Hi there, first post here, I could really do with some advice.
I'm male, in my late 50's & have a brother a couple of years younger who I have never got on with, even as children we disliked one another & have never been close. We do not exchange gifts, never visit each other or speak to one another, we have no contact at all & I am happy with that arrangement & I suspect he is too.
He has adult children who I am in contact with & have a good relationship with.
I have an adult child & I don't believe they are in touch with their uncle, but cannot be sure, if they were I would not object.
Brother has always been close to our Father & I am closer to Mum.
My brothers wife died some years ago, suddenly & unexpectedly, his children were all minors at the time, this caused the children to spend more time with my parents & I started to see more of them because of this as I have always been a regular visitor to Mum & Dad, fortnightly at least over the years & for the last year or so it has been weekly at least.
My brother is very controlling, in many ways it is just because he can, rather than the need to do so. I would say some of his actions have been mentally cruel to his children since their Mums death some 15 years ago. There have been stunts pulled & acts of unkindness that have left me speechless, whilst we have never spoken, I suspect his children (who are all adults now) and our parents have indicated to him that I know.
I live a 45 min drive from our parents in good traffic, my brother is maybe 5 min away.
I suffer from a painful neuropathic medical condition that requires periods of exercise several times daily to keep it at bay, I also take gabapentin that makes me very tired, but it's the only meds that work.
I had a very good well paid job until last year, but even with concessions from HR & OH, it was very stressful & target driven & was the wrong job for someone with my illness, so I retired early.
I am luckly to own my own small home & I live very frugally on a private pension, but my pain has been 90% better since quitting so I did the right thing & life has been good.
Dad (late 80's) has always been very active but since January, cancer has hit him very aggressively.
He was in hospital for 3 weeks recently as a result.
My brother was great with him, visiting every day after work & looking after him.
I visited seperately in the daytime but I would go to our parents house, collect Mum who uses a wheelchair & take her to the hospital in their car, spend time with Dad, then do the return journey. This took most of the day.
I did this for a week until I was shattered & needed a day off , I was just so tired. Mum travelled to the hospital with another relative.
I carried on for another 7 or 8 days until I needed another break, 2 days this time, again Mum had other ways of getting to the hospital & Dad, who is fully coherent understood himself.
One day after dropping Mum off at her home I was sitting with her when brother called on the phone, Mum always answers on speakerphone but I made a noise so he knew I was there still.
He started blaming our Mum for things that he felt had gone wrong with Dad's care at the hospital (nothing had gone wrong IMO), lots of Fing to our Mum who is in her 80's. Something he does regularly aparently.
I asked him not to speak to Mum like that & he just lost it, accused me of doing F all for Dad, not being there enough, taking the days off.
Not just shouting, but screaming & totally disrespectful towards our Mum.
I was furious, took the phone off Mum & told him that as far as I was concerned, I no longer had a brother, then ended the call with him still shouting.
We have not spoken since.
Now Dad is home, he has carers coming in & a good care package, he is comfortable but has weeks / months to live.
For years, my brother never visted our parents, he didn't step foot in their house for 7 or 8 years at least although he occasionally had them over to his. His focus instead was his new partner, who he is no longer with.
Now Dad is unwell, he is getting more involved & visting more, I am glad as Dad is fond of him, but my regular every Sunday visitation is not possible as he wants to visit.
We are like oil & water & need to stay apart & so I have switched days once but upon arrival have found him there unexpectedly. I have ended up leaving becuase he didn't go & so had a wasted visit. This is text book controlling from my brother & his sort of behaviour.
I suppose this post is a cry for help, Mum is caught in the middle, brother is not one to compromise on anything, ever and he is basically pushing me out.
On one occasion he was at our parents house with his children visiting Dad when I collected Mum to take her for a medical appointment, normally his children are huggy, happy to see me, with him there they were very muted, hardly spoke to me, infact one didn't at all & she normally would do so.
Such is the control he has over them.
Mum knows & acknowledges what he is like but she says she cannot turn him away. He is trying to dictate when I see my parents & even then, will try & torpedo things by turning up. This is his playbook behaviour & he knows I will stay away to avoid a confrontation. He'll get a kick from this.
Part of me could just walk away, I love my parents but I have suffered on & off with my mental health since I was a teenager. I have learned to remove toxicity from my life, toxic "friends", unhappy relationships etc.
My parents know I am here if they need me, my visits also included doing chores for them, housework, house cleaning etc & I make special trips to do larger yard jobs etc, but that's not a quality visit.
It's the quality chilling out visits that brother is controlling.
At the moment I am just leaving it for Mum to say when I can visit, but I am worried that if he continues this behaviour I will just crack.
The obvious advice is to try & sit down & talk it out but that is not possible with my brother, I know him well enough to know that is not an option.
I relly don't know what to do.