Care home clothes recommendations

[GardenGaff]

On the back of the thread about clothes tags for labelling… Can anyone recommend some cheap but nice, long sleeved tops for a care home resident - female - my mum.

I think they need to be quite thick, as for some reason they don’t put a bra on her - not that she needs one, she’s so slight now and she’s virtually flat chested.

She’s been in a care home since November. Dad has sent in only about 6 or 8 tops. I’m sick of seeing her in the same stuff. It’s all been boil washed to oblivion and she looks like a bag of rags.

She has a wardrobe full of clothes at home and I’m sure plenty there that would be suitable but dealing with my dad can be like pulling teeth. It’s easier for me to go out and buy her some new bits. I have to pick my battles, don’t even get me started on trying to get him to book her in for some basic care like a haircut, or have her toenails trimmed regularly. I had to stop myself from crying when I saw her this weekend.

Any clothes recommendations gratefully received!

It will be being paid either into an an account just in mums name, or into a joint account, she has both.

And you’re right that my dad sees it as HIM paying her care home fees, I’ve tried telling him that it’s HER money and it’s not costing him a penny.

As far as I’m concerned she has an ongoing income in the form of her pension, plus her Attendance Allowance (self funding care home residents still get AA). £30 a week to herself is the least she deserves.

He seems happy for her just to have the bare minimum of 3 square meals a day and a bed, and hey what does it matter if she never has an item of new clothing or a haircut ever again.

She’s always had short hair and it’s at that awful stage where it’s neither long nor short, you can’t tie it back or do anything to even attempt to make her look half decent. She fiddles with hair clips and pulls them out so it’s just hanging in her face.

Utterly heartbreaking.

I was wondering this, too.

Yeah they couldn’t really come up with an explanation for this yesterday. They tried to say it was a next of kin thing.

I pointed out that dad doesnt have POA for health and wellbeing, as far as I was concerned this is a wellbeing issue, and they don’t need express permission from him.

I used the word “neglect” a couple of times and told them was I paying the money in there and then, so they needed to book the appointments I’ve asked for, and maybe I’d give social services a call for some advice and guidance.

They gave no push back after that.

ETA: I wonder if they’re worried dad might kick off if he comes in to find she’s had a haircut he didn’t know about. But what can he possibly say… “how dare you make my wife look presentable?”.

The word "neglect" often works wonders.

Elsewhere, I've outlined some of the problems encountered when my late mum was in hospital.

Thankfully for me, my cousin - a 6ft 2 pharmacist* - happened to visit the hospital the day I finally managed to organise a meeting with a doctor and nurse. God bless him - he said exactly the right thing: "You have to understand that my cousin Weary had an appalling experience when her father died in this hospital 4 yrs ago. Now...No one is mentioning neglect at this stage..."

That did the trick.

*Shouldn't make a difference, but it did.

Hopefully the results help with future conversations.

It may be worth another chat with the manager, and then a joint meeting with your dad on arrangements going forward.

So I’ve messaged him explaining I have put £100 into mums account and sorted these appointments. I said in the message that this was something I thought he should be doing, and it’s not fair that mum hasn’t had a haircut in 5 months.

His reply… “the haircut is booked for Tuesday”.

I feel like replying…I FUCKING KNOW IT IS, THATS WHAT I TOLD YOU IN MY MESSAGE TO YOU, I’M THE ONE THAT BOOKED AND PAID FOR IT!!!

Not a thank you, not an offer to reimburse me, not any acknowledgment that it is his responsibility to be sorting this, no acknowledgment that it isn’t right that mum is in this state.

DH is livid.

I’ve then spent 30 minutes reading over my message to him, wondering if he’s misread it or misunderstood it. His reply to me is bizzare, he’s telling me what I already know, repeating back to me that it’s booked for Tuesday like as if he’s the one that booked it. I feel like he’s gaslighting me.

This is gaslighting.

What’s the potential that he’s not properly understanding how the whole set up works.

messages are notorious for misrepresenting tone. His one back may be confirming that he’s understood the message that it’s booked for Tuesday. Standard practise for radio communication procedures.

Well done for getting things booked. Sounds like manager is now getting on board, so a meeting with the three of you (with you and manager having had prior conversation) may be a good way forward.

Stage the questions:
What things does the resident account need to cover.
How often do think mum needs them.
What’s the cost
What are the alternatives
How is it typically funded for state funded, and for private.
What do we need to do going forward to avoid mum getting into this poor condition again.

