Navigating Interference From Others

[AsteroidEggs]

I will try and keep this fairly generic. My parent and I have a complex relationship due to how I was raised (addictions, narcissism, and emotionally immature parents) and they are now elderly. I am low contact generally (or was) but I am now helping/visiting more frequently since my other parent has died. I have siblings who are not nearby.

Other relatives, who I am sure are well meaning, and who have had relatively regular contact with my parent socially (not super regularly to a schedule, but multiple times a year for the last several at least), are interfering with my parent’s care/health conditions and expressing opinions to health professionals/making some situations more difficult because they don’t have the full picture (and why would they?). My parent tends to go along with whatever the person in front of them is saying, and this has always been the case, and it also means that what they tell people massively varies because they change what they say to suit the person they’re talking to. It makes it very difficult to judge what is real based on what my parent says. But I also feel constantly gaslit in a sense, because other people end up with an incorrect version from the parent and they believe that to be true and think what I’m saying is false.

This is further complicated by my general no contact with most of the extended family members for most of my life. In some cases it was deliberate but mostly it’s because we aren’t similar people/ages/life situations and that’s fine, no issue. However, all of them have an opinion, both about my parent and their health and their living situation, but also they are judging what they perceive to be my ‘not good enough’ involvement. They have said things directly such as what I ought to be doing because apparently my parent is ‘my responsibility’. The same has not been said to my siblings, who are male.

It doesn’t bother me so much what they think of me, but their gossiping about this amongst themselves has impact as other family members get pulled into it and then also have their say. I am then suddenly having to field contact from people who know nothing about me or my health/life/situation, who haven’t attempted to know anything about me (again, this isn’t an issue to adult me, but it’s very relevant to their suddenly imposing), and chose not to be there when I was younger and dealing with the treatment from my parent, preferring to turn away or act like things were perfect when they very clearly were not.

Some of their opinions have had direct impact where they are convincing my parent certain things are wrong when they are not, or worse than they are, or should be addressed in ways they cannot be due to limitations around their health. Because of my parent’s inability to self regulate, they are wound up and upset and convinced very quickly by whoever is in front of them, putting them in situations that could otherwise be avoided.

This is all creating drama and stress. And as has always been the case, again, it seems like the only person who doesn’t matter in any of this is me.

I’m not sure what I’m asking here beyond this: can anyone relate to this? Either the interference of other people, or the complexities of navigating elderly care with a parent you have a difficult history with? Any suggestions? I don’t want to have confrontations with other people but it seems like that’s the way this is going.

Many thanks.

Op you are very eloquent and I can totally understand your situation. Not many suggestions but what about your siblings here??

this person isn’t ‘your responsibility’ - whatever anyone says.

remember that you must look after yourself first and you do deserve to live your own life. You don’t have to do this dealing with this person and the extended family.

wishing you all the very best

You don't have to take on any of this.

I know that sounds trite.

I'm not sure that your relatives are "well meaning". They judge but they don't help. They don't ask you your opinion. But they're happy to throw you under the bus: 'your responsibility'.

Are you actually happy to be helping your parent in this way? Or are you so ground down by expectation and obligation that you feel there's no other option? Do you love your parent and do they love you?

It is stressful and you’re right to be concerned about all these people and their expectations. You can only hope that with your regular input that things will calm down and you can ignore much of what they say.
If they’re wrong and upsetting your parent then I would say so; you can speak up for yourself too - your needs are no less important. Try to reframe it and see them as companions - suggest useful tasks for then to do. Involve your brothers where it will help.
Long term consider what you want to happen; if theirs is too much for you now then what level of involvement do you want and would they be best to source care / residential care?

Your last question…ouch. Needed, definitely, but I still winced. I think I can only answer no, because my main automatic response to that was to wonder what love is meant to be in this context. And I do not think they love me, no, because to me, to love is to know someone and they do not know me. I am symbolic and I am utility to them. I am not me.

I think that the others have their identities wrapped up in what they wish they had as their own immediate family, and so they try and project this. They say they are all about loyalty and family and being there. But they also thrive on drama and chaos. They do things, on a small scale basis, and I can’t begin to unravel their motivations. I think they are multifaceted. Do they care? Yes, I think so. But that’s also wrapped up in how they want to be seen, and their judgments on others. Everyone in my family is very set and specific as to how they think people should live, and I have always been the black sheep.

