Anyone else the eldest daughter?

[Chenecinquantecinq]

I think it’s generally known that eldest daughters tend to shoulder most of the responsibility. However it’s only since becoming a mother of teens myself I realise how dysfunctional my relationship with my mother was/is. She’s always put everything on to me since a young child. I tried to speak with her about how she used to wake me aged 5/6yrs to sit by the window with her to watch for my (drunken) father to come home. She denies it. There are many such examples of treating me as a “friend” rather than a child. Now as she’s in her 80’s and needs assistance which falls onto me she seems to genuinely hate me. I perhaps stupidly try to raise issues from my childhood to get some sort of acknowledgment but it’s all denied and I’m apparently a drama queen. My other sibling doesn’t really do much apart from side with my mother, he’s much younger. Just wondering how common this dynamic is? I find myself wondering and believing I’ll feel better when she’s gone.

Yes, I do recognise what you're saying. My mum was mentally ill and was trying to use me as a therapist when I was 6 years old. Crying over her crushes on other men and her marriage etc. I remember trying to mediate between my parents at that age. I was her scapegoat who she bullied alongside my dad. She doted on my sister and has been bitching about me for decades and saying how wonderful my sister is.
I refuse to buy into it and keep her at a distance. I see her when i want to only. I don't care how much she bitches or what her minions think of me. Life's too short.

Yep. From a young age I was always given the errands to run/jobs to do/had to babysit younger siblings.
Then when they started having marriage problems I was told all sorts that I didn’t need to know, used as a shoulder to cry on when I was about 14. It was totally inappropriate.
She died a few years ago but now I’m the one who takes most of the responsibility for dad, he’s not in the best of health.
I’ve noticed he seems to tell the others he’s fine when they occasionally visit, but saves up all his problems and moaning for me 🙄

Yes exactly this. I’m the oldest, the reliable one who’s always been the shoulder to cry on, the emotional support. I live 2 hours away but am guilt tripped about not doing more while my sibling who is 20 mins away does literally nothing. I’m really tired of it.

I'm an only child and have a version of this. All the details about the divorce and how terrible my Dad was, boyfriend problems. A lot of things in my childhood that weren't the best. I don't bring it up, we're a sweep it all under the carpet family. She did apologise for some of it years ago, and is thankful for help I give now.
If I was in your position, I'd take a step way back.

I'm not the eldest daughter, however person who is the eldest daughter in our family definitely does not take most responsibility, and never has.
Right, that's that off my chest, sorry, it is horrible when someone expects you to bear the heaviest burden. You can step back though, you can say no, you can ask for support such as carers or home helps to be arranged. You can tell other sibling(s) that they need to step up.

@KeineBedeutung is there a reason the eldest daughter does not take - and I quote you “most responsibility?” Why would you expect her to? Is her time less valuable? I’m interested genuinely- has she actually said she expects you to bear the heaviest burden?

I have to say I don’t agree that you can always get carers in. If the elderly refuse them what do you then do?

I also disagree with ‘telling’ other siblings they should ‘step up’. What a person does is very much up to them as an autonomous individual.

Having elderly parents is a tricky thing to navigate when they are pleasant. When they are difficult it is a huge problem.

I was replying to the original comment, and my wording reflected that.
Responsibility should be shared and/or outsourced e.g. with carers or home help services. If an elderly/disabled person refuses a carer/home help, then the adult child can still say no to performing that role.

And yes OP there does seem to be some unwritten rule suggesting that the eldest is the one who should take responsibility. It is also the case that it seems to be the eldest female. In our dynamic both my sister and I were exposed to a very toxic mother who idolised the baby brother we had. He was far more problematic growing up than the two of us put together but he could do no wrong. He is now exposed to how difficult our mother is and is ‘shocked’. But it is ok because he just blames us for her behaviour even though we have had a lifetime of her silliness.

I will watch this post with interest as I know there will be some really good advice.

@KeineBedeutung ok fair enough.

How I interpreted your post was that you replied to the OPs comment with your very specific experience - hence the ‘right that’s off my chest’ comment. I read that you feel the burden has been put upon you by for example your eldest sibling. Have I read that rightly?

Absolutely to sharing out responsibility BUT measuring that is nye on impossible. I also stand by never telling anyone to ‘step up’…you often have no idea about their other responsibilities or things going on in their lives. Elderly people have got to take some responsibility to be accountable for their lives. Crisis times - absolutely all hands on deck but often we are years into having to care for them - on their terms.

As for the OPs comment- yes it does seem to be expected that the eldest often female child should bear more responsibility-especially if they are retired.

I’m the eldest daughter but have been simultaneously pushed out of the family and blamed for not taking enough responsibility by my younger sibling who can do no wrong in my mother’s eyes. After almost 2 years of stress, upset and being moaned at constantly I’ve decided to give my sibling what they want and taken a massive step back and leave them all to it.

Being a mum of a teenager also opened my eyes to how little of a relationship I had with my mother when I was a teen, and how little support or parenting I got. I haven’t brought any of it up as in her head she was an amazing mother and I’d get nowhere. I’m just happy I can have a better relationship with my daughter.

@tinaabbot I could have written that post except I am not the eldest. Horrible isn’t it. But like you I have taken a huge step back.

