supporting aging parents

[curlyrebel]

So my DF is in his 80s and lives with my DM in her late 70s now. I live around 3 miles away (15/20min drive) with DH and young children. Both of us work full time but DH due to his shifts is sometimes available during the week.

Yesterday DF had a fall in the garden and couldn’t get up. It took a long time before my DM realised he wasn’t in the house let alone on the ground. When she tried to get him up she herself fell and has hurt her hand. A neighbour had to come and help get him up. She ended up taking him to A&E herself and he’s broken bones in his dominant. He’s in a cast and she has her fingers wrapped up.

Previous to this, he was reliant on my DM for certain things (including changing his colostomy bag) but now he’s unable to feed himself or do most basics. The strain on my DM is significant and she’s not one to complain. If anything she pushes herself too much. She has osteo-arthritis in her knees and has been putting off having any treatment but can tell it’s bothering her.

As an aside I’m concerned about money they spend on trivial stuff like upholstering furniture when they could be putting it towards making their space more age friendly or getting a carer in to help them.

I have one DB abroad and plan to speak to him at the weekend to come up with some practical steps on what we can suggest or do to help. One idea is to push for them to convert a downstairs room into an en-suite bedroom. Is there anything else we could suggest or try? I feel like their situation is going to get worse unless we intervene.

also should have mentioned DF has cancer which he decided not to treat so that’s slowly spreading. DM takes him to appointments etc

No answers but sending solidarity. I think that it also depends on what care or help they will accept. FIL is currently living with us after a broken shoulder which opened an utter can of worms about health issues. He's going home soon after three months here (nearly three hours drive away) and utterly refusing to put anything in place. BIL2 lives with him but won't cope with anything medical. We have had weeks of discussion and he is intransigent. We are resigned to the fact that there will soon be another fall type crisis. Next time we are not nursing him in our house though, far too stressful.
For FIL we'd like him to have a carer each morning to support with dressing and catheter bag changing, a podiatrist every few weeks and a weekly session of physio. He can comfortably afford all of this but flatly refuses. He is mentally very sharp and very determined so there is nothing we can do but watch the decline.
The whole thing is very hard but there are some lovely and more experienced posters on here who may be more help.

Thank you @Mumbles12. Your situation sounds similarly stressful. I think there’s a certain pride (and stubbornness!) with this age group that you can’t do much with. It’s annoying when you know they can afford a carer but just don’t see it as a necessity. This will definitely be something I’ll advocate for, especially right now.

Sorry to be blunt about this. Is your DFs cancer diagnosis stage 4/ terminal? If so, your mum will be able to claim atendence allowance. The full amount (day and night) is about £460 a month which it sounds like she'd get. The form is horrible to fill in. CAB can basically do this with her over the phone and submit on her her behalf. This isn't a means tested benefit, which can be important/a pride thing for older people. They'd also be able to access home modifications from social services such as grab rails etc. If your mum is finding taking your dad to his appointments to be too much, there are, free hospital transport options (either the NHS ambulance mini bus or potentially volunteer/charity drivers specifically for cancer patients but that will vary by your area)

If they won't accept a career right now because of pride, would they accept a PA (do shopping/life admin/take to appointments/check in on them etc as needed) or a gardener or cleaner to reduce the load on your DM. A nice meal delivery service for a few ready made meals a week.
What is their plan for when your DF becomes very unwell? They might find it easier to have these systems in place now, so they know and feel comfortable with the people helping in their home. Make a proactive choices now, rather than have things forced through necessity later. They stay in control. Just thinking of ways to pitch it to them.

If a downstairs bedroom/ensuite gets rejected what about a stair lift?

Have you considered a respite break for them in a care home or a local hospice? Or had their needs assessed by social services? There is help out there, but you might have to ferret around online to find it. Also, it would be good for your DM to have at least one half day to herself every week to do something just for her. A hair dressing appointment, a book club, bingo; whatever she enjoys doing. If DF needs assistance with his colostomy bag all the time, a change of technique or equipment may be all this needed. A conversation with their GP for a referral to a community stoma nurse may be helpful. You have my sympathy in these difficult times. I know from experience how worrisome and distressing these circumstance can be.

AA is not just for terminally ill people, it is for anyone with care needs

Thanks for your replies. @SeamossIm pretty sure they’re already claiming attendance allowance but I didn’t know they’re getting that much. For sure they could be using that more practically. They do already have a gardener come once a week and a cleaner. Good idea about the hospital transport. She is usually fine driving him but right now it might be better she doesn’t. I definitely agree about making proactive choices now.

@TwinklyMintHelperI didn’t know you could use a hospice like that. I think it’s something to consider if things get a lot worse. I spoke to adult social care of their council the other day and they’re going to come and do an occupational health assessment which DM agrees is a good plan right now. At the moment my DF is sleeping on a reclining chair downstairs and my mum on a sofa in the other room. We’ve offered to bring down a single bed for them but they didn’t agree to that.

My DM does usually have some time to herself. Up to now she’s been able to leave DF. We’d need to either cover for her or get someone in to help. That’s a good idea about a referral to a community stoma nurse.

I also want my DM to do something about her knees. GP has recommended an injection but I think she’s worried she won’t be able to look after DF.

Oh gosh that's frustrating that she's still putting off treatment for herself to stay a carer. I wonder if talking about 'nurses' and 'convalescence' would help at all.

@curlyrebel Your DM with her knee issues sounds like my DM: she was a carer for DF but had increasingly bad arthritis in both knees. Steroid injections were tried and didn't really do anything. A consultant prescribed a) knee replacements, and b) a bungalow, but she refused both, as my father would never have agreed to move from their totally unsuitable house, and she was worried about not being able to look after DF while recovering from the operation.

Of course her knees just got worse and worse, and she ended up even more disabled than DF. They did finally agree to a stair lift, but wouldn't adapt the bathroom or shower room, so DM was not able to have a bath or shower for the last five years of her life.

You could try pointing out to your DM that her knees will only get worse, not better, and what that will mean for her caring role, but you can't force anyone to get healthcare they refuse.

Why are they so obstinate,. is it a kind of denial I wonder

@SoloSofa24I’m sorry to hear about your DM. It must have been difficult for you to see her decline. It’s exactly what I’m worried will happen with mine.
I really can’t see my parents moving either. I do understand because they’ve been in the same house for around 40 years and they love their garden. But they are pretty change adverse in general.

Unfortunately my DF had another fall in the night. Luckily not as serious and nurses came in the morning to visit. They’ve made some recommendations and are getting a couple of aids delivered which I think will help.

I asked DM if she should get a carer to help but she thinks it’s the more personal stuff that is the toughest, like clearing up after him (with incontinence). Still, I think it’s worth having someone visit once a day to relieve pressure from DM.