Totally burnt out emotionally

[BlueLegume]

Evening - I have other threads and have found solace contributing and taking advice on here - the Elderly Parents thread.

Had a terrible few weeks and took it out last night on my partner. I know I overstepped the mark. He is utterly fed up of the whole parent situation-as am I.

Tried to make amends today- we barely spoke all day - did make a lovely meal which he ate and appreciated. Suggested a reconciliation hug after the meal - he let rip. Told me if I ever take it out on him again he is leaving me as he is sick of the whole situation with my elderly parents- mother in particular.

Hands up I did not cover myself in glory last night - the stress is debilitating. So not to drip feed..Father is ina nursing home and well cared for. Mother with zero physical illnesses is impossible to deal with. Every time we fix a ‘problem’ she creates a new one.

I can totally see my partners frustration- I just feel like no one understands the bigger picture of the stress and constant anxiety. I do not want to lose my partner - I cannot force my mother to accept outside help. How do we break the cycle?

Thanks foe reading so far. Vent required.

Abandon your DM, Blue.
Go no contact on her and spend time with your DH and other relatives and take your life back.
Reading your threads over the years, from your comments she is ghastly and nothing you ever do is enough or right.
She is never happy. You have tried so hard for so long.
She will be like this until her last breath and she will never change.
WALK AWAY
Spend the next 30 years of your own life trying to please yourself.
Your DH is more important than some sad, ungrateful , unhinged, manipulative woman.
You have already spent 50 years trying to please her and 'haven't cracked it'.

This is going to sound harsh and cruel, but it's not meant to be; how do you think you will feel when DM eventually dies?
Will you look back saying you never did enough and weren't helpful? Will you be overwhelmed with sadness, remembering the lovely things she did for you and the pleasurable time you had together?
I doubt it.
All you will remember is the absolutely shit bits and the wedge she tried to put between you and your DH and the wedge between you having a normal life. Quit now when you have your health.
Sending huge hugs to you. You don't deserve to be a shell of yourself worn down and stressed to the nines. .You deserve laughter, sunshine, carefree time and the freedom to please yourself. You deserve the best of everything. xx

@BlueLegume Sorry to hear your latest update. I have read your other threads and your mum is a total nightmare. I don't want to guilt you but it's not right you are taking things out on him -you should really be taking things out on her. Plus he can see your mother is literally running you into the ground which can't be great either 😔. I vote high boundaries, not listening to the flying monkeys and put yourself first for once. Harsh as it sounds but whatever you do WILL NOT BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER AND WLL NOT BE RIGHT! This is obviously in her eyes rather than reality. But you deserve your own life and your mother deserves the consequences of her actions

@GoldDuster @BernardButlersBra @Mum5net thanks all. I know you are all so right in that nothing I do will ever ever be right. She simply sees me ‘solve’ a problem and promptly proceeds to move the ‘goal posts’.

You are so right in that trying to please someone who will never be pleased’ is somewhat irrational. I need to stop and sadly I sense no contact is the only way forward. Any attention is simply feeding her addiction/personality disorder.

She does deserve the consequences you are quite correct. She does not deserve my time or energy any more. Massive wake up call my partner saying what he did - rightly so I lost the plot the other day down to pure frustration at how much easier life could be if she accepted she needs help. Sadly, and this was told to me about 18 months ago by a nurse and social prescriber at her surgery. ‘Blue, she doesn’t want outside help because she has told us she has daughters who can help’. She has so much brass neck it is unbelievable.

Anyway long walk and a deep breath for me.

As ever you lot are brilliant. Thanks for not piling on and telling me to ‘step up’…..🤗

And you don’t need to help u less you agree

all the while you are enabling your mum’s behaviour - which is very hard and easily done, but that will be why your dh is angry - this must be a pattern you are in that’s had an impact on your marriage - look up the drama triangle

Thanks @Doggielove2 - I know the drama triangle but good reminder to revisit it.

Isn’t it mad that even unpleasant attention feeds some personalities. Afternoon of revisiting all the resources you guys have shared over the years and resetting good firm boundaries.

I have just had a few unsettled weeks with other issues in life so felt incredibly vulnerable and frustrated that my own mother will not help me help her. Thanks again.

She sees you solve the problem, and moves the goal posts because this is about control, not problem solving. She doesn't want outside help, she wants you dancing for her. You get to decide if this is something you are going to do, or not. She gets to decide how she is going to rearrange her life in the absence of your availability. She won't set on fire.

