Totally burnt out emotionally

[BlueLegume]

Evening - I have other threads and have found solace contributing and taking advice on here - the Elderly Parents thread.

Had a terrible few weeks and took it out last night on my partner. I know I overstepped the mark. He is utterly fed up of the whole parent situation-as am I.

Tried to make amends today- we barely spoke all day - did make a lovely meal which he ate and appreciated. Suggested a reconciliation hug after the meal - he let rip. Told me if I ever take it out on him again he is leaving me as he is sick of the whole situation with my elderly parents- mother in particular.

Hands up I did not cover myself in glory last night - the stress is debilitating. So not to drip feed..Father is ina nursing home and well cared for. Mother with zero physical illnesses is impossible to deal with. Every time we fix a ‘problem’ she creates a new one.

I can totally see my partners frustration- I just feel like no one understands the bigger picture of the stress and constant anxiety. I do not want to lose my partner - I cannot force my mother to accept outside help. How do we break the cycle?

Thanks foe reading so far. Vent required.

Thanks FOR not FOE🖕

You need to step back - as hard as it is. If you are always available and problem solving you will always be at her beck and call. Contact adult social care and step back. If mum refuses help, it’s on her. Time to get your life back and put in boundaries .

is your future worth ruining for your mother? If not drop the rope say no.

Agree. Continuing to fix her problems is just keeping the chain going. You can't force her to accept outside help but you can force her hand somewhat by withdrawing yours. Sounds harsh but sometimes it comes to that.

So sorry to hear this @BlueLegume

I understand.

Have you got someone professional to talk it through with? Have found it essential when I am getting overwhelmed. It just isn't fair on DH to use him as my therapist or take out my inner rage on. This stuff is hard and debilitating, and can't be endured alone. Equally, you need to put some boundaries in. Look for a therapist. Spend an hour a week focusing on no one but you during your session. It is so f**king exhausting but protect yourself and your future.

Blue it's so easy to say this and so hard to do, but your partner has set a clear boundary. This is the time to use that boundary - write yourself a card or note saying 'I can't, DH wont let me. Hope you can find another solution' and practice saying it. Show him that you are taking what he said seriously and remove yourself from additional stress.

@DrummingMousWife thank you but we are way beyond ASC. They were involved years ago but as she is deemed to have full capacity and will not accept outside help there is nothing to stop her keep her shenanigans up.

The post was more about how these situations break people and their families.

As ever on here will always appreciate advice and support. Just gutting to hear my partner - understandably-say he cannot take much ore of the unnecessary stress.

@PermanentTemporary thank you. Sound advice.

My mother has now alienated so many people and refuses any eternal help I feel trapped. If I do not shower her she refuses to. It is so demeaning but I have no choice. Social services simply cannot help unless my mother agrees.

OK, so you don't shower her. You do have a choice. You cannot be and do everything. You will break your relationship and yourself if you carry on.

@Lastknownaddress thank you - sensible comments and advice. I have has therapy and you are correct to not use my partner as my ‘therapist’.

My mother is just impossible-always has been. All I hear when I suggest help is ‘I don’t want that’

You tell SS that this is the situation, you will no longer be providing personal care for her, therefore SS are now responsible for her care and ensuring she is not neglected. You have withdrawn all personal care.

Tell your DM the same. She has forced your hand and put you in a situation where you are no longer able to participate in her care without enormous risk to your own mental health.

Agree with this @BlueLegume you need to stop being present for her. It will reach crisis but at that point ASC will step in. For as long as you prop this up the longer it will go on.

Have you ever told her that YOU do not want to be responsible for her personal care, and her wants do not trump yours?

@thedevilinablackdress understand. Thank you though. I am already utterly exhausted and broken by her.

@DogWithoutItsPerson great points - yes I have done that pretty much word fpr word. She then says she won’t have strangers in the house.

I will get flamed for what I am about to say - she has always been difficult - odd personality- her GP prescribed an anti anxiety 18 months ago but has not checked on the medication or how it is affecting her. She is simply a very difficult person.

Then that’s her choice.

if you don’t shower her and she won’t have carers in, then she will have to remain unshowered until SS intervene.

You need to simply tell her you’re not doing it and hold firm. If you always give in and do it for her then you’re participating in her situation and enabling her to say no to carers.

Tell her that due to her unreasonable behaviour you are no longer able to visit her until she has arranged the personal care that you’re no longer able to do.

@DogWithoutItsPerson sound words.

I genuinely get where my partner is coming from. I am exhausted by things. He is genuinely fed up - near on 40 years of her awful behaviour. She would thrive on my partner leaving me.

