Helpline phone line for carers of family members with dementia

[wombpaloumpba]

Does this exist?

looking for one that you can phone that will mainly listen as well as signpost and offer advice

for my mother in law who is 24/7 carer for my father in law and doesn’t want any help, she is very stubborn about this but we see her world getting so small and she is depressed.

Admiral nurses can be very helpful www.dementiauk.org/information-and-support/how-we-can-support-you/admiral-nurse-dementia-helpline/

Alzheimer’s society have a great one - Google Your local Number.

Your local council will have a carers team, contact them & ask for a carers assessment. They will have information about all the local carers groups/support etc. Admiral nurses are very good but they work with veterans of the armed services & their family members.

@wombpaloumpba sympathy with you. Cautionary tale I repeat over and over - Social services can only do a care assessment IF your MIL agrees. I thought I had cracked it in getting social services involved until our mother point blank refused to engage with them. As she is deemed to have capacity she can make her own choices - even though they impact massively and destructively on the rest of the family. Hopefully your MIL might not be as stubborn as our mother.

Thanks. She’s very very anti help and carers. I believe she has had a carers assessment and gets the attendance allowance but I think what she needs is someone to talk to when we aren’t there, who understands and isn’t judgemental and won’t make her force her into anything

@wombpaloumpba ah I understand. So she has been offered carers but has refused? Would she talk to anyone about how she would like life to be better?

Are you happy to say what county? Often the best resources are local.

There are several dementia / Alzheimer helplines that you might want to call.

Alzheimer Scotland has a really useful 24 hour free phone helpline - 0808 808 3000 - they can listen, signpost and also provide details of local carers support groups and local facilities that may help both your father and mother in law. Day centres, lunch clubs, activities etc.

The English equivalent, Alzheimer’s Society is only open during the day - 0333 150 3456 - and is not a freephone number

I know she is unwilling to get help, but it might also be worthwhile speaking to the local Social Services department to see if there is anything they can suggest. A care assessment should be carried out to determine their needs, but this is difficult if she is refusing any assistance.

Sorry, just seen your update which indicates that a care assessment has already been carried out.

Another assessment would need to take place if their situation changes / your father in law’s dementia progresses.

Do you know the outcome of the assessment and if she was honest with how they are managing?

A helpline would definitely be non judgemental and would explore options. They are also anonymous so she can talk freely without worry.

As a family, you could try to encourage her to get some help / support, but you can’t force her. It’s very difficult.

Admiral Nurses were a god send for us in the early stages of my FIL’s dementia.

@yeesh I’ve just looked up Admiral nurses and they don’t seem to be limited to helping veterans and their families. They came up on the Dementia UK website

https://www.britishlegion.org.uk/get-support/how-we-help/admiral-nurses

this service is very good, they work long term with the carer. I didn’t realise that there are non-veteran admiral nurses.

Oh I completely agree with this.
My DM had capacity to make decisions, and they were great decisions for her. Unfortunately much less so for the rest of the family. She chose to move in with my sister and demanded that family did everything for her, unassisted, as she would not accept or pay for carers.

@StScholastica awful entitlement from so many of these older people. I reflect on the past 7 or 8 years and can pin point my parents becoming more ridiculous to around 8 years ago. Unwilling to see we are not young but were ‘expected’ to dance to their tune. Sadly it creeps up on you. I wasted so much time sorting LPOAs out for mine as they ‘didn’t know how to do it’. I sat with them asking for them to add any wants etc to the H&W one. “Oh no Blue we want you to make all the decisions and we will agree with whatever you say so as ‘not to be a burden’. The H&W LPOA is absolutely zero use until they are deemed to have lost capacity and the test for it is simply - can they make decisions-if yes then however stupid or burdensome the decision is to wider family they can do what they want.

I feel at time that I had a new baby 8 years ago and a very difficult one at that who in my mothers case is stubborn, argumentative, unwilling to make sensible choices and worse still refuses any outside help. All manipulation so we eventually turn up and end up doing the garden/cleaning/washing/cooking etc - It is like she has always been. Digs her heels in until one of us crumbles and does things ‘her way’.

I have backed right off recently as it has made me incredibly unwell. I have an another thread about having ‘got off the rollercoaster’. It is tough and a day at a time.

I am still anxious BUT I am working on that. I feel like someone ’stole’ my 50s from me. I read about how great your 50s are. Mine have been awful because of my elderly parents.

Could be worth trying Silverline or Age UK befriending?

@BlueLegume thing is we can think we will never be like that, but I can remember my DM telling me to shoot her if she ever got like my demanding grandmother. 20 years down the line I am now dealing with an elderly demanding mum. She wouldn't recognise herself from what she was like.

@crumblingschools I understand your point completely. Sadly our situation was always inevitable. They have been so difficult their whole lives, always contrary, silly cliched language always knows better than everyone. Also an immaculate house and look amazing when they went out, but a garden storage until full of 60 years worth of crap and not a space in any wardrobe, cupboard or drawer to put anything. Hundreds of useless items for the ‘middle aisle’. Storage box after storage box of Holland and Barret supplements-all out of date - but apparently that doesn’t matter.

I appreciate exactly your point though.