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Elderly parents

Advice on my Mum’s house move

7 replies

jandalsinsummer · 09/06/2025 01:25

Sorry this will be long.

my mother has decided she is moving, this seems to be sudden the reasons she has given are 1) there might be a war with Russia 2) house prices are going to crash 3) she is going to give her kids money now because we need it.

She is a spend thrift who is incontinent with money, it’s like she is allergic to it, she will buy a coffee for 2 and tip 20 quid, someone comes to mow the lawn she pays for the mowing and tips 50 quid. She has debts we have paid off for her, but has more, all the money my Father left her (and her parents and so on) has just disappeared with just a new sofa and redecorated house to show for it.

As far as I can tell she likes her home and is managing, she says she is. She has enough room to have people stay, (ie her kids we have all stayed within the last year so we do see her,) has spent a lot of money making it nice for her (redecorated, new kitchen, garden turned into just lawn) she has a cleaner, gardener etc. She lives near all her old friends albeit that they are starting to pass on, get dementia etc.

she has decided to move a) further out of town to a new area (she doesn’t drive) b) into a small flat with a warden from 9-5 M-F c) to a much smaller home obv.

I don’t think she wants to move.

i offered to buy her house she instantly replied oh can I stay here until I die then? Wonder if I can afford the rent. (Hence my thinking she doesn’t want to move)

i can’t afford it mostly because of stamp duty!

I have offered to buy small amounts a year eg 5%, this drip feeds her the money she needs and allows her to stay there but she has replied she won’t sell it to me because house prices are going to crash. Partly based on the fact that we are going to war soon.

I forgot to mention she hates people! She moved away from this area before, hated it and nagged and moaned until she could move back 10 years later. It is beyond my belief that she will stay in the flat, she will spend 60k moving then nag and moan about moving back but that would be out of the question. Stamp duty and fees and so on will cost her 10% of the proceeds. She does seem to have some deluded ideas about the price she will get, the fact that the purchasers will wait for her to clear the house and so on.

I am stuck, whilst I want for her what she wants I can only see this move as being a personal and financial disaster. Compounding all of this is the fact that I live overseas, work full time and have a child about to undergo surgery with a long rehab process which I am already having to delay so I can go and see her later this month.

If anyone has any wise words I would really appreciate them!

Thank you if you have got this far!

OP posts:
viking11 · 09/06/2025 06:42

I think 8 would be more concerned about her mental health,, or possible onset dementia. Has she seen a G.P? As for moving more context around age etc.
My 81 year old dad is in a warden supported flat and had a whole new lease of life!
If the house is the concern, unless she lacks capacity you can do nothing I'm afraid. Would she go to a solicitor or financial advisor with you to discuss options?

viking11 · 09/06/2025 06:43

I not 8!

onceuponatimeinneverland · 09/06/2025 06:47

I would just let her get on with it and concentrate on your family . Any sale / purchase will likely take months.

When our elderly neighbour moved she did absolutely no packing until 3 days before completion. The street had to rally round and pack/ empty loft /sheds for her. In the rain. It was grim.

On the other hand there is a lot to be said for her downsizing before she actually needs to. She might be finding the up keep of the house challenging.

Don't keep subbing her.

If she is in England and aims to give her DC some of the proceeds and she has to go in to a care home funded by the council she /you might have a problem with deprivation of assets.

PermanentTemporary · 09/06/2025 07:00

Oh God what a disaster waiting to happen.

I don't think you can do much, except 1. Enthuse about cheerful podcasts to try and stop her listening to the news or whatever is freaking her out 2. Be a broken record reminding her of how much she hated it when she moved away. Be the bossy daughter 'oh God not this again Mum. How ridiculous'. Goes against the grain but it can help a bit I think.

thedevilinablackdress · 09/06/2025 07:49

Take a step back. I understand the urge to fix everything for her, but she is an adult and you have enough going on in your own life. You are delaying your child's surgery for this? She may decide to move, she may not but you don't need to deal with it all.
And as for giving her money, obviously you don't want to see her destitute, but if she genuinely has no money, she needs to make sure she is getting all the benefits (e.g. pension credits) she's entitled to.

jandalsinsummer · 09/06/2025 12:25

Thanks everyone I do appreciate all your comments, it’s nice just to know there are others out there who get it. @thedevilinablackdress its complicated I’m overseas I’m not just popping in for the weekend, I’m just pushing something back by a week or so it makes no difference to my kid. Last time I was back I helped her get a bit more pension etc, she probably should have been getting it for years. She’s using that to pay the cleaner and gardener I assume. At least she says she is.

@viking11 I did wonder today whether she is (whatever the correct term is) getting a bit senile! All this talk about going to war and avoiding a major house crash. She has been talking about prices going down for a couple of years but there’s been no falls in her area over that time. I keep telling her it doesn’t matter she has a roof over her head where she wants to be so it’s not a problem if they do. However she is never out of the GP’s surgery! I do hear you about the warden support thing but then come back to the fact that she hates other people. Perfectly nice with her friends but thinks everyone is looking at her, someone walks past the house they are looking in her windows, she will drive away rather than get out of the car in her drive when someone is near by. Like this for years it’s not new.

OP posts:
EmotionalBlackmail · 09/06/2025 16:02

Does she read certain newspapers or watch certain news channels or news websites? Mine has lost the ability to think critically about what she’s reading or watching, plus the people she sees regularly are reading and believing the same stuff. So they just loop around in conversations about how bad things are but without any insights or understanding?

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