Not sure what to do

[Noteatinglunch]

My mum has dementia and can't cook for herself.

I don't live nearby but as far as I knew, everything was sorted because my sister was cooking her dinner and making her lunch for the next day.

I've just found out that my mum isn't eating her lunch. That means that she's not eating from 7am - 6pm.

I'm not sure what to do. I've tried calling at lunchtime to prompt her to eat but she's not picking up. She's either out walking or she can't hear the phone because she's not wearing her hearing aids.

I suggested organising a carer to prompt her to eat but my sisters don't want carers and say that she's fine because she eats twice a day.

I could order lunch to be delivered but my mum goes out walking and may not be there.

Any ideas?

Where does she go walking if she has dementia?

She walks to the local park.

That means that she's not eating from 7am - 6pm.

So she has her breakfast before 7am and her dinner after 6pm is that what you're saying? Because that's unusual. Who gives her those meals?

But the only way to get her to eat lunch is for someone to be there to physically give it to her like a carer as you suggested. What your sisters want is irrelevant it's your mums needs that have to be met.

Is this wise ?

My DM was a wanderer, scared us to bits as she would disappear for hours and was brought back by complete strangers on at least 2 occasions.

May I suggest you arrange for an assessment by local social services for the wandering off and the meals aspect. Even if your Dsis thinks things are OK now, sadly the situation will worsen and it's worth getting support in place sooner rather than later. For example carers to make sure she has breakfast & lunch, day centres etc. Local groups such as Aged UK, Alzheimer's society can be invaluable for local knowledge and active support with activity groups. My DM loved the local singing group.

@DPotter I didn't say that my mum was wandering off. I said she goes for walks. She knows how to get to the park and how to get home. She walks for an hour a day for exercise.

My mum makes her own breakfast and, as explained, my sister makes her dinner when she gets home from work.

I don't have POA.

Time to get POA if you haven’t got one in place yet. Needs to have capacity to sign it. Health one only kicks in when capacity has gone. Can be more flexible with financial one depending on how it is set up

POA has already been done, my sisters have it.

This. It's a long time to go between meals. You're right OP, if no one's available to give her lunch, this calls for carer visits if at all possible.

Any ideas how I organise that?

It sounds like you live away and are interfering/criticising in what the sister who is doing the bulk of the work for your mum is saying. How did you find out she isn't eating lunch?

It's very common for older people to have reduced appetites. Perhaps she just doesn't want to eat lunch?

If she's out for a walk over lunch, is happy with that and eating a good breakfast and a good evening meal then perhaps its not as big a deal as you are worrying about?

If you feel she is safe to walk to the park for an hour then surely she has the capacity to decide if she wants to eat lunch or not.

I would be more concerned about her walking alone to the park if her dementia is bad enough to forget to eat, rather than just choosing not to eat lunch.

I'm not criticising anyone, nor have I criticised anyone. I'm asking how to manage the situation.

Dementia and how it effects people is individual. There's no blanket rule for how dementia effects someone.

My mum is independent in that she knows her way around, washes her clothes, cleans the house, showers etc

She can't use money, shop or prepare food. I didn't ask about her daily walks.

No point having lunchtime carers calling if she might be out.

Both my parents had dementia, and the pickles they got themselves into make not eating lunch pale into insignificance. She’ll not starve if your sister is going in every day to give her dinner (Every day!!! After work!!! Don’t piss her off, she’s a star).

I'm not trying to piss her off. I'm worried that my mum isn't eating for a long time between meals and am asking for ideas on how to resolve it.

You don't, because you don't have poa

That's helpful, many thanks.

That's what my DM said as well. She was going for a walk. She loved walking.

And then there came the time she couldn't find her way back and couldn't remember her address. She was missing for at least 6 hours and got brought home by a very kind man who had found her in distress about 3 miles from home - way off her usual route. He persuaded her into his car and drove her around until she recognised the road, and then he knocked on doors. We were lucky - the weather was dry and the chap was a very kind man.

My Dad also minimised. Was happy to leave her alone at home, long after she couldn't remember where she lived. We tried putting trackers in coats, handbags etc. But DM had a knack of finding them and taking them out.

I'm not saying this to scare you. I'm saying this so you realise that dementia is an ever changing situation and seemingly one day they can remember the route home and the next they can't.

Many thanks everyone, I'm sure I can work something out.

As a diff perspective...
while i can see why you are surprised / unhappy but I dont think this is that unusual for old people...
My mum and most of my aunts and uncles aged 70-90s eat twice a day most days... old people need less cals 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also I'd be careful your sisters are prob ultra sensitive as very are dealing with it day in day out.
Unfortunately your voice has less weight as you aren't giving the care ...

Best bet is to get your sisters to agree she needs to eat around lunch time.
Could you make sure she has some snacks in ... biscuits, cakes, nuts, fruit?
Otherwise I'm not sure if you can make arrangements as you say she may not be in when they come.
Try talking to somebody at Age UK, they will have some suggestions I bet.
Good luck and try not to worry, as long as she's not losing weight too much.

It is ultimately the case though.

You don't live nearby, you don't have LPOA.

Your sister(s) do live nearby (or even with your mum - it's not clear) and do have LPOA so this is their responsibility.

There isn't really anything you can do without pissing them off or interfering from afar. You can't arrange carers as you don't have the authority to do so. You aren't there to physically cook a meal for her yourself and for all you know she wouldnt even eat it if you did. There's obviously all sorts of meal deliveries and sandwich options but if she won't eat them it's pointless organising them. I'm sure your sisters will have tried them already... so at this point why do you think anything you do will be perceived as anything other than criticism by them? Even if that's not what you are intending?

That is perfectly normal, I don’t expect the elderly to eat 3 meals a day. I have only breakfast and dinner. If she is not losing weight I would let it go. Like me, she has probably lost her appetite. I find a cup of tea and a biscuit fill me up until dinner

The short version is if you’re concerned she’s hungry then get yourself there and check. We’re the local ones doing all the heavy lifting, and the whole peanut gallery has an opinion of how they would (but never do) everything.