How to get parent to accept the need for a carer?

[PacificState]

My lovely dad (86, early Alzheimer’s) lives at home but is increasingly dependent on his friend/sort-of partner (80, lives down the road) for most things: shopping, sorting prescriptions, attending appointments, fixing stuff around the house, keeping to arrangements etc. I live a few miles away and am happy to help out more as well. But am beginning to think we need to get him to accept some level of home care now before things deteriorate (he’s gone noticeably downhill over the past year). His poor friend/sort-of partner is being run ragged, and (as she tells me, quite reasonably) ‘this isn’t what I signed up for’ (my dad had all his marbles when they met a few years ago). He’s mostly safe, I think, but has started doing things like leaving the gas hob lit for hours. I’m not convinced he can do any cooking other than making sandwiches and heating up soup, so he relies on his friend for a lot of that.

the problem is that my dad is a HUGE personality, incredibly stubborn and almost impossible to argue with. Independence is his reason for living, pretty much. I have a very good relationship with him, but I cannot fathom how we will get him to accept a carer - he just thinks it’s a ridiculous idea and that he doesn’t need one.

added to that (as others with experience of Alzheimer’s will know) even if you construct the perfect argument, he’ll have forgotten the entire conversation within an hour.

does anyone have any experience of this? I’m worried that if I just override him and insist (I have POA) I’ll cause a major fracture in my relationship with him, which would make us both totally miserable.

This would be private care - he won’t qualify for any council help.

thanks

I have several friends whose parents don't 'need' carers. Basically because it's usually their DC who are run ragged caring for them.
The only way to prevent this is to step back.

This is terribly unfair on the friend, and on you.

Things are going to get worse.

The best thing to do is for both of you to step right back and be unavailable.

And I second the need for you to get an assessment.

And to apply for Attendance Allowance.

I think things are worse than you imagine, if your dad is leaving the gas on. That is very dangerous.

Families always underestimate how bad someone's dementia is getting.

Remember that forward thinking and memory both use the same neural pathways so people with memory problemslike alzheimer's also have trouble envisaging the future which affects making decisions and coping with change. He's not being awkward, he can't do it. Finding that out helped me understand why some things are difficult with mum but unfortunately it doesn't help me find solutions.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne
You're absolutely right, family do underestimate what is happening, I certainly did in the first year or so. I didn't want to admit the disaster unfolding. And if it's your first time dealing closely with dementia you tend to minimise the bits which go (very) wrong, because of all the things they can still do. Or at least, the things they tell you they can still do.

My mother told me she was eating Wiltshire Farm ready meals but actually she wasn't. She lost the sequencing ability of 'light oven, put meal in, wait x minutes, take meal out, eat meal'.

Unfortunately with dementia things are always worse than you think.

"Unfortunately with dementia things are always worse than you think."

This is very true. My mother has become entirely unreliable in what she says. She very rarely admits to forgetting things but fills in the gap with something unrelated/made up. Sometimes this is obvious as it is fairly bonkers but other times can sound plausible.

Maybe just introduce things like cleaner, etc without discussion & also get him a social services assessment and he maybe more open to suggestions from them.

We're now at the point with DM where we have the conversation once then we implement what needs to happen. We also involve GP as she will agree with them but not us (as others have said).
You also have to think of safety first.
My Nan had carers in 3 times a day but she started leaving the gas on and taps running, she flooded the bathroom. The last carer of the day would prepare her supper and leave it out for her next to her chair with her meds and it would still be sitting there next morning. She then started leaving the house at night and wondering around in her dressing gown so we had to move her into a home for her own safety.
As others have said, it doesn't get easier.

Thanks very much all. Urgh, so much admin - but I’ll get on it with the assessments. My dad and I live in different council areas - do I need to go to my council for my assessment?

That’s really useful about him not being able to change direction - makes it a bit less irksome. And it’s worth trying re the GP.

Gawd. Dad accepts the existence of notes, but he tends not to actually read them

Definitely do something about the gas problem as soon as possible. Is he in a flat, terraced house or semi? A gas explosion could take out not only his own home but those of neighbours too - there’s been one recently in the news that killed one person and destroyed several homes. Can you disable the hob/oven? Does he have another means of cooking?

Worth bearing in mind that, even if he does react badly to getting carers in etc, he won’t remember that reaction. In the moment will be awful but that will pass.