I’m going to try and make amends with him 🤗

She would thrive on your partner leaving you. That's truly awful. No one woul flame you for calling her difficult (per your earlier post) even before hearing that.
Stop making yourself ill for someone who has little regard for you.

Tell your mum you are going on holiday for a week and block her number. She can refuse carers if she like, but not at your expense. Ring for a social chat in a week then block her for another couple of days.rinse and repeat.

Or sacrifice your marriage.

Blue, my mother died 2 years ago and yet here I am on this thread. They can really do a number on you. Looking back and reading online, a comment I took to heart, after they died, and too late for me, was to the effect that you are now an adult and no longer need to keep them happy for your own safety. You are not a child any more that has to do as you are told. Pretty obvious eh? I didn’t see it. I did that, I had to keep them happy, to avoid the aggression and be the good daughter. Mum did the same as yours, once I got her teeth fixed, she was on the phone that night talking about the next thing she needed help with. I got to know it was coming. It’s really the same answers here, decide how often you can cope with visiting her and only visit that often, leave immediately if there’s aggro, prioritise your husband, when she gives you a problem ask her how SHE is going to deal with it and tell her you won’t be showering her any more and she needs carers if she can’t do it herself. Treat it like a job and you have an awkward client, if she doesn’t like the new you and reacts badly, just say you have made your decision - on repeat. I found talking to them on speakerphone kept me sane as I could do other things at the same time, as well as noting the time and making sure the call only lasted eg 15 mins. Think what annoys you the most and just refuse to do it any more. You don’t need to answer the phone every time she phones either. Your husband has given you a wake up call and you do need to listen to him. Its taken him a long time to get to this stage. I remember reading about a woman on one of these forums whose husband put up with it all for years and then died. That’s heartbreaking. You have your own life and only you can enforce your right to it. If mum doesn’t shower that’s a her problem, not a you problem. You really don’t have to run to fix her life for her. A very small word will get you out of this, the word NO. That must be a lot easier than what you are going through? Also think would you expect your own kids if you have them to put up with this from you? Did mum put up with it from her parents? My mum did nothing for her mother yet expected it from me. Find your anger. Go on holiday, get away from it all for a few days. Come back refreshed. Refuse to talk about showering or doing anything that carers can be paid to do. Any mother that would thrive on your husband leaving you, is not the person you should be destroying your life for. Talk to your husband, tell him you agree your commitment is intolerable and it has to be reduced and reduced now, agree what’s reasonable and what you can easily cope with and stick to it like glue. You break the cycle by saying no and realising you have every right to say it. Difficult parents make us feel we have no rights, I know mine certainly thought that.

I’d totally lie to her if I wasn’t strong enough to tell her the truth. My pals like that. In an ideal world we wouldn’t lie but if needs must after years of emotional blackmail and daughter guilt… why not.

You couod say youre going on holiday. She won’t seek help for a week. She will just not wash.

“Fell and staved my wrists” is a good one. You couod add that on at the end if your ‘holiday’.

“ I Can’t wash you mum. Can’t do your shopping. Cant drive. Can’t do anything. Im really sorry. What will we do? The doctor says 6-8 weeks to heal”

That’ll force her to do something. If she doesn’t wash it won’t kill her. She will need food though. Online shopping?

Id absolutely step back. You have one life. One. Don’t waste it on her. You have a husband. Concentrate on him.

Old people never want strangers in the house. Nae luck as it comes to us all and we just have to get in with it. Shes being selfish and now You should be too and put her needs second. You owe her nothing. you’ve done your bit.

Blue, which do you want? I was faced with this during the first lockdown. My DH was far more at risk than my DM was. I absolutely had to put him first, otherwise there was a very very real risk of losing him. It was so hard putting in that boundary to protect him, but five years on I can see how beneficial it was.

Not just from the obvious - he’s still alive! But it showed her where the boundary is and that I wouldn’t put her above my DH.

Don’t see her or speak to her for at least a week. Spend some time with your DH doing some days out or whatever you enjoy. It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t get showered, so what, her choice.

@EmotionalBlackmail great advice as ever, thank you. Made a decision to not contact her now and repair myself (again) and importantly DH faith in me that he is my priority.

Previous threads re read and focused on some of the incredibly sensible advice on here. Thanks all.

I found it helpful to remind myself that you can never get back the time with a partner. I’ve seen people run into the ground by caring and then not end up with the retirement they wanted, because they’ve become ill themselves, their partner has become ill (or died) or left them.

What do YOU want your future to look like?

Accept that she has free will, as do you. You've got as much right to excercise yours as she has, do not prioritise her life over yours. From the sounds of it you won't get it right no matter how you try and your life could be burning around you and she still wouldn't be satisfied.

You can't control her behaviour, but you can certainly control your own.