Sister difficult over Mum / slight dementia

[Flyhigher]

My sister flies off the handle all the time.
I need to handle my sister better.
has anyone looked after elderly mum with sisters?
she likes to control and micromanage everything.
im the older sister and I get angry being micromanaged.

but … I need to handle it better.

shes very intense. Gives huge lists and then nothing I so is right.

anyone else had this and how do you cope?

It must be really difficult. Sadly the only friend I know that tried this ended up massively falling out with her sisters when they basically left her to do everything. We are not at this point with my mum yet but one of my sisters is a micromanager and the only way I can work with her on anything is to agree separate roles and stick to them. I love her but she is very hard work and very opinionated. One thing that helped me in the past was counselling to unload to someone completely neutral how I felt about her. I only needed 3 sessions but it was so helpful.

This is my SIL DH has taken a massive step back from her. It is exhausting dealing with their inability to regulate their anxiety and their need to take out their anxiety on those around them who are obviously trying to do their best too.

Could you try and split tasks with her if needed, such as you arrange a food shop for mum but she does something else for example?

I would just be firm and say that if she doesnt agree with the way you do things she can do them herself and you will make social visits only to your mum. This is why my brother is primary contact for anything to do with my mum.

No advice but I can see this in my future. My sister is very upright and has diagnosed anxiety disorder. She can be very controlling when trying to manage things so she feels okay. I am far more laid back, and often end up feeling I am at fault for being too relaxed about things - but I genuinely can’t see why she’s getting so uptight. She’s already planning how to move my parents in with her - they are in their 70s, great health and doing just fine. She nags them about declutterring, moving, getting a cleaner / gardener etc and expects me to do the same. Whereas I think they are still functioning adults and should be left to get on with it 🤷‍♀️.

id agree with the pp which suggest agreeing separate roles / responsibilities and keeping out each others domains.

my Sister is exactly like this with the decluttering. It’s not dirty, just a lot of stuff and mum is quite clear she does not want to declutter (probably even less so if DSis keeps going on about it) and has no plans to move any time soon. My view is it’s her house so up to her….

What is she telling you to do, can mum still make her own decisions, is there poa in place.

Does your sister share in the care of your mother OP?

Sympathies OP. My situation is that I am caring for 90yo DF. Sis lives in Europe so is not on hand, but she is very quick with the accusations.

DF had a fall 18 months ago. Until then he managed on his own pretty well. I dropped everything, took some unpaid leave and went to stay with him 230 miles away until he was stable and then brought him back to stay with me and DH so I could get back to work. This is now the new "normal". I shop for him, do his laundry, life admin, cook dinner and take him out. He does his own breakfast and lunch most days. I have kept her in the loop about everything but she has thrown so many accusations in my direction that I cannot take any more.

In the last 18 months, she has spent less than 4 weeks looking after him. She has apparently put a flag on his POA so that my adult DDs cannot be added as deputies, despite us receiving professional advice to say it was a good idea. I have repeatedly told her that she can see him whenever she likes but at his place, not mine. She tells anyone that his flat is full of mould, so much so that she cannot possibly stay there with him. There was some condensation, which has now gone and I have cleaned everything up. She and her moronic husband are angling to spend time at my home, which will not happen. DF's brother and family get it and have been amazing. Nice aunt says that my DF looks really well and I'm doing a great job. DF's sister thinks the sun shines out of my sister's arse and that she can do no wrong and that I am the villain. I am the older sibling and she has always resented this.

My way of dealing with her is to communicate by WhatsApp. When she goes off on one, I mute it. However, I can save her tirades as evidence of her lunacy. When she starts, I type up what I want to say on my laptop, then leave it for a while. I find responding in the moment is futile and gives her what she wants, so I now stick to cold hard facts only. If I take Dad out somewhere or we do something nice, I send her a photo with a one-line caption e.g. "had a BBQ" with smiling DF holding a glass of wine. It shows her he's still alive and enjoying himself and she cannot then accuse me of keeping her out of the loop. I also ask her opinion on mundane things like: "we need to sell Dad's car, any suggestions?" They are normally so off-the-wall that I do what DF and I have already decided, but it looks like she has been included, so her accusations can be disproven.

Sorry this is so long, but I do share your pain. If annoying sis is giving lists, she has to accept that you will do things in the way you consider to be in DM's best interests. If she sees it differently, she needs to do the task. End of. She cannot have it both ways. I have also said to mine that she might not like the way I have done something, but at every stage the decision I have taken has been in DF's best interests. If she has an issue, she can contact SS. Good luck!

Omg. I do the what’s app too. This is not good.