A tick list - advice - to help me stop spiraling and reframe it all

[Ludlar]

I’m an only child of parents in their mid 80s. They live in my childhood home in rural - very rural - Scotland about 8hr drive or 1 1/2 hour (v expensive) flight. Until recently their health and wellbeing has been good despite some long term health conditions. It’s suddenly got worse for one and I can see decline in the other. I do what I can and try to get there to help in person as well as lots of advice etc by phone and messages. It’s so difficult though as I have young teen kids who need a lot of support, a demanding job and freelance role and a husband whose work includes travel most weeks. I feel paralyzed by it all dreading the next stage/thing. Is there a useful online resource/book I could use to help focus me on the practical and help me plan. To help me see the positive and enjoy the now? And to help balance it all? Even just the practical side of household planning at home is so important in case I have to leave at short notice.
thanks folks - being an only has never been an issue for me until now….could really do with a sibling to help with all this. I have a wonderful supportive husband and I’m so lucky to have fantastic close friends but most are dealing with similar issues or other serious life changes. Is this true middle age?

Having a sibling might not be of any help at all. I just wanted to say that to you. Sorry you are dealing with this.

It’s awful, all of it, at times I felt very torn, but after a while realised that my own children come first because this could go on for years and years and years.
The only thing I can suggest is to talk to their local public health nurse and make contact with her and get some information about meals on wheels and what is available locally for your parents.

I hope someone here can offer you better advice than me, I just wanted to offer you a nod and say that I understand.

Could your parents be persuaded to move into retirement accommodation? DH's parents did this and it was a massive weight off DH's shoulders. Everything is easier as it's all set up for their needs.

Agreed,as an only child i though a sibling might of helped,but i think with hindsight the having autonomy and spousal support is far better! No, resources i can recommend, but any chance they might move to a retirement flat, it makes a massive difference to all concerned.

is there power of attorney in place in case things go pear shaped quickly ?

have you contact details for their doctors and neighbours ?

Might be worth getting power of attorney in place for both parents in case you need it at some stage.

I would look at any practical help such as a cleaner, food deliveries you might be able to organise for them to help without being there.

I imagine if you get some dates in the diary for when you can visit then parents will have that to look forward to for company and some help.

Could you move them both into a retirement flat near you? It is so much easier to care for elderly parents if you are on hand for a 10 minute pop in rather than a huge drive.

It’s a hard balance - you don’t want to catastrophise or infantilise them, but you do want to be prepared for a crisis.

Get poa for everything.
Get a good understanding of their finances, and ideally 3rd party access on at least one of their current accounts.
Know who their GP is, and have some kind of grip on their medication and health needs.
Get some understanding of how their hospitals/social care systems work.
I found joining the local facebook page very helpful for rustling up local resources.

And in the meantime

• spend time with them, have fun with them, enjoy them for who they are
• let them live their own lives to the end, follow their lead. Don’t bully them into doing something they don’t want to (move house, move out of the area), accept that what they might choose to do doesn’t seem very sensible but it’s how they want to live and ultimately how they want to end their days. By all means help them make their lives easier if that’s what they want, but don’t go any further than that.

The only advice I can give is to accept that you are not going to be able to solve all their problems, and your number one priority has to be your own family and your own MH. It's tough, but the distance means you are going to have to accept local professionals stepping in as and when needed. If you can persuade your parents that they now need care and help, eg visiting carers, then that would be a positive move.

I am a fellow only of aging DPs in Scotland, although I am a bit closer at an hour away, which brings its own particular challenges in terms of expectations ( mostly self generated) in terms of frequency of visits, particularly as things have spectacularly deteriorated in the last month.

Do you have power of attorney? If not then a discussion about that and getting the wheels in motion is one of the most useful things you can do. A friend told me to get this set up on their accounts in advance of needing it, and it’s been very useful over the past month to have a debit card for their account so I can set up a cleaner, do online shopping for them and check on the account. Depending on their finances, they may be amenable to paying for your flights to visit. I know this sounds dirty and money grubbing, but in my case it means it’s “just” costing DH and I most of our free time and not impacting our own finances.

The second thing is to decide if either of them might be eligible for attendance allowance. If they have any recorded medical conditions, it’s definitely worth filling in the form with them, next time you are up.

Can you research local cleaners and see if they would accept someone at least weekly. It means that there is someone coming in who - whilst clearly not a medical professional - can report back to you. I wish I had pushed more for DPs to get a cleaner once I got DM full attendance allowance, rather than having to wait until the wheels fell off the bus because she was so blinking stubborn about it.

As they are in Scotland if they are deemed to be unable to look after themselves then they would be eligible for carers up to 4 times a day. This normally relates to a medical issue or hospital stay.

I would also talk to them about it, try and understand what they want. It’s easy to avoid the discussion, and often pointless as my DPs seem to have forgotten anything we previously discussed about the level of support I can provide whilst working full time, the human desire for self preservation is stronger than anything else when it comes down to it.

Also I am learning there is a gap between how I would like the situation to be, and what is acceptable and what my DPs want right now. Ideally for me DF needs additional support whilst DM is bed bound to help with shopping and meal preparation and reminding him to take his meds as he is getting forgetful, but neither of them will accept that. So I go up at a frequency that is sustainable to me, rather than what I think they actually need as they refused the additional cleaners hours or paid for carers.

Sorry one more thing, once you have the practical stuff in place, try to stop worrying about it. When the inevitable happens it will likely be different from how you envisaged it and you will need different coping strategies to manage it.

I’m so grateful for this flurry of good advice, insight and understanding. You’ve really helped me on a dark Monday morning. I think all compounded from hearing about the death of a close friend’s parent yesterday. I’m going to make a list and start working on it. Getting dates in the diary, POA and finance stuff and some practical help are first on it.
The catastrophising/infantalising cycle is not helpful to anyone. Getting some perspective and focusing on my needs and those of kids is something to work on. In many ways I know how lucky I am to have them so long up there and my loving home here…the point about the clarity and autonomy that comes with being an only is also very useful.
love and strength to you all and please do post any other ideas or thoughts. It’s so much appreciated.

Oh and the other thing I would say is you don’t need to expect to enjoy it or feel grateful about anything.

It’s a thankless slog and I believe it’s ok to label it as work and try to compartmentalise it for your own wellbeing.

You will get people- mostly those who haven’t had to look after elderly DPs - telling you how fortunate you are to have the honour of looking after them. I mostly just try to change the subject at that point.

I have found Age Scotland resources fantastically helpful in terms of what might be needed and what help is available. The information guides, which you can order hard copy for yourself or DPs are great
https://www.agescotland.org.uk/information-advice/information-guides

100% what rookiemere said.

Just bear in mind that they have both done well to live this long. Doesn't mean they should pop off tomorrow or anything, but every day is a bonus - never worry about 'should I have done x or y to help them survive a bit longer'.

I worked in a mainly male job (this is relevant honestly) and if I was feeling stressed, would ask myself what I'd expect one of my colleagues (who were generally decent sorts) to do. It's a way of viewing the situation which cuts through the unspoken fog about daughters and parents.

Also, being so very far away clarifies things a lot. You have every reason to encourage outside help.

What happened with you grandparents and great grandparents? Did any of them have a long period of frailty and/or illness at the end of their life? If so, you could talk to your parents about that perhaps, as a way of prompting some constructive discussions.