How can I help my mum?

[HettyMeg]

My mum (70) and I have a close relationship but over time I've realised that I was used as an emotional support cushion when I was younger and she was going through an awful breakup with my dad. Since becoming a parent myself I've realised my mum struggles to support me properly because she has a lot of unresolved issues herself including lack of self esteem, loneliness (but not wanting to join clubs etc), unfit (but won't go to gym etc) and I think she is depressed or possibly even some sort of personality disorder as her behaviour can be manipulative. She also drinks heavily to feel better while maintaining job & keeping up appearances. She has just had a car setback and has made a comment along the lines of "everything is going wrong". I'm trying to approach with sympathy while understanding what is going wrong other than an ongoing bad back. She ended up saying she is down about growing older, thinks she needs antidepressants but doesn't want to do therapy. But I don't think she helps herself in terms of the lifestyle she leads - she does a lot of work and volunteering which does bring enjoyment but also stress with it. She doesn't see us enough because she prioritises those things. She has no other hobbies. Anyway I've just had a long chat with DH and realised I have been having this conversation with my mum in some way every few years since I was a teenager. So, 20 years. How can I realistically help someone who won't help herself?

Well you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. She’s been the same since her early 50s then nothing you can say or do will fix it. So stop trying. Your role is to nod and make sympathetic noises now and then, she doesn’t want to fix things, so your instinct to try to find a way to help is misplaced.

If she's up for ADs, I would encourage a GP visit, but she needs to be honest about alcohol intake. Otherwise, it's just about making sympathetic noises. You've tried, at some point she needs to take responsibility and make an effort ... or not. You can't force her.

You can't fix her and you can't change her. She's an adult who chooses to live this way.
You can support and suggest useful things, but sometimes it feels like banging your head against a brick wall.

The lightbulb for me was when I read on a thread “ you are not responsible for your mothers happiness”

You can say 'really good idea' if she suggests something like seeing her GP or cutting down drinking, and you can chat to her to distract her from stress etc. You can keep up hugs etc if you do that (maybe try starting that if you don't? Friendly touch for someone who is alone gets increasingly important).

Most of all, you can not get drawn into trying to fix things. Have you had some therapy? Worth considering now.

I understand this point of view but I'm also her only child and increasingly her only family at all as she doesn't really see anyone else. So if I stop trying to help her, I can only see her declining.

Thanks, I don't see her being honest about the drinking.

You can suggest a few things but if she isn’t willing their is nothing you can do.

I have had some in the past - most recently last year for my own anxiety but it also helped me to understand where it stems from and the relationship with my mum a bit better. Think I need to book in again as can feel myself being drawn in - It's a cycle that repeats every few years. She has a meltdown, admits she is depressed/stressed/struggling, I say I think she needs to make changes, she says she will, then nothing happens & life takes over, she resorts to routine/burying head in sand/keeping busy until it flares up again, I get frustrated/resentful she hasn't made changes/doesn't listen. Meanwhile she also doesn't confide in anyone else about how she really feels (not her sister or her friends) and it's this big secret that's on me.

You can contact her GP and express your concerns about depression and drinking etc. They won't be able to discuss anything with you but they should listen and would then have a more accurate picture if and when she does have an appointment.

I get this, and no-one is saying abandon her. But have all your efforts over the decades changed her? Keep in touch, support her with practical things if/when she needs and will accept it, love her and be her daughter, but take a mental step back and honestly assess who she is and what that means.

Thanks, how does this work? Do I ask for a phone appointment with them essentially? I live hours away.

I'd ring and speak to the receptionist (may take a while of course - do it when you can sit and wait for an hour). Ask what you should do. It will probably be a phone appointment but they may ask you to email. Don't forget to include the dare of birth.

I may sound harsh but I've been exactly where you are. Of course you love her, but you can't fix her. She's not you. She doesn't love herself or want to proactively at least try to get support to fix what is wrong in her life. Maybe her default setting is "victim" as she has never learnt to be resilient? I have a family member exactly as how you describe your DM (and her DM was the same "woe is me" so it's in part learned behaviour being a passenger in her life and numbing with alcohol). It's so tough when any support or suggestions are met with denial, excuses or burying of head in the sand. Friends and family get rebuffed (unless she calls at the next crisis) and you wait for the inevitable decline as she won't seek ways to help herself.
Could you ask her GP to invite her in for a well woman check - or would she lie about her drinking and depression?

Thank you, I do find it very frustrating. I think the victim mentality is absolutely accurate. She is extremely low in self esteem and anything perceived as even a slight criticism is taken very badly. Nothing can even be said jokingly either as she gets offended.