US expat managing aging parents

[AccidentallyHappy]

I've been living in the UK for almost 15 years, have a British husband and a 4-year-old daughter. My parents are back in the US and are getting older. My dad specifically has been having a lot of health problems over the past few years. Is anyone else in a similar situation? How do you manage it? I feel so guilty being so far away and unable to help on the day-to-day, but there is no way I am moving to the US as it currently is. Especially with a daughter...

Think I'm struggling more right now as I just returned from a 2-week visit that was great, but highlighted how bad it's gotten with my dad and how burnt-out my mom is getting being his caretaker (she's 11 years younger than him).

Do you have siblings? Are you in a position to offer to pay for a care service?

Sort of similar. I am in UK, my parents moved to Europe 30 years ago. They are now early 90s and still living independently, but obvs getting frail.
i have been doing monthly visits for a while now and trying to get more support in place.
it is shorter travel time for me and my kids have left home, however I do have a local language barrier when looking for support nearby.
i do worry about not being there if they needed me.

I have an older sister who lives closer to them with her husband, but she has a lot of her own health issues, so I worry about her taking too much on as well!

Unfortunately, I'm not able to pay for any care service, but I know my parents have funds for it. It's trying to convince my mom to take advantage of it, and convincing my dad it's necessary. He doesn't seem to grasp just how bad it's gotten (which may be due to some of the cognitive issues he's now got).

It's hard, isn't it! It's trying to know how much to push something and when to let it go, as well. Makes sense to be getting long-term plans in place. We've been having those conversations as well. Very difficult, but necessary.

I’m in a similar situation but in reverse. My Mum (85) is in UK, I’m an only child and I live overseas. She had a stroke 15 months ago and has dementia. She is fiercely independent and makes it very difficult for me to care for her. She pushes back on everything. I’m so done trying to help so I have done everything I can and stepped right off until the next crisis happens 🤷🏼‍♀️ it’s exhausting
💐

I don’t know what age your DPs are, but is it possible their issues seem worse to you as you are only able to visit infrequently so the contrast between the last one is starker ?

Honestly even if you were closer, old people can be remarkably stubborn am experiencing this with my DPs at the minute.They have a ridiculous amount of money that they could be using to ease their lives, but that means admitting they need the help. At the minute I am trying to only do the admin piece rather than work that could easily be done by a cleaner who is getting paid for it rather than living an hour away with a full time job of her own.

Sorry got carried away with myself. I guess what I am saying is don’t feel guilty and it wouldn’t necessarily be any easier if you lived closer. You could start small - finally have got mine to accept a cleaner 2 hrs a week because DM is bed bound- and encourage little adaptations. The other thing is, they are adults and unless they have lost their capacity they are allowed to make poor choices.