Duty to a step-parent?

[GremlinDolphin4]

i just wondered if anyone had any advice - we have lovely elderly (90s) neighbours. They are a second marriage and it has become apparent that the family have take their parent to another part of the country and left their step-parent behind! They are very frail with a basic support network but desperately want their spouse home and it seems the spouse wants to come home. I don’t know where to start to help them?! Any thoughts?

A spouse is legally next of kin. I think they could report their spouse missing, to the police, explain the situation and ask that the police do a welfare check,

The police could at least check that they have gone of their free well.

I do not see you can you only have one side of the story.

Maybe get the step relatives contact and ask them?

@Meadowfinch Good point

As you say, we’re only getting one side of the story and I don’t want meddle but they are still married and a frail elderly person has been left alone away from their spouse of 30 years and is really unhappy and scared about it.

Was the spouse who has left frailer or a carer?
Are you saying they're being held against their will? How do you know they want to come home?

I can only go on what the left behind one says but I just want to work out whether she needs legal advice or should call the police or if I should try and get them to think about moving to be with their spouse. In the meantime I am aware that a miserable, frail person is on their own in the house next to me!

@GremlinDolphin4 not enough information

The family have taken their parent away for how long? You think it's permanent?

Yes permanent to a care home

Does your NDN have any relatives of their own?

Apparently not, no children of their own and all others passed away or incapacitated.

So do you think they should be removed from the care home? To care for the neighbour or be cared for. Do you think she is being held against her will? Call the police if so for a welfare check

If he is old and frail then unlikely he could care for her. I get that it’s hard but I doubt moving back would be a good idea. Sounds like her children were concerned and put her in a care home near them. To be honest if that was my parent I’d do the same.

It’s not uncommon sadly for elderly couples to be separated when one goes into a home. The remaining spouse may well be lonely and missing her husband, but clearly isn’t well enough to be cared for at home, even with help. He is in the best place for his needs. And her wants don’t trump his needs.

If you think she is not capable of looking after herself independently, you should call adult social services so they can arrange an assessment. Otherwise all you can do is be a good neighbour and check in on her, see if she is eating, maybe see if there are any day clubs she could join, and maybe see if her husbands family think a visit is possible - they may judge that to be too distressing for him though.

I'm fairly certain no nursing home could force someone able to look after themselves into staying. Equally, their spouse isn't the concern of the kids if they're not their parent.

Also, you're the next door neighbour. I'm not sure it's actually any of your business.

The family are probably doing what they think is best.

Like you I’d be very concerned about this situation although I think there’s probably more to it than you’re being told.

As I understand the law, if a person has the capacity to make decisions about their life, then no other person, related or not, can impose decisions on them. Therefore, if your neighbour’s spouse’s family have taken their family member to live in a care home against the spouse’s will, they have broken the law.

In addition, the spouse’s next of kin is your neighbour and your neighbour has the right to be kept informed about what’s happening.

This could therefore be a serious breach of the rights of your neighbour and their spouse and need the intervention of someone like yourself to put things right. Alternatively, there could be other factors involved, of which you’re currently unaware - as I’m sure you know - which might explain the family taking the spouse away.

In these circumstances, I’d be inclined to get your neighbour’s permission to contact social services. Your neighbour is now living alone without their spouse and seems to be a vulnerable person. Social services might be able to offer help for them and keep them safe. At the same time, social services could enquire into the removal of the spouse and investigate this. In their official capacity, they could obtain names and addresses and make official contacts. If social services are unwilling to do this then you might ask the police to carry out a welfare check on the spouse.

I’ve been in a similar situation and also found it difficult to navigate so I understand your concern. I hope you can find a good resolution for your neighbour.

I disagree.. op is a concerned neighbour not an interfering one. Wouldn’t it be great if there were more people around like op who cared about their elderly neighbours.

Thanks all for your thoughts, they really help!

If the spouse is old and frail enough to need a care home, I'm not sure them coming back is a good idea. If your neighbour is frail, they probably would not have been in a condition to look after their partner to the extent needed.

And the family have the right and responsibility to look at their parent/grand-parent's best interests, but they're not responsible for the spouse. They don't have the right, nor probably the means, to pay for a care home for them.

In short while it's human and reasonable to feel for your neighbour's situation, it's probably a more complex situation than just "my spouse was kidnapped by their evil family who wants to keep us apart".

The most likely explanation here is that the family have LPA. If the spouse no longer has capacity, then the family would have been able to decide on their behalf that they needed to go into residential care. Of course your neighbour should have been involved in this decision but ultimately it would be down to his step children.
I agree with what other posters have said re getting social services involved to see if they can provide any support to your neighbour regarding their own needs.

I agree that there may be a lot of background to this. I wouldn't rush to take too much action.

I'm aware that it might have looked to others as if we abandoned my dad's girlfriend, who was a frail 89 by the time he went into hospital where he subsequently died. She had several children of her own though and he had financially exploited her vulnerability. I think the children were glad to see the back of all of us.

The simplest thing you could do is try to commit to dropping in to see her every now and then. And just try to work out a bit more. If all seems as it first appears, it might make sense for her to go into the same care home, if you know where it is?