The irony with our brother is he seems to be ‘full on with work’ constantly but has the time to bad mouth us to anyone who will listen whilst not actually being aware of all the quiet background stuff we have done for our parents over the years. He directs his anger at us when actually he needs to look at who he is actually angry with. For example a ranty call about the state of our parents storage shed and garage being ram packed with crap. Why is that my fault?

“I think it’s generally known that eldest daughters tend to shoulder most of the responsibility“

100% disagree.

I appreciate and sympathise with you about your relationship with your mother and your difficult upbringing. But it’s not helpful to make sweeping generalisations like this.

FWIW, traditionally the role of the youngest daughter was to not marry but stay at home as companion to her ageing parents. But that doesn’t happen either.

Yes I am the eldest, although my sister has a different dad so there is a big age gap, she was definitely the baby and indulged and I had to pick up the slack whilst she swanned about, but since her dad has been diagnosed with a life limiting illness, she's been great I can't fault her for her support.

I have adult Dds and I have tried to bring them up equal, and we seem to have an equal relationship.

The relationship with your mum wasn't usual and I don't think it has anything to do with being the eldest Dd, your mum sounds like she was lonely not that it makes it right, but maybe she didn't know any better?

No, I disagree. In my family it is my younger sister who is the responsible one, who does the caring. I was always seen as too delicate and nervy and needing to be looked after.

In simple terms:
In my experience it's not always the eldest daughter who ends up helping the most, or even does their share, because that definitely did/does not happen with my family. I added the 'off my chest' comment just to be a bit lighthearted and in realisation that my situation may not be as common as OPs. If someone isn't coping with caring for or helping a relative, then they absolutely have to involve other folk, be that professional services or requesting other family members make some effort.

@KeineBedeutung understand and hopefully getting it off your chest on here is helpful. I know it has been a lifeline for me over many years.

Unfortunately as many other threads show people are very willing to help elderly relatives but often the elderly relative does not like the help offered. That is certainly my experience. No to every single sensible suggestion. Refusal to accept a care assessment. Refusal to try and do anything to help everyone involved. It is a very common theme on the Elderly Parents section of MN. So where it may appears someone is not ‘sharing the load’ or ‘stepping up’ it might be worth checking in with that person before we judge them. This is a great board to share our experiences on and I hope we all continue to do so with care.

I'm not judging anyone tbh, other than behaviour I have actually witnessed (tbh this person has been self-absorbed most of their life). I know that folk needing help can say no to having it, however others can also say no to being the unpaid carer. Family relationships can be very complicated too, there are sometimes good reason why an adult child finds it difficult to care for a parent.

Yes, somehow the responsibility is all mine. And I’m also meant to be pleased
at being provided with a sibling. He was annoying during childhood and we never got on, and I see him maybe once a year now we’re adults. Can’t remember the last time I had a conversation with him.

After having my own children and seeing friends experiences with more than one child, I realised how much time is spent refereeing and encouraging a relationship. My parents never did that, they just assumed having a sibling was a wonderful thing and they didn’t need to do anything to nurture the relationship.

God op its difficult. Im the eldest. We help yes but reality most homes need both incomes now so Im not free mid week. Its alot pressure being eldest but I certainly have boundaries now or she would rule the roost.. 80s. Ive two more siblings

You describe many aspects of my situation to a tee, OP. I have vivid recollections of my mum moaning about my dad when I was primary aged. Saying how much she wanted to divorce him but couldn’t because of us kids. Our life was exceedingly quiet at home - apart from school I did very little, no clubs etc because she liked a quiet life. Now she has Alzheimer’s and suddenly wants to go here there and everywhere with me. Highly dependent on me but asks nothing of my brother. I try to keep at arms length to save my sanity but the reality is I have to support because there’s no one else. She has no friends because she finds fault with everyone. It’s very stressful and an enormous weight on my shoulders.

I'm the older of two. I was expected to be independent but in my childhood it wasn't a parentifying pattern. But she has always babied my DB and he moved back home whereas I never did.
She's let him get away with more and goes on about how I'm better off financially (so DB can always stay with her but we "can afford a hotel").

So oddly enough we don't see her that much.

I had a mum like this too growing up and to be honest I left home at 17 to university and didn't go back and have stood way back over the years, going NC although my brother helps her a bit. I think they call it parentification.

Mine's a bit more complicated.

Im not the oldest, or 3ven second oldest. My mum seemed to focus more on my oldest sister who had mental health problems and complained bitterly about DM doing things like turning up to stay close to DSis and sticking her nose in. Thir was done under the guise of supporting Dsis.

At first I thought she was exaggerating but it became more and more apparently as Dsis got sick that DM had some wildly unrealistic expectations and was sometimes actively winding DS up. She'd also phone other family members, including me, hitching if she felt DSis hadn't been kind enough to her - pointing out that Dsis was an alcoholic with terrible mental health problems wasn't what she wanted to hear.

DSis died. I did my best to go down and support my parents even although travel was difficult at the time, I was working and had young kids myself.

My "reward" for this was for my DM to start complaining about me behind my back, expecting a massive amount including me proving care for my DF and to message me early in the morning and late at night... and I started getting physically and mentally ill myself. When I explained I was ill DM didn't want to hear about it, so I tried to pull back a bit and DM stepped up her behaviour and at one point turned up at my house unannounced, mercifully we were all out.

I've sorted myself out now in a lot of ways. I think the eldest is often a convenient target in terms of being dumped on, but if they're not there then someone else gets targeted.

The Stately Homes thread might be worth a read OP. And dont feel you have to put up with it.