Exactly.
The devastating exchange with DH might mean you finally see that you are at the end of the road with your DM.
Literally, it's him or her.
The crazy roller coaster has finally come to an abrupt stop and this is your last chance to get off while you and DH are still intact. It will begin again any moment so recognise this is your moment. Your DSis can escape, too.

It's so easy, Op for people to tell you to set boundaries, drop the rope etc but this is your mum we're talking about. I understand. Can you get outside care in if she needs that? Assuming she has capacity, can you have a conversation where you make it clear to her what you will and won't accept? What sort of mistakes and issues are you clearing up for her? It's a terribly stressful situation and unfortunately partners can get caught in the crossfire. Is dh normally supportive?

Thanks all - I think @Mum5net just nailed it with the final post. Time to leave the roller coaster and move on. Thanks all - sometimes I just need a sensible set of replies like this to restore my sense of reality. You are all great.

So stop suggesting, listen and nod and say aw that’s tough what are you going to do. I know you know this you just need to do it, it will become second nature. Your efforts aren’t actually making it better . May as well be hanged for a sheep as for a lamb.

@Bbq1 Sadly she refuses outside help. She had a cleaner before Dad was admitted to a nursing facility but she upset her so the cleaner refuses to come back. Mum has a very bad reputation in her village. She has alienated very good people including every single neighbour. However she thinks they are the problem not her - they are all apparently ’common’. Whatever that means.

She will not have any external help especially carers as she says she has full capacity to make her own choices. ASC have tried but she refused to let them in and refused a care assessment-again she tells them she has two daughters and that they can help. Even though when we help she then uses the time to critique anything we do - wrong washing cycle, food too salty/spicy/bland.

DH is unbelievably supportive-just tired of seeing me so broken.

The real frustration for me is she tells lies - always has done so not new - for example she told me she has got issues with her feet as she cannot cut her toenails. Apparently she had not got strong enough clippers. I bought some strong ones went over and she had ‘miraculously’ found some pretty industrial ones I knew she had but denied that she did. I then get big sad eyes ‘I didn’t know I had them’.

ASC are very nice but they have zero power to intervene. Sadly they were also lied to by our brother who gave them the impression he speaks to our mother daily - he does not - and that he does housework for her - he does not. They didn’t bother to corroborate this with our mother. I understand they are pushed and that she is low priority as she is in a warm house with a food delivery by our brother. I refuse to deliver food as I did it a lot in 2024 and she spitefully informed me she had ‘thrown it away’ and she will only eat specific brands.

Why will you get flamed? She’s awful. Why is she more important than you. You are trauma bonded to her I think, you are getting something from the relationship like picking a scab. It’s not conscious but you know you’d miss it if it went in a perverse way.

am very much saying this from experience as I try not to text my mother to see how she is!

You DO have a choice!
You drop the rope and you live your life.
You've said yourself she has capacity.
Stop being a martyr.
Usually, there will be a crisis that will trigger more support.
Set clear boundaries with your mother.
It's not easy but it can be done - I've done it.

Thanks @groovylady absolutely not being a martyr but I can see if you have only read this thread that might come across.

I am well equipped with lots of resources and advice as I said a few posts up I have had to deal with some other things in the past week or so so have felt very vulnerable and perhaps not as strong to reinforce necessary boundaries. I am pleased you were able to set clear boundaries-it is impossible to do this with my mother.

Good on you for being so strong.

@BlueLegume
Gosh, with your update Op, I have changed my advice and now really think you have to cut ties with your mother. She sounds very difficult, unpleasant and ungrateful. It would be different if you had a warm and loving relationship. If she was a lovely mum. If you can't cut ties completely, set firm boundaries with her and tell her that you won't be deviating from them. You need to for the sake of your own mental health, Op.

Very proud of you @BlueLegume for coming to a decision.
Genuinely, I think you need an "I have left the roller coaster" thread which collectively those on the Elderly Parents' forum will support you as you navigate new territory.
This is the start of a new era and chapter. I remember vividly when the roller coaster on which I was an unwilling participant stopped. This is your moment. No going back.

Just want to add this: OP, your mum is enjoying herself immensely. Being awful to the cleaner, telling lies, outraging the neighbours, throwing your food away. She's getting to take revenge on the world for all the real or imagined injustices she thinks were visited upon her in her life, probably by her own parents (in her opinion).