What a pain. That must have been difficult. To be fair, my dad isn’t like this at all. He’s very happy for me to take all financial decisions, and increasingly all health decisions. He just won’t accept an argument he doesn’t like, from anyone! I enlisted my sons to try to persuade him he needed a dog walker - it ended up with five of us (me, Dorothy, my male DP and two adult sons) all failing to get him to change his mind. My dad was delighted to be arguing against so many people, it’s his happy place 🙄

I feel like I’ve been remiss on this one. He has the kind of gas hob where the gas won’t come out unless it’s lit, so it’s not that he’s leaving the gas on unlit - it’s that he’s leaving a gas ring roaring away so that the hob gets red hot (which is obviously a problem in itself). I’ve only seen him do this once, but that probably means it’s happened plenty of other times. He has a microwave but he has no idea how to use it. I feel like help with meals will be a major thing that he needs (and will let his partner off the hook a lot)

at the moment I’m not run ragged (mostly because Dorothy is doing far too much!). But also - at the moment, I do want to do everything I can. My dad nursed my mother and my brother (after my mother died) through their terminal illnesses, and would do absolutely anything for me or my kids (or indeed my partner or Dorothy), so I do really want to do everything I can to make this crappy illness/car crash as familiar, safe and comforting as it can be. He deserves as much care from family (not Dorothy - that’s for her to decide) as we can give him without driving ourselves bonkers. (I say this now. I know I don’t yet know how bad it can get.)

Yeah, I’m pretty sure dad can’t follow cooking instructions any more. When he stays with us he eats like a horse because we put lots of nice, nutritious things (and treats) in front of him, then he eats the odd sandwich and chocolate bar at home and says he’s ’not hungry’ - because heating up a ready meal is beyond him.

Watch out with the gas then, it might not be that unlit gas is the problem with that type of stove but if something catches light from the lit ring - something left on the side nearby, Post-it note falling from a cupboard door, his sleeve etc and you’ve got a house fire started.

Ive also seen what happens when someone gets to the point of forgetting how an electric kettle works and puts it on the hob to heat up instead!

In some areas the local fire brigade will come and do a home safety check for elderly people. It’s a way of getting someone “official” to tell them their electric blanket is lethal or can make sure exits are clear to use in an emergency.

Yikes re the kettle!

Honestly I think a little bit of gaslighting wouldn't go amiss here - when the carer arrives and he objects, you tell him that 'We had this conversation the other day, remember? And you agreed that it was a good idea."

I know there are people who will think this is cruel but it's the only way I could get my parents to agree to anything they didn't want but that was necessary for their own good/safety (such as removing the gas hob for the same reasons mentioned above) and to enable me to get things done. I still have to do it regularly with my mother, who refuses to accept her dementia diagnosis, and so will never admit to forgetting anything if you put it that way.

As others have said, a good carer will know how to engage him and in no time he'll forget his objections anyway.

Agree with having the discussion once and doing it anyway. Agree also with just calling the agency and getting then to assess.

Tbh if Dorothy has reached the point of telling you it's too much, things are extreme.

As for your Dad nursing two people - that is absolutely fantastic. But that wasn't dementia. In any case, arranging good professional care to maintain his independence at home is a caring thing to do.

I also wonder about a fire safety review/getting the gas turned off as a matter of urgency.

Home Instead do everything from companionship to cleaning.

This is how I got my Mum to accept help we started with 2 hours a week. 1 hour cleaning and 1 hour chat.

I second the approach of introducing someone as a ‘home help, just to help with a bit of cleaning’. Brief the carer that your DF is reluctant to accept help/ carers and let them build a relationship with him and take it from there.

Think about what you would ideally like the carer to do (shopping, meal prep, accompanying out,…) and let them know so they can build towards that over time.

Try Curam for an independent carer who might be more flexible than agencies or Home Instead is good.

So sorry you and your DF are going through this.

Can you persuade the friend to take a holiday for at least a week? Even a ‘pretend’ one. )The doctor has of course told her she really needs a change and a rest.)
Could be a good way to introduce ‘temporary’ helpers? I agree with not using the ‘C’ word BTW.

Another ploy I’ve seen recommended is to introduce the ‘helper’ as someone who really needs a little job, so he’d be doing her a favour.

Apply for attendance allowance

It is not means tested

In my experience people are not generally willing to change until a disaster occurs

Then they allow some changes

I second this. A pp has said similar too when they've referred to a crisis.

Best of luck OP. It's really hard.