My father has depression and is also a hoarder.

[Gardeninggreeneyes]

Hi fellow mumsnetters, after some advice, past experiences and words of support really I guess.

My father who is in his 60s has never been very good at taking care of himself, after divorcing from my mother around 20 years ago, he has struggled with many aspects of life. He has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and struggles to leave his house unless he is going to work. His back garden is a fence to fence overgrown jungle which is completely impassable, the front garden is terribly overgrown getting maybe a strim with the strimmer once a year. He was claiming benefits whilst I was a child and into my teens as he was my main care giver so has never had the money to invest into the property he bought when splitting with my mother. Ivy is invading up the back into bedroom windows, all the window frames are old and wooden and starting to rot out, the boiler hasn't worked in 10 years, has a non functioning bathroom other than a toilet and the kitchen is about 40 years old and falling apart, not to mention the lack of hygiene (no washing machine so clothes have to be hand-wash and he can't wash/shower so has sponge baths).
He is also a hoarder and has books in every room, on the stairs, his bedroom is unopenable and sleeps on the sofa instead. His car broke down around 10 years ago so I gave him my car which I learnt to drive in which he ran into the ground, I sourced him a second hand vehicle around 7 years ago which he doesn't get washed and I have to remind him when to get it MOT'd and advice him on where to take it for general maintenance etc, that's falling apart because he does only the bare minimum to get it through each MOT a year not to mention the algae that grows on it (it looked so bad I washed it last summer when he was visiting and it's hasn't been washed since). He is a creative soul and spends his free time reading, drawing and painting when he isn't sleeping from his depression. He is neglecting all areas of his life and it's starting to break down our relationship. He says that creative people (names a couple of specific artists) are like this and it's just his way of life. He can't seem to fathom why I am distancing myself from him.
It's genuinely exhausting these days to even think about him because I do love him so much, after all he was my primary care giver during a very turbulent divorce and seeing his world crumbling around him. His parents have passed on, estranged from his sister who lives in London (we live a couple of hours from her) and I am his only child, I own my own property now around 20 minutes from him, have a DH (been together since i was 16 and still very much in love 10 years on), DS4 and DD7. I work twilights 3 days a week and DH work 12 hour days mon-fri so I am responsible for all drop offs, pick ups and clubs etc. Being his only blood relative everything falls on me, he has no friends outside of work which he has no interest in meeting up with, can't afford to get his house fixed, makes every excuse under the sun as to why he can't get rid of his books and wonders why speaking to and seeing him stresses me out, I try to block him out unless it's the school holidays so DD and DS don't miss out on seeing their grandad. He is a star when he visits and I enjoy spending time with him as do DD and DS but he takes up so much mental headspace knowing his world is crumbling around him and he seems to not care about doing anything about it, it's all talk no walk.
Sorry for the word vomit and top marks if you made it through, I just don't know what to do, I don't want to block him out of my life and leave him alone but just thinking about him and his way of life makes me feel depressed and helpless and it's heartbreaking. I want to help him (spent 2 hours clearing his path to the front door today because it was so overgrown, he had to use his neighbours path) but I don't know where to start, I don't have the time nor the money to fix his house (privately owned), nor does he and its only going to get worse. What do I do!!!!?

This is a really tricky area, I have so much sympathy for you and you sound like a very caring daughter. However, his hoarding is part of his mental illness and in fact, can be diagnosed as a mental illness in its own right, so unless he WANTS to improve, there's very little you can do. There are specialist decluttering services which aim to work (very slowly and gradually) with people who are motivated to change. They're also usually expensive. In my area, if it's a council property, they will offer a one off deep clean but that won't stop people building up clutter again.

As harsh as it sounds I think you will need to let it go, if you've exhausted all avenues with him: being blunt and direct, offering practical support, asking him why he does it, pointing out the danger to him and others (fire/pest hazard etc)
Maybe just see him only away from the house and don't go there any more.

Thank you @ConstantIllness those are some kind words, I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply.
Unfortunately I am acutely aware of the dire situation 😓 being a privately owned property he is eligible to next to no help and this has been the case over the past 20 years. We scraped by during my late childhood years, and early teens. He did his best with me and he has lost purpose since I left home I think.
When I was pregnant wit DD (teenage pregnancy) he was adamant he would sort the the house out so his granddaughter could visit.. it's only gotten gradually worse and worse and of course DD and DS now want to go to play at grandads and he keeps lying saying the house is having some building work.
Last summer I visited to clear my room out of my last remaining stuff. I wasn't however aware that he had unwanted pets pests (dead mouse found in my old duvet cover). Safe to say I had to bin most of my old stuff. Not even that gave him the oomph to sort out the house.
Really at my wits end with it all if I'm honest but don't have the heart to fully break contact. Although yesterday after not speaking for 2 weeks I got a phone call saying how it's unfair I rarely call him.🙄

It sounds like he's at least aware that it's not in a fit state for your kids to visit. What does he say when you point things out, like the dead mouse or the rotten windows? Did you say why you haven't been in contact when he called?

As truly difficult as it is, I think you have 2 choices -1. to stop seeing him, which I understand you don't want to do, because you love him, and he's not a bad person. Or 2. Work on both accepting the situation as it is (it's clearly causing you awful distress and lowering your mood) and/or accepting him as he is, in the best way you can, maybe by limiting contact with him at the house itself. Get support for YOURSELF in this situation, so you can feel better about not being able to change him. He really has to want to change, and it may take things getting even worse first or he may never get the motivation to sort it out. You banging your head against the brick wall is only going to hurt you.