She's very likely sociopathic and conflict-addicted, she needs the dramas because life seems very grey in between blow-ups. The biggest clue is the moving of the goalposts - nothing is ever right for her, ever good enough. For which read (all addicts do this) "I must ensure my supply." ie, of conflict. It's tragic, but nowhere near as tragic as her ruining you & your DH's lives as well. You sound like a good person, so your instinct is to empathise & help - but the relationship you have with her is not a normal, supportive mother-daughter one - and beneath your concern you know that. She is controlling you & you must limit your involvement with her severely or cut all contact - only carry on seeing her if you are prepared for this new, tough phase.

It sounds like you are hoping against hope for her to show you kindness or gratitude; I don't know if she ever has. It seems likely her huge internalised anger will never allow her to do that now. And you'll have to grieve for the loss of whatever good parts your relationship may have had. Trying to love someone who has no love in them is understandable but impossible. I wish you strength.

New thread - thanks @Mum5net for the suggestion
www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5330251-i-have-left-the-rollercoaster-help-me-never-get-back-on

OP, your mother can choose not to have outside help, but you can choose not to prioritise your DM over your DH. She won’t shower? Tough - she’ll have to go dirty. She won’t die if she only showers once a week. Talk to your DH about what he would consider reasonable, in terms of how often he thinks you should go round/ what help to offer, and be guided by him. I understand it’s your mother, but it sounds as though you do what you do for her through guilt rather than love, and she needs to understand that a relationship is a two way street - if she upsets you, maybe it’s time to let her know, so that she understands that if she’s unreasonable, you won’t just keep coming back for more. Good luck! And remember, it’s your own family you need to prioritise - that’s you and DH, not your mother.

The drama triangle is about going round and round to avoid intimacy but we have a responsibility if we get on it and “play the game”

it sounds incredibly entrenched and it will be hard but no way would I risk my marriage over this

good luck..glad we have you the momentum

Here's our story.
Born when mum was mid 40s. Great emphasis was put on honouring and respecting your parents.

We were our mum's carers from we were 6 or 7, even though she was perfectly capable of looking after herself, smoking and going out drinking every night.

Fast forward to when we got married. After dad died we saw mum through anorexia, alcoholism and depression. Nothing we did seemed to help for long because then we wouldn't need to be at her beck and call.

My husband was very patient. I don't know how he put up with it.
I put having children on hold because I was mentally and physically incapable of looking after a child as well as my mum. Priorities eh...

Even though my sibling's husband was helping mum too he told her numerous times he was getting fed up and to cut down the visits - 6 days a week.

Everyone warned her her marriage was in danger but she wanted validation from mum that she was a dutiful daughter and that she'd done enough. That was never going to happen.

He told her he was leaving. She begged and pleaded with him not to go, but the damage was done.
When mum found out, her first reaction wasn't oh my poor daughter, it was, you and DH breaking up is making me ill. I hope I had nothing to do with it 🙄.

A week later mum died and it turned out she had stopped taking all her medication bar the antidepressants and sleeping tablets.

It's been over 20 years and my sibling is still alone, can't move on and never got over losing her marriage.

Please learn from her experience and listen to your husband.

@Droopingdahlia oh my. These mothers are a special sort aren’t they. Mine would respond exactly as your did….all about ‘her’. Hope your sibling has a better life now. No consolation I know but you all sound awesome. Too many of us ‘awesome’ offspring being led a merry dance.

Time for your DB to step up and do the things he says he does. I’d tell him you’re stepping back, then block them both so the ringing and pinging doesn’t drive you to distraction.

My mum is very similar in that she would love to see me and DH break up, also difficult, mean-spirited etc I’ve been NC since August last year and it’s lovely. When you’re on your deathbed Blue, will you look back and wish you spent more time with your DH or your mum?

Take care, and be kind to yourself.

@Droopingdahlia Your family have been through so much. I'm going to bookmark your post as it's so painful. You and your DSis's sacrifice should never be minimised and if you don't mind, I might repost when appropriate.

@Mum5net, I could say a lot more including neglect, physical and emotional abuse which I had locked away tightly in a box.
It came to a head just after lockdown. The box burst open and it has left me not knowing who I was, who I am or who I want to be. I modelled myself on my parents demands and expectations.