Mother in law dying and guilt.

[Menopausalmum43]

My mother in law is dying she has reached the end of her life aged 96. We have looked after her for YEARS. She lived 25 miles away, we've done all shopping, appointments, admin, cleaning ,stayed when she is ill all with a young child and two full time jobs. For the last two years she lived with us and it was very full on then 6 months in a care home we then moved to be closer so could visit daily. We had to reduce hours at work, multiple nights in Aand E and the whole thing has taken its toll on us and our family life. We have put her first for years. In turn I love her very much, she loves me we have no problems and I'm sad in my heart to know that I'm about to lose someone so special. My own mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers a couple of weeks ago but she is very early stages so we hopefully have some time. I feel so guilty that im glad that I no longer will have to deal with my husbands relations (being polite when they don't bother with her to avoid upsetting her). Be able to go on holiday without scheduling cover for her daily visit, never having to go to any more appointments with a 50 mile round trip, not having to work bring fetch and carry. I feel this creeping sense of jubilance that we will be able to have a few years (until my mum needs me) of less responsibility other than to ourselves and our son and will be able to enjoy life with a bit more spontaneity. We'll actually be able to move house somewhere we want to live other than feeling we couldn't move too from the care home. Ive had no reprieve, cancelled holidays and lost money. Then comes the guilt for actually looking forward to the future a bit.
We don't stand to inherit from her at all, she has lots of money but the whole lot is being donated to the hospice that cared for her husband yet he vultures are circling, last they heard they stand to inherit lots of money from her but she changed her will last year so nobody does. I'm proud that she's had the last giggle.

you have nothing to feel guilty for at all. You have changed your lives to shape them around the needs of your MIL, and it sounds as if she appreciated your sacrifices. You did a hell of a lot more than most people would.

Are you ok about not inheriting from her? Many people would feel that was unfair.

And I hope her son did his fair share of helping his mum, and it wasn’t all down to you.

Your reaction is not uncommon. When my dad's friend died at the age of 90+, his son told me that he felt relief.

I can understand: when you're caring for someone, your life is not your own.

I know exactly how you feel. I felt a very real and raw set of emotions including guilt for feeling relieved when my DM passed away after a long illness. My DM whose care took over my life for 3 years whilst I was working FT and trying to parent young children.
You and your DH sound like you have done an amazing job in helping her to live her life. Be kind to yourselves and go on holiday. Remember the happy times and celebrate them. Recharge your batteries and prepare for supporting your own DM. I’m sorry to hear of her diagnosis.
…. and sadly, every family has its vultures. As you say, your MIL will have the last laugh. Look after yourself.

You’ve been brilliant, perfect. No cause for guilt. Of course you want this last difficult stage over.

I hope people don't challenge her will. It is very sad and at the same time a release, forgive yourselves you have done your best and more than many people would have done.

@Menopausalmum43

You have nothing to feel guilty about.
It's a joy to hear you talk about your relationship with her given the usual MIL posts here.
You have given freely of yourself for many years and no-one wants to see a loved one suffer unnecessarily.
She has had a long life, and her time is nearly here.
Look back on all the happy times you have shared and then look to the future. I'm sure she wouldn't begrudge you some time to focus on yourself.

Don't feel guilty op. You've gone above and beyond for her and her family, to the detriment of your own family and finances.

Completely natural to feel free to do your own thing after 25 years caring for her, especially at a distance, ESPECIALLY knowing there's no inheritance coming your way.

I'd pay money to see the vulture's faces when they discover it's all going to the hospice. And they say that wills destroy relationships - prime example of 'what goes around comes around' wish my mil had done the same after having almost the same circumstances as you, BIL got exactly the same as dh despite maybe 3 visits a year

Seems a bit mean after all that care that she ignores her own family and gives her money away. I am not one for looking for inheritances but that's awful.
Also don't feel guilty as you need to enjoy your life too and don't get caught up in caring for your own mother now if there are people who can row in.

I think you’ve done incredibly well in very difficult circumstances. You should be very proud.

This lady has been blessed having you in her life, soon it will be your time to live the life you want without the shackles of the responsibilities you have held.
I think pretty much everyone who has walked in your shoes will have felt what you are feeling now and that it is perfectly understandable and reasonable to do so.
I am at the beginning of this with my parent and even though i aim to do my best for them i really do not want to be a carer with everything it involves and i can't stand so much of my head space being taken up with all the life admin they need.
You have nothing to feel guilty about at all, you have absolutely done your best , i hope there's a little bit in that will for you ,you deserve something lovely .

What you are feeling is perfectly understandable and normal. When my GM died aged 97, my first reaction was happiness as it meant that my mum was finally free.

You have gone above and beyond. Yes, it will be hard and you will all miss her. But it’s her time.

Her son is a diamond which is why I married him. He couldn't do a lot of the personal care needed but us now sat with her tonight at her care home to make sure she doesn't die alone. I am luckily to have my own money. To be honest I don't want anything from her and they are the type of family who would relentlessly pursue us for money and my freedom and emotional wellbeing is a hard won treasure! I genuinely don't care 😀

Even if they did challenge it at least its not us they'll be bothering because we won't be getting anything either! The funny thing is that she already saw herself slowing and made a very significant donation to her charity last year. So there is even less for them to grab. They'll wonder where its all gone and I'll just be sat here giving her a spiritual high five with a smug 😃

It was my suggestion about her will, due gave a little laugh as she signed the form. I don't need the stress of ongoing legal proceedings. I'm more than grateful for what I have.

I really hope you get the break, rest you deserve

don’t get too jubilant yet as the family may think she’s given you money before she died and still be a pain, though legally they won’t get anywhere. Is your DH executor?

also, I really hope you get the holidays and free time, I was not so fortunate as I always saw that bright horizon and “my time will come” but we rolled from one crisis to the next, and only in my 50s did I realise that that is just life, and to grab that holiday NOW, do that fun thing NOW, as life keeps throwing stuff your way (not meaning to be negative, and maybe I was unlucky!)

take care

Yes I fully understand that things may come along to change it and you are right we need to take the holidays while we can. We have managed to go on some holidays but have always had to plan for her in in some way. Even my own parents who aren't related to her have helped because hey are wonderful. Though we have had the normal crises of life we've had to take her into consideration for absolutely everything. My husband is he executor of her will so if necessary he can just show them a copy and the transfer of the money to the charity. I want to watch as they come skipping gleefully forward only to be told the news. I'm laughing for her now 🤣.
She's still with us his part is so drawn out poor lovely lovely lady.

Blimey you are a better person than me op!
Shes 96 and you have given up years of your life to care for her; you are like a living saint.
Horrible person that I am I would also be annoyed not to get anything in her will. Sounds like the hospice cared for her husband well, but the staff did get paid.

I just don't want the hassle of it to be honest, peace and quiet and emotional stability is all I need. You couldn't swap me all the money in the world for that.

You have done her proud - please don’t feel guilty