What help can DM get

[kissmyfatass]

My DF is house bound and pretty much immobile. He needs help doing anything. My DM is at the end of her tether and exhausted.

She can’t leave the house because he falls I can be there any more than I am because I work full time and have DCs. They live in a council property in south wales
is he entitled to any help or care. I think he needs to go to a home. He’s 79 and receiving end of life care

Have they had any care assessment from either social services or hospice at home? They can both provide support for both your parents.

Check their local council website for adult social care contacts.

Speak to Age UK. They will give sound advice.

They’ve had nothing. My DM thinks she has to do it all but she’s at breaking point.

Your poor mum. Being a carer is exhausting. Contact social services via council details. If no answer go via the GP. What end of life care is he receiving or is it just that he has a DNAR? Is she getting attendance allowance?

Your dad needs an assessment through adult social services but before that they can put some emergency care in - call the duty social worker at adult social services

also get you mum a carers assessment separately - through the same channels I believe

and let their GP know your mum is caring

contact the local carers centre

The GP knows because she gets called out quite often. OH are there leaving things to help but he won’t have the equipment in the house because he prefers my DM to lift him when he falls. They have palliative care nurses he’s late stages of chronic COPD as well as other things
DNR in place.

@kissmyfatass I think you need to be very blunt with DF and tell him that your mum could be seriously injured trying to lift him alone without equipment, and then they could both end up in homes.

If he is terminal (sorry) he could be eligible for Continuing Health Care to fund any support. You need to request a social care assessment from your local authority for him and if funding question arises later ask about CHC.

My experience is that GP knows very little about what's available, every party involved at end of life thinks the other party has all the answers.

I'm not in Wales, but these may help

• Adult social care - they might know about the stuff on this page but do have a read yourself too - CHC links in this page as well

https://www.nhs.uk/social-care-and-support/care-services-equipment-and-care-homes/care-and-support-you-can-get-for-free/

• Age concern

• Local church - both the ones in my previous and current areas coordinate some help for elderly and at least have info about what's available

Best wishes to you all 💐

Thank you all. I need to get DM on board with this. Her only respite is when I go over so are can go to her own appointments and I’d love to take her out somewhere nice but DF can’t be left and I’m the only one who can go there

If you contact Age UK and get all the facts in place then you can broach it with your Mum with something concrete to suggest.

I'm horrified that he won't accept equipment to assist with his falls because he prefers your poor DM to help him. That is just outrageous - he would rather his wife risk serious injury than use the equipment provided. He needs simply to be told that his wife will not be lifting him any more. And if he can't or won't access that then he'll need to go into a home.

Sorry, but that has really angered me.

The equipment was massive and they don’t have the room for it. DM was helping him up because it was quicker. The stuff wasn’t any use if he fell it was just to help him off the sofa into his wheelchair.

It sounds like you have been In contact with services if they have declined equipment - maybe they need an update

Put in a claim for your DF

It is not means tested

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

@kissmyfatass i really feel
for you and your Mum.

As a pp has said claim attendance allowance.

I would suggest using the money to pay for Home Instead https://www.homeinstead.co.uk

The can come and sit with your Dad to let your Mum go out. They can provide personal care or house cleaning. Start off with 1-2 hours and build up as necessary.

Quite rightly I don’t know your financial position and I don’t need to know. However, if there are savings using them to fund either Home Instead or respite care can help both your Mum and Dad.

Use the argument they can’t take £ with them when they die so what are they saving it for when it could make a difference now.

Sounds awful for everyone concerned

wd had good experiences with home instead (as above) then when live in care was required from country cousins.

all the best

Can you speak to 111 in your area explain the situation and ask if they would assist. Elderly friends of ours have had several falls that they are unable to get up from. They call 111 and in our area volunteer paramedics come round quite quickly with a pump up lifting cushion which works amazingly well to get them on their feet (18 stone plus and one of them only able to walk with a frame). If 111 says this is something they can help with all you have to do is persuade you mum to call them! Point out that if she injures herself or drops your father things would be considerable worse

Ring your local authority and request and urgent social work assessment. Your mum doesn't have to pick him off the floor and she is fully entitled to leave him in the house to go out. She needs to be clear and tell the social worker this. Hospices also often have sitting services for end of life care.

We are going through this at the moment with DFIL, who has been in and out of hospital and lives alone. We have had many elements of support from many agencies, some better than others, designed to keep him at home. DFIL is nearly 90 and has all the elderly man's problems, poor mobility and some serious health concerns. Simply working with the various agencies and coordinating all the care, which is often delivered somewhat haphazardly and can be frustrating, is almost a full-time job in itself. Don't underestimate the impact of this, as you'll also want to make your own loving visits to your parents as well as fitting in your own life.

You should definitely get a Social Services assessment because that will help everyone involved recognise the full impact on your DF, DM and yourself. Hopefully things will flow from this. There are so many paths to navigate and new things to learn plus dealing with the emotional turmoil. My DFIL does not welcome the intrusion into his life from strangers or the focus on his age and health/death so is uncooperative and unpleasant. But it feels the right thing to do however difficult, and in your case right to support your mum.

A named social worker can also help. Also mumsnet advice on this topic is invaluable and you dont feel quite so alone! Good luck x

Thank you all so much.

Financial help - he should be on highest rate Attendance Allowance, it will be fast tracked for EOL.

Your mother should not be lifting him. It puts her at high risk of serious injury.

Here's Age Concern's info on EOL. https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/relationships-family/end-of-life-issues/

It also has a link to Asthma UK's site. They should be able to help regarding the COPD aspect. https://www.asthmaandlung.org.uk/helpline

If you are worried about funding, speak to these people who can help you with regard to CHC eligibility. https://beaconchc.co.uk/how-we-can-help/free-information-and-advice-on-nhs-continuing-healthcare/

Don't forget yourself in this. Look after yourself.

Palliative care nurse has been and says she thinks he’s looking at 3 months. They want a hospital bed in and are arranging carers now so it’s out of DMs hands