Not the golden child - scapegoats gather here

[FiniteSagacity]

Not the golden child? Feel blamed and shamed and rejected by needy self-centred elderly parents? Keep going back for more like a masochist at the expense of your own sanity?

I was trying to learn all I can about how the brain works in terms of supporting elderlies with cognitive impairment. But - trigger warning - I ended up down this rabbit hole of intergenerational trauma https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com.

I found the FOG website helpful but this spoke to my adult child in new ways.

So gather here and recognise we are going through a lot and need to have self-compassion - and most importantly we must understand this about ourselves, prioritise DC over parents and try to break the cycle.

Thank you @FiniteSagacity

Thank you @FiniteSagacity been a while since we all got together 🤣

Welcome @BlueLegume and @SockFluffInTheBath thanks for joining me in the annex, didn’t want to have this rant in the CC and derail there - but there’s a shelf of strong drinks in here 🍸 🥃 and a cosy fire 🔥 as I’m probably going to hell.

Basically I’ve been struggling to ever relax even now things are stable (even had a couple of weeks not visiting DF!) and asking myself what is wrong with me?! Then I read about being the ‘scapegoat’ or ‘identified patient’ of your family of origin and I realised that’s me.

I’ve lived being told I’m not as good as the others. I never feel good enough and DF has rejected, shamed and blamed me - and certainly isn’t going to change now he’s losing his mind.

I know I’m not alone and just wanted other people to feel less alone with this particular type of baggage.

@FiniteSagacity totally get you. We are certainly a generation dealing with difficult parents. I must admit your sentence about feeling alone - really hit home.

I had to go full no contact with my mother because she started bringing my child into things. I have posted on the stately homes threads and finally went no contact. It is still not all plain sailing. She still lies about me all of the time. She is a horrible bitter woman and recently publicly on facebook referred to me and my child as c*nts because we visited her husband in his nursing home something we have not been able to do for a year because i feel disgusted at the sight of her. I was so fragile before and just did not want to encounter her but I am much stronger now.

i have always been the scapegoat. I have been verbally, mentally and emotionally abused by that woman all of my life but I could not take it anymore and had to walk away and cut off most family. She still makes up lies about me and she still gets believed but while that hurts I cannot do anything about it but I am loving my peaceful drama free life away from her and her toxicity.

It is hard being the scapegoat and you will never be another other than that sadly.

Feel like I may fit in here, no golden child in my family dynamic but may as well be an only child, due to reasons beyond my sibling's control.

So resentful that I'm responsible for everyone now and stupidly agreed to move in a few years ago. My mind has been circling through humiliating memories from my childhood and your post resonates with me.

@Genuineweddingone thank you for sharing, I’m glad you’re feeling stronger - gives me hope.

It is draining feeling you have to justify/explain yourself and to know you are bad mouthed behind your back.

I’m getting better at not caring what people think of me but I can’t pretend it’s easy.

Scapegoat here too. It's partially because they deem you strong enough and clever enough to see through it and they presume you ll just row in and prop up the other family member drama llamas by being the family punch bag (because you are successful, tough, strong, clever, powerful or resilient enough to take it). My mother rewards me with money for being the family punch bag, I don't need her money. It's sad.

I tell my family now, she pays me for being the recipient of family abuse. That Lands them all in the shite and makes them jealous.

@Acheyelbows you’re welcome here, I’m so sorry you’re in the thick of it - people say you can walk away but it’s very hard to actually do that, especially if you live with them. I hope you have support.

@CreationNat1on its mad that they think you can take it, so that’s almost why you’re chosen. I think I’m the family empath - sensitive to everyone’s feelings and prepared to disagree or fight back for the ‘weaker’ ones, which put the target on me.

Now everyone is told I’m an ‘evil influence’ over the others, it doesn’t make any difference that we all agreed 24/7 care was the only way.

Your the voice of the meek, you are rocking the boat and the family dynamic. You are speaking out against the controller, of course you are a target. Whoever is inflicting the abuse is the manipulator.

I know I’m lucky that my siblings are just afraid of conflict, they don’t work against me they just need me to lead the way.

But it can feel lonely - I now see the little things done and said to keep me isolated from the crowd and second guessing myself. I’m beginning to understand how it all contributed to where I am now.

The "empath" is the hyper vigilant one, this is a learned skill due to being parentified.

You, used to be an ally of the manipulator, now you are speaking out.

The golden child, is the puppet that narrates back to the manipulator the version of the family they want to believe, they tend to be weak and childish and spoilt.

That’s a useful insight - thank you @CreationNat1on. I do think I’m hyper-vigilant and have found myself stuck in heightened alert which is why I’m struggling to sleep/relax and focus.

I’m not sure I was an ally exactly - but I was certainly useful to look after the younger ones and parent while they didn’t.

Our golden child is mortified at being put in that role but very conflict avoidant, I’m grateful I don’t have to put up with some of the siblings I hear about but it does mean I’ve often made the hard decisions so I continue to be the focus of all the anger.

It's the reward for being conflict avoidant. It's a manipulation technique. The meek are/is golden (the meek are easier to control). Therefore we will promote this personality style, as it suits the machiavellian agenda.

Interesting thread... I remember being somewhat taken aback when I found out my DS had been given access to my parents' bank accounts - it wasn't a bad thing as she stopped a lot of subscriptions and payments my Dad set up that he could no longer use.

My mum didn't mention this to me at all. She did want me to provide care for my Dad though, so he didn't have to go into a home.

I too used to find myself in the situation where I ended up speaking up about my parents' behaviour - particularly my Mum's - then got landed with all of the anger, even although everyone else was pissed off too.

I've posted about this before but my mum's behaviour towards me deteriorated after my oldest sister died. I used to think my sister was the GC but I'm not so sure now - it's like she needed a target for her attention and for a long time my sister was it, even although she was mentally very unwell.

One very odd episode was when I was heavily pregnant and my sister, who was an alcoholic and very frail and chaotic by this point, decided she wanted to come down and "help" with the newborn. Quite clearly this wasn't going to work, but when I spoke to my mum about being worried about it she didn't appear to see a problem and wasn't going to discourage it, so I gently had to talk my sister out of it.

No sane person would have thought it was a good idea and I think now my mum saw it as an excellent opportunity for a bit of extra drama. Like a kid putting two different animals together to see what would happen.

We all gc in my family when we jump to commands lol. 83. I realised she got toxic when told word no. I stand up to family alot more now. Elderly so selfish at times. My friend seems afraid of hers. She 57. Pure madness really. Im def low contact it suits me fine

@HoraceGoesBonkers thanks for sharing - and a kid putting the different animals together is such a good analogy - let’s see who survives if I pull these emotional levers.

If I was feeling charitable, it’s hard to know what is intentional and what is blundering about trying anything to get his own way (not sure he’s capable of Machiavellian @CreationNat1onbut probably underestimating DF!). There has been a lot of trauma in his life and I’m trying to dig deep for compassion ahead of the next visit.