My siblings do not live close, so they mostly limit their help to the times they choose to visit. I do not believe they should feel obligated to help. But I also would appreciate the same autonomy extended to me.

My advice would be to politely but firmly speak up.
People like that are used to ‘having their say’ but learn to wind their neck in when they get some pushback.

They are OK with being open and direct to you, which sets the tone. So, put them back in their place. Any chat about responsibilities should get met with- “I am shocked you see fit to lecture me about responsibilities, particularly given that as a child I had to live with her as an active alcoholic, and no one saw it as anything to do with them, including you.”
“Mothers physical and psychological health needs are complex enough without nosey sods making it worse pretending they know what they are talking about. Can I ask you not to engage with he on this because she says what she thinks the person in front of her wants to hear.” or
”I’m sure that you are trying to help, but the reality is you are making an already difficult situation worse. Can you please step back.”

… just to add, my own mother has her own complex health needs mixed with horrific social anxiety which plays out as anger and being hyper critical. She basically refuses to interact with healthcare. Therefore it could look like she is being neglected by her children.

The type of thing her sister says to us is “I know it is hard, but you have to meet people where they are, and cross each bridge as you come to it. You’re doing great, and I know what she can be like” This is what nice, decent people say.

Thank you, your comments are helpful. I will try these. Unfortunately, everyone in my family has me frozen in time at age 15 so I think it’s going to persist after this, but it’s a good place to start.

“Are you actually happy to be helping your parent in this way? Or are you so ground down by expectation and obligation that you feel there's no other option? Do you love your parent and do they love you?“

I also winced reading this, OP; you’re not alone.

@DoRayMeMeMe has an interesting take. I wonder if you are a thoughtful, amenable, sensitive person OP. I expect you are! In my experience this seems to give some people the green light to force their opinions on you without much consideration as to what you might be thinking, or how it might affect you. I definitely think you should shut their comments down now. Apart from ignoring them, the only way to actually stop their comments is to speak up or withdraw. If you speak up they will soon come to realise you are not 15 (but they may not like it).

I really feel for you. I was (am) very close to my DF (RIP) and my DM. Mums sisters didn't come near when my DF passed or 5 years before. When my DM was diagnosed with dementia, they tried to come back on the scene. They were cruel to her and letting themselves in and going through her house. I went away for 4 days and hired private carers but had to come back after 2 due to the stress they were causing. They accused me of mistreating her and abandoning her despite me reducing my work hrs and doing shifrs with my DD to look after her. Eventually got her into a wonderful care home but they still didn’t stop and would turn up/phone causing trouble. They also posted on social media that I had basically mistreated DM. I had to get a lawyer involved as care home and I had enough. Sorry for rant but long story short, don’t give them any heed or oxygen, these people love to tell you how bad you are but never offer help or support. Sending love x

Slightly different set up to you @AsteroidEggs but have been living this hell for about 6 months now. The truth is pushing back didn't work. It only escalated things. We are not even in a truce situation.

I don't have any advice except for do what is right for you and your family, because at the end of the day no one cares about them or you as much you do. If you let them, you will end being drawn into their drama triangle, and you will lose yourself. This is not your circus. These are not your monkeys. Whatever is going on is theirs to own, and theirs alone. Don't lose sight of yourself in this. Easier said than done, and it is exhausting keeping boundaries in place. But keep going. It does eventually subside.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for sharing, and for the kind words x

This is really helpful advice. I feel better today because I put my foot down, and actually, so did my mother, which I think helped a great deal. Perhaps we’ve managed to nip it in the bud. Fingers crossed! I’m sorry you’re finding it difficult. It’s incredible how many people are in these situations and yet it’s rarely spoken about.

When my Dad was terminally ill, he asked me to deal with his Dr, palliative care nurse etc - I'm a trained carer and was sadly very used to end of life care. Dad signed forms for the GP/Nursing team etc so that I was the named contact. Which sent my sister (who hasn't got an ounce of common sense) into a tailspin and she caused absolute havoc trying to undermine everything that Dad had asked for saying it wasn't Dad's decisions, it was mine etc. She even got social services involved. In the end, Dad had to go into a hospice as she was preventing the carers and nurses from administering pain relief.... I've not spoken to her since.

Have you got power of attorney for both finances and healthcare? That puts paid to getting anyone else involved for once and for all if there's time. Sadly I didn't with Dad, he died within 5 months of diagnosis.