My dad

[HoraceGoesBonkers]

I've been on this board for years with various parental wrangles. My dad has finally died. It's so odd but it's like I'm finally remembering him more as a person now. I haven't been able to have a conversation with him for years.

So sorry for your loss 💐🫂

I'm sorry - I know it had been anticipated but a strange mix of emotions now I'm sure. Have you got some happy memories to carry you through the next stage or is that hard?

Sorry for your loss @HoraceGoesBonkers .I remember you from the other threads. I see the death of very old people with degenerative diseases as a release from purgatory really. 💐

Sounds like a complicated nest of feelings @HoraceGoesBonkers I’m sorry for what you have lost, be kind to yourself 💐

Sorry to hear that @HoraceGoesBonkers. It's such a shock even when imminently expected

Thanks all.

I've been NC with my mum - we've had a couple of more unexpected family bereavements and I always end up being dumped on. I've had counselling so at least I can see it for what it is.

I went to see her yesterday to try and sort out the funeral. I was barely through the door and it started up- getting told to phone the funeral director, her trying to get me to eat food I (and my dad and half the family) are allergic to, her trying to book a hotel for us for after the funeral when I don't want to stay, having to say repeatedly that I didn't want any of Dad's clothes from the nursing home, which I'm pretty sure she'll try and give us anyway.

I honestly think she's got some sort of neurodiversity condition or personality disorder as her behaviour is so off the wall.

Oh, and nothing has been planned for the funeral! Dad's been about to die for 3 years so it's really not a surprise.

@HoraceGoesBonkers so sorry for your loss. Even sorrier that you had to experience your mother again.

You have been a great source of comfort to me over this board. I hope we don’t lose you completely but please do take some time to heal a little. Totally with you on the comments about neurodivergence or personality issue - I am inclined to think many of the diagnoses perhaps should just consider some people are rude and or difficult naturally.

@HoraceGoesBonkers people can be particularly difficult at this sort of time and even normally sensible folk can suddenly show their insane side.

Your poor Dad is now safe from any further suffering, so, TBH, you can make decisions to suit yourself.
I lost a relative last year, and, despite them both being in their 80s, his wife seemed remarkably vague about arranging a funeral! I chivvied very gently but nothing more. Although I wasn't keen on the poor chap sitting around in the hospital mortuary, it wasn't a hill to die on. Very little is, when you think about it.

@bluelegume - thank you! I'll pop on and off here, I'm sure.

@MysterOfwomanY It's not just a one off losing the plot situation I'm afraid. She seems to have a coping mechanism around bereavements of dragging things out for as long as possible and making them as complicated as possible too. Its extremely tough to deal with. This has been going on for years.

I was having a big wobble yesterday as the church we're having the funeral in was also where we had my brother's funeral and where my sister got married (she died fairly young of mental health issues).

I just want to get this over with now.

@HoraceGoesBonkers hope things go ok. Remember we all have your back even if we are not there in person. Many of us ‘get’ the personality situation and we want you to know you are not the problem.

The whole dragging things out and making everything unnecessarily difficult and complicated is very familiar.

From my perspective it is a control thing for my mother. She simply doesn’t want …..here is the problem and here is the solution conversations. She wants to talk at me and is utterly disinterested in sensible suggestions to fix said issues.

Hand hold from afar - you can channel some inner strength knowing we are all here.

Sounds very difficult with the church. I do wonder sometimes how strong life expects to be. UnMN hugs for you.

@HoraceGoesBonkers deepest sympathies for your loss and wishing you strength for the days ahead 💐
I imagine we’ll be in the church my mum’s funeral was in when the time comes with our father and the grief is multilayered.