Difficult DM v my own wellbeing

[Sunnyside4]

My Mum has always been difficult. She cares, but finds fault with others often over trivial things. This causes arguments. She doesn’t have any friends.

I have to cope with hearing about fall outs with others, I’m meant to totally agree and take her side, even though I often feel it’s her being unreasonable. Every conversation is in minute detail and by the time she's got to the end, I've lost the plot of what it's about. Also, she very much talks at us. This puts me off contacting/seeing her and causes her resentment. We had 18 months of nc a few years ago, sometimes two weeks at a time of nc. Currently on nc for 3 months.

I don’t really want a relationship with her as I get so stressed hearing about ongoing fall outs. However, she’s 83. Earlier in the year she found out she had very high blood pressure, and has since found out she has type 2 diabetes, on top of high cholesterol (which she’s done nothing to address over the years), which obviously could mean a high risk of a stroke/heart attack, death sooner rather than later. I’m the only person with a key to her house and she won’t let the next door neighbour (she reckons neighbour is odd, even though she’ll happily talk at her while I’m there) have my number. If she can sort out her health, she can have her cataracts done - I’m the only one to take her, it’s approx 50 mins drive and not on a bus service.

I’m currently torn between my own current well being/how I cope with the relationship, and not wanting to be the person who leaves an elderly person totally on their own. I suppose I’m thinking if she was taken seriously ill, she could siit there days before someone notices. Even though she tries DH’s patience, he wants me to get in touch with her as he doesn’t want me to have any regrets.

Does anyone have any thoughts/words of wisdom?

I have a difficult mum as well.

mine is drinking herself to death.

honestly it’s not pleasant to watch.
I do short phone call twice a week.

she comes to stay twice a year which is about as much as I feel I can cope with.

put yourself first. I don’t regret pulling back.

also purely in a practical level - consider a key safe.

Can you ask (pay?) the neighbour to keep an eye on her. They could set up a buddy system where they text 'hello' by 10am each day to let the other know all's OK; you could have a copy of your key made for the neighbour. This allows you to say NC for your own wellbeing but to be made aware if there's a problem.

A taxi would sort the cataract journey.

Welcome @Sunnyside4 lots of good support will come your way on here. Ignore anyone telling you ‘but it’s your Mum’. Lots of us in a similar situation. Far too many ‘difficult’ mothers.

From a practical point of view, has she got a fall/emergency button, and a key safe?

Is it possible to have a highly limited relationship with her, very much on your terms. She knows you are prepared to go nc, so can you say "you know I don't want to hear about that" once she starts with the negativity, and hang up/leave. If you are driving her somewhere, just say 'you know I don't want to hear about this' once, then blank her for the rest of the journey?

It might be kinder overall (especially on yourself) to be consistent, brave and blunt, but keep regular minimal contact eg check in once a week.

And if nd neighbour had your number (you could give it to jer yourself) would she use it considerately ie only in a genuine emergency, do you think?

Ultimately this is about you and how you feel about yourself. You haven't said how she reacts to the periods on nc or why you end them.

You don't have to go all in and sit and listen to her garbage, simply in order to be in contact. It is hard to maintain that discipline but well worth developing the skill.

I think this is a bit much to ask of a neighbour to be honest

Could get some kind of medical / hospital transport for the appt?

@Orangesandlemons77 Yes, possibly. But it's worth having the conversation and paying, if necessary, for the peace of mind.

Just give the neighbour your number, thats not up to your Mum.
As for the rest just do as much or as little as you feel able to. Your Mum will get you to do these things unless you refuse to

As PPs have said, it's okay to sit down and work out what would help keep her alive and well without driving you around the bend.

It sounds as though her grumbling endlessly at you about her fall-outs doesn't even make her happy, so that's a good excuse to cut off those calls!
"Now you know when you get yourself worked up about things you just feel worse, so I think we should talk later, bye Mum!" and so on.

God op nightmare same here. I help but one weekly visit enough.. just do what you can sure they moan anyway. We visited relations last wend had keep it quiet. Its v hard with difficult parents. 84

I really sympathise. I have a very difficult cantankerous mother who finds fault, criticises and drones on about religion ad Infinitum. I can’t stand her to be frank. I keep contact absolutely to the minimum and haven’t visited for months following a nasty outburst from her. I also worry about her wellbeing but in the past have organised a key safe and falls alarm . I suggest you do the same. If she starts moaning about fall outs change the subject or invent a reason why you have to leave. It’s so hard.

My mum got very difficult and moaned a lot, so I just told her straight that I thought she was unreasonable. She used to sulk at that and I wouldn't hear from her for a couple of days which was a welcome rest.

Just remember you hold all power in this relationship, treat her like a naughty toddler.

Fairyliz so draining isnt it. Then you told oh she your mother.

Agree it’s not on to put this responsibility on a neighbour. What happens if neighbour is ill- does the arrangement reciprocate- or if they go away do they need to find a deputy? I’m pretty sick of keeping an eye on mine and it’s my own FIL.

You’re not leaving her on her own, she’s choosing to be like that! She could have patient transport or a taxi to the appointment. And a key safe so the emergency services can get in if she does dial 999.

Just came back to thank you all for your replies, which were appreciated. Been a bit down about it all this last week (I share a joint birthday with her and that's coming up, so feeling pressure to make a decision over whether to see her or not). Am OK now though.

Not sure she'll listen, but a key safe sounds like a good idea. My Mum's house is at right angles to the neighbour and she can see the front door very clearly, so not really practical to have a word with neighbour. I've asked Mum to give her my number before, but she won't.

To be honest I don't see that much of her anyway. I find it so stressful and depressing having to hear about fall outs (I'm meant to agree with) and being talked at.

What happens if you say "well I think Joan had a point actually"?

She might want you to agree Joan was in the wrong, but you are entitled to your own opinion. What's the worst that can happen? She sulks? Win!! She screams at you? Phone down/leave/stop car and get out.

In fact, even when you were a child you were theoretically entitled to your own opinion (though of course the jeopardy for children is a lot higher).

I'd just write to the neighbour to give them your number 'in case of urgent need'.

I know how hard it is.....Please don't ask the neighbours.....they could be like me...already having to deal with their own elderly parent...or parents in some cases ...unfortunately you can only do what you can...you can also say NO to your mother....remember you need time out ....look after your own mental and physical health x see you mother the day before your joint birthday...go out with friends on yours x x

I don't know how legal it is re privacy and so on, but I would put nanny cams in strategic areas around the house. I am sure there are some like ring doorbells that connect to your phone no matter where you are. That way you can see that she is ok and can minimise stressful (for you) visits. Just a thought, but again I am aware that you might need her permission. Worth checking out I'd say anyway.

Treat it as a job that you do for an elderly person you don’t care much for. 30 minutes. Brisk. Useful. Nothing more.

This is the approach a friend took to dealing with her very abusive mother post (mums)?dementia.

Ration your visits. Be firm about what you will and won’t discuss. Just be polite but not subservient “Oh, Laura, I don’t find this church scuttlebutt interesting.” Or “I’m sure your old friend did’nt intend to be rude. If you can’t see her side of things maybe you should see a therapist? I have to be going now!”

Also let this be the year you celebrate yourself and your life on your birthday—you don’t need to fuss over her on the “shared” day. I can assure you she resents sharing it with you and your feelings of dread probably go alllll the way back to your having first become aware of her orimacy on that day. Make a new tradition that focuses on you snd your life. Do something special!

Yeah, make your own plans with your own favourite people for your birthday now.

You can give your phone number to whoever you like!

If the neighbour is willing to phone you in an emergency that's excellent.