Financial power of attorney in practice

[tobee]

Just wondering/slight venting...

Has anyone had difficulty with a financial power of attorney they have with a parent like this?:-

Just spoke to my mum having come home from me being away. (My older sister and I have financial power of attorney for my parents.) Towards the end of the call my mum said my sister asked how much my mum is paying a gardener because we both worry they might get ripped off by various people and services etc. in fact the gardener's rate seems good and my sister said so.

But when my mum told me she said something about my sister wanting her money and it's her (my mother's money). I said something like I was sure this wasn't the case etc. But I was a bit shocked she'd say that about my sister. My parents have never been like that with us before. They've always been generous and we've never expected anything from our parents financially as we would rather they spent money on having a good time when they were younger and money spent on care and assistance etc now. My sister and I both know any money they have could all go on care for them and that's that.

What I'm asking is has anyone else experience of elderly parents accusing the holders of powers of attorney of using money inappropriately or wanting it or whatever? I just feel concerned that our relationship with our parents could become strained and tainted by this. Any tips as to how to navigate this possibility?

I'm not sure if my mum heard my response as she doesn't always hear well and she might well forget she even said it. ☹️

Is your mum generally intact cognitively?

Hmm, sort of. She is pretty good mostly but has forgotten a few times in the last year that my sister had a hip replacement in the last decade. But not much other than that.

I know she thinks her niece (her sister's daughter) uses my aunt's money for things without asking. But that's my aunt and so it's all a bit third hand.

I'm trying to wrack my brains if there's been any indication of this before. My sister's much more bossy and forthright than I am but she would have asked about the gardener out of genuine concern. I would have thought my mum would be wary of my sister being a bit interfering rather than wanting her money.

Ugh it's all such an unpleasant feeling.

Thinking back I think my mum has complained to me that my sister is bossing her around about how to spend her money as in just being bossy and interfering and my mum thinks she's capable to make her own decisions.

But not saying it's because my sister wants my mum's money.

A different idea.

My mum verbally attacked me very uncharacteristically viciously one time about money and it blindsided me. I’d just thanked her for offering to pay for some flight tickets for us, but which we didn’t need her to do. She had forgotten she’d offered, via my sister, and thought we were scheming about getting her money. It was awful but it seems it was related to her vascular dementia. Sometimes they can just get the wrong end of the stick and ruminate on it and it becomes a much bigger deal.

Yes, it is very unpleasant, OP.
It's hard to know what's going on. Accusations of theft are the most common delusion in people who have dementia, but it's usually because they forgot where they put something. This is more to do with suspiciousness.

I would try to keep a close eye on mum's functioning and interactions. When was her last medical check-up? If this kind of thing happens again, you might try to get her in to the surgery on some pretext (blood pressure check, wellness visit) and alert the GP in advance to do a basic mental status inventory. Then you'll have a better idea of where you are.

Do you have formal permission to speak to the surgery on her behalf?

I think it's very common. However it is difficult. Can you imagine putting that much trust in others, Have you got a PoA with someone or do you prefer your autonomy? If your mum mixes with others, the rumour nill is rife which might be a factor

Thanks for these answers.

We have medical power of attorney for my dad but not my mum currently.

Only in the last few weeks have I twice taken my mum to her GP. I asked her if she wanted me to wait in the waiting room but she said "no secrets, come in with me!' which is very typical of my mum.

I need to think about the best way to see if the doctor could check her over for non physical assessment. She would be almost impossible to pull the wool over her eyes if I tried to get the GP to assess her stealthily as it were.

A couple of times she's said she's not as sharp as she used to be so, if she says similar again, I could suggest she might want to look into getting checked out or something. I've always said she's pretty much on the ball. She's 88 and totally up with the news etc.

Definitely one to mull over. It's one thing having my mum say "it's my money, I can do what I like, sister is bossy" and I reply "you can do what you want with your money. But sister means well" to mum saying "sister wants my money"

Yes I agree with this. It only seems like yesterday my mum was dealing with power of attorney with her sister for an elderly aunt and there were tricky things there. But that was, in reality, more like 30 years ago.

Sadly, most of my mum's friends are dead and she's not really a "rumour mill" type. Although her sister my aunt is and my mum probably listens to her! Another bossy older sister 😁

It's really common. My mum was too ill too suddenly for this to be an issue, but it's been a problem with my FIL, who has now died, and to some extent my dp's dad. I don't really have any helpful advice! Just that it really is common. I would keep good records and keep talking to your sister but not necessarily discuss everything with your Mum - outlines only. My FIL was pretty good cognitively but not quite as sharp as he had been, plus had very poor hearing. Several times he didn't quite get something I'd said about money (i really just wanted to offer help as paying for MIL's care was an unending fortune) and he interpreted it as me trying to get something from him. For my FIL I wasn't the main person responsible which helped though.

Accusations of all sorts from your loved ones are very common. It's really upsetting but very unlikely to be true.

Have you asked your sister? The best thing is to write things down so you can show your Mum written proof of whatever she is accusing your sister of.

For example if your sister used some money to get your Mum's shopping.

I used to separate my shopping into two lots and so I had a receipt to show MIL with just her stuff on it.

I used to get my own at the same time on a separate receipt. I used the POA credit card for hers and my own for mine. Such fun!