Depression mixed with hoarding and possibility other co-morbidities is a combination that’s going to be almost impossible to break.

We had a family member in a similar situation to your DF. They had a lot of childhood trauma and abandonment which they refuse to get therapy for. I never take my DC to their house - we meet in a convenient place, or they come to me. There is floor to ceiling mess everywhere in their house and narrow passageways through the clutter. Even a small house fire and warning from the fire brigade, hospitalisation and council clear up of the garden was a short term fix. The house soon reverted back to a tip. Sadly I fully expect them to die in their hoard as nothing we say or do gets through to them and we've noticed an increase in paranoia as they age. And I'll be the one left to organise clearing the hoard after they've gone 😪

I’d contact Adult lSocial Services and ask them to assess him. My Dad is 20 years older and has suffered from lifelong mental health issues. After my lovely step-Mum died, he fell into a depression and Adult Social Services were v. helpful. He was assigned a Community Enabler who provided support to people who were struggling with life. She helped him with admin and as he needed to move into a retirement flat (he couldn’t cope with the house), she helped us find an organizer who helped us sort and pack. I paid for the organizer and it was worth every penny.

I wonder whether it’s time for your Dad to move as well? Even if not, I’d still recommend contacting them and find out what they can do to help.

I agree with PP who said see him outside of his home. I did this with DM who has fairly mild hoarding compared to what you describe, but also depressed, OCD. I do have to visit more at the moment and I just deal with what I need to and go.
It's hard, you want them to live a better life, but you can't make that happen.
I recommend reading Mel Robbins' Let Them

I agree, meet him at yours or elsewhere.

I would try to initiate some external help just so you know you've done it, but I would have very low expectations that it would achieve anything. In our area there is a charity called Help for Hoarders so you could see if there is anything local to him. There is of course a cost involved. And the chances of him engaging with any of it is quite low. But they might be able to advise you. Also Social Services as per pp.

I think you can be blunt. You want to meet him elsewhere because the way he is living upsets you because you love him and he won't let you help. You want to meet up but not at the house because it's neither safe nor acceptable for your children to see him like that.

There's no fixing that house with his situation and your life already being full.

He needs to sell it and go into some sort of assisted living facility where he has a little apartment style place but they have a dining hall and deal with maintenance etc. One of FIL's friends did it and got a completely new lease of life. Either he accepts this, or you meet up with him outside the house and distance yourself a bit - for your own sanity.

@Gardeninggreeneyes solidarity and a virtual hug. I know your pain and appreciate how time poor you are.

We worked around my father’s hoarding so he could be Grandad for years (despite a difficult relationship with me, my DC were the only GC for several years) but things got even worse when he retired 10 years ago and snowballed with the pandemic. Due to self-neglect his health deteriorated and his house had to be cleared and sold when he needed 24 hour care. I’m sure he wanted to die quietly his hoard and it’s hard to say but that would have made several things easier.

I agree with @PermanentTemporary to initiate external help so you know you’ve tried everything - but keep your expectations low - because ultimately you’re probably going to have to sort it at some point.

Would the tough love of ‘you’re leaving this mess for me to sort out’ get you anywhere?

@ConstantIllness Whenever I point things like the mouse out that's when he's all talk no walk, or he would deal with the immediate mouse issue but not the cause of the problem (it probably got in via the Ivy that has forced itself through a window), there is a lot of crisis management, little prevention.
Everything gets blamed on 'lack of finances' or the 'lack of mental energy and weariness from the depression' which is probably true.
He has tried every antidepressant under the sun over the last 15 years or so and none have helped really..
Really that's what I'm doing, trying to keep distance for the sake of my mental well being. He is a cleaner (ironically) at a school so can't visit us after school so limited to weekends, we rarely have free time at the weekend so we only tend to see him once a week during school holidays.
It's very difficult to accept why someone would to choose to live like this, this is a discussion we have had and he makes me out as the bad person in the conversation for just not accepting his choice of lifestyle.

@spicemaiden This is what I'm finding. It's heartbreaking to watch their environment close in on them. It wouldn't be as bad if he had life outside of his home but he doesn't.

@Courgettezuchinni This is what I'm terrified of. He will be 65 soon and I'm genuinely terrified of him falling down the stairs or anything worse god forbid, to the extent of I have had actual nightmares.😭😭

@BruFord thank you. I have contemplated raising this with him but he wouldn't want to move, well I lie, I think he would be more than happy to move but the upheaval of doing so would put him in an early grave and the getting rid of stuff would fully send him over the edge.

Does he come to see you? I would personally still be happy to see him but he has to come to you/ meet elsewhere- you can't put the kids at risk.

I would also be very clear with him that at the point in the future that the house passes to you, you will be handing it over to a clearance firm and selling without entering if possible.

Hoarding is classed as self neglect and as he is so bad I would refer him to Adults Social Services as a concern. The issue is if he has capacity and is choosing to live like this then there may be little they can do if he turns down support. It much be awful to watch it I really feel for you.

I got the name wrong, it’s actually Adult Social Care. They do support people to continue living in their current homes as well so it might be worth contacting them just to find out what they could do.

Go to the county council website and it should be there under “Council Services.”

My Dad also has hoarding tendencies and can have poor hygiene when he’s feeling down. It’s so difficult to deal with them and any support you can get may be helpful. 💐

It might help to think of the hoarding as being a mental illness as much as the depression. Its not really something he chooses, even if he says it is. It makes it very slightly less infuriating.