What to do?

[Sparsely]

My Mother (92, probably undiagnosed dementia, probably ND but undiagnosed, poor hearing and sight) and my Father (90 doubly incontinent, glaucoma, diagnosed with dementia) lived together until earlier this year. My Mother wasn't coping looking after my father (failing to give his medicine as she thought he should sort this out for herself, sometimes ignoring him, not keeping him clean, sometimes verbally abusing him out of" tough love") but wouldn't allow carers and led me a merry dance as I tried to organise them. Dad had a series of falls following by 6 weeks in hospital and discharge to a nursing home.

My Dad had an incident in the home where he couldn't walk any more. He went to hospital, x-rayed and discharged with antibiotics. Problems continued with his walking but he was trying. My Mother went to visit him and tried to get him to walk (despite care home saying she mustn't without help). They both fell and now has officially fractured his hip. (She also hit one of the care workers and had a complete tantrum during the incident. I was called by the care home to take her home. But she refused.)

He's had a hip replacement a bit over a week ago. I took him to A&E then my Mother sat waiting for him (she wouldn't let me come with her) and then she visited him for a short time on Tuesday. But now she has taken umbrage. He wasn't "responsive" enough to her or something.

She invited us round for tea on Easter Monday. I said we could visit Dad then have tea but she refused. She said she only cares to see him at her home now. She says that he's not "trying" hard enough and that he was mine now. (All my doing he went to a nursing home, even though she agreed to it). That she regards him as dead already or maybe that he is her "ex" (quite happy to hold onto his house and his money, though, of course!)

They were married for 60 years. He stuck her through her own mental health crises in the 1970s and provided for her during the marriage. It wasn't a perfect marriage but it seemed to work. It didn't seem abusive, but it certainly does now.

Any ideas what I should do now? She's appears to have lost the plot but it's not really not having capacity, is it? I find it difficult to spend time with her as I don't know who this heartless shell is that has replaced my lovely Mum.

Don’t force her to visit, it’s probably better for both of them.
It’s a sad way to have ended up, but you continue to visit your dad & mum (if you wish to continue seeing her) separately.
So sorry, it must be very upsetting for you to think of them ending their days apart, but if there is dementia on both sides then they, and their marriage, aren’t as they were and if it’s upsetting and unsettling to force them together then, sadly, it’s better not to

I wouldn't be so fast to assume she does have capacity. The incident in the home shows she didn't have a grasp on the situation at all and her decision making process does seem impaired.

Would she be amenable to a GP visit with a view to finding out what's going on? It does sound like she's in need of care herself and this would be your first step.

As PP said, don't force her to visit. Your father needs to recover from his operation.

Don't forget to look after yourself in all this, it's very easy to lose sight of your own wellbeing when dealing with this. You need to be well to cope with the next few months, as it will almost certainly get worse, before it gets better I'm afraid. Apologies for being the voice of doom.

She sounds like she has lost the ability to make good choices- trying to get your dad up and then falling is a perfect example of making stupid decisions. MIL who has vascular dementia was also like this with FIL, criticising him and wanting to leave him. I would get her checked out. We were concentrating on FIL who was diagnosed with dementia and MIL was much worse. She's now under DOLS in a care home.

We have a similar story... mum was moved into care last year, advanced dementia. Dad was still at home, but last week he fell, fractured his hip and is now in the grips of delirium. The advice from mums home is not to even bother trying to get her to understand. Prior to all this dad was in hospital in 2022 and mum decided he 'should' be dead at that point.
So, in your situation, try and get an up to date assessment for your mum so you at least have some idea where her capacity is at the moment. Don't force her to visit etc just let her do what she wants in that regard.

@Lightuptheroom sorry to hear about your Dad. If it's any consolation my Dad had delirium when he was in hospital the 1st time. After 4 weeks in the care home he started to come out of it, so it's not a one way street.

@unsync @I8toys Thank you for your wise words. I will try to get her to the doctor. It was my plan as soon as Dad was settled in the home but then this happened. Unfortunately, she doesn't really trust them. They have despaired with her belief that she should tell the doctors how to treat things. I can't imagine her agreeing to go into a care home.

I do find myself thinking very badly of her of being so steely hearted, which is a bit ironic considering she is ill too and I am finding compassion hard to come by too.

@Sparsely Don't beat yourself up about how you feel about it all. It's a very overwhelming situation to be in, there's very little support and it's very hard to find the information needed to make progress.

Being able to see the irony and a bit of black humour is one of the things that will help you get through this. Hang in there, you're doing really well, even if it doesn't always feel that way.