You’d have to trust me when I say there’s no potential whatsoever that he’s not understanding how the whole thing works with the care home, what he’s expected to provide, and what is included or not included in the fees. He’s intelligent and as sharp as a tack.

Unusually, in my message to him today I avoided walking on eggshells like I normally would, and sent a very plain talking factual message which I thought left no room for misinterpretation. DH and DS have both read my message and agree.

I’ve always known there’s been elements of stonewalling before mum became ill and I’ve experienced it aimed at me since she’s been ill. I’m starting to think he’s flat out financially abusive and neglectful and his focus is on paying the bare minimum (of mum’s money I might add) towards any aspect of her care that he can get away with. I’ve tried to make excuses for him and give him a lot of grace over the past year as she’s drastically deteriorated and then moved into the care home. I can’t think of any explanation why he would think what he’s doing now is ok.

I have cared for the elderly within the nhs and private care homes.
as someone has said, primark, peacocks is very good too. Long sleeve t shirts, cotton scarves so she can wear them in doors and easy elastic pull up trousers.with a cardigan again, nothing fancy cheap and cheerful.
the scarves will
keep her warm even in summer and and winter and add a dash of colour to her everyday dressing.
From my experience I can’t tell you how cold the elderly experience being cold . It’s like bone deep.
also the care staff should be asking if she wants to wear a bra and it should always be your mums choice what she wears .
although it can be difficult if she has cognitive impairment .
I hope this helps, and I understand being frustrated with your dad. It was the same with my parents .
Vest/camisole,long sleeve t shirts, cardigan and cotton scarves for colour and warmth .

I’d love to get her some scarves, she always wore them but the home don’t allow them, they’ve even removed the belt off her dressing gown.

Do they allow necklaces with safety clasps? There are a lot with magnetic clasps these days. Bright and chunky might be a slight scarf sub.

They can't have scarves I'm afraid, due to associated risk to the person and those living around them of accidents occurring if they are pulled by the person themselves, by someone else, or accidently become caught in something xx

If you sent her in with her regular clothes would those not also be destroyed by their washing, or any clothes that you buy for that matter.
if she is in a care home, she doesn’t need 100 different outfits at a time. And from the sound of it they will be ruined too anyway

Relating to so much of this. My mum's fingernails are terrible. She's on protein drinks so I think that might be why they've gone crazy - stronger than they've ever been, but curled over and yellow like a smoker's! They confiscate even the tiniest pair of scissors/clippers so I have to ask the staff to do it, while I'm there, and most of them are rushed off their feet at the best of times. They've also removed a pair of kids' craft scissors from her sideboard which I used to open things, remove tags from clothes etc. I wasn't even aware that they confiscated scarves and belts.

Does anyone know how to deal with facial hair in women in nursing homes btw? The hairdresser doesn't provide any treatments. What cream or strips can I buy to use safely, it's very undignified for my mother and the person she was would be mortified to see how she is now.

I agree re patterned tops, plain show the inevitable food and drink spills.
PP said not overhead tops - but depends on tbe individual. My Mum can manage putting something over her head more easily than doing up buttons/zips.
My Mum still likes to look nice, and likes ‘new’ clothes - but can’t remember anything so I tend to rotate clothes so she feels like she has something ‘new’ - even if it’s something she’s had for years but not seen in a while. For brand new stuff, Bon Marche and Edinburgh Woollen Mill have comfy tops, reasonably priced especially in the sales. I’ve also picked my Mum up some new looking tops from charity shops. I love a charity shop find myself

Does anyone know how to deal with facial hair in women in nursing homes btw? The hairdresser doesn't provide any treatments. What cream or strips can I buy to use safely, it's very undignified for my mother and the person she was would be mortified to see how she is now.

That’s my job for when I go to see mum this afternoon @AInightingale , I’m taking some tweezers, some of those tiny women’s facial hair razors and my husbands eyebrow and nostril trimmer, and depending on whether she’s in the lounge or her bedroom and what mood she’s in, I’m determined to rid her of her moustache and the massive one thick hair growing out od her chin. She’d also be absolutely mortified if she saw herself now.

I tried to use a facial razor the other day @GardenGaff using some shave gel, but she sort of made an exclamation like I'd hurt her so I stopped! The problem with very old people's skin is that it's so thin and it would be awful to actually cut it while trying to help. I have never actually used cream on my own face, is it very harsh?

I’ve never used cream on my own face and I’m scared that facial waxing strips might lift her skin.

I always take a flannel in with me and if she’s in her room I give her a hot flannel face wash and then put some face cream on for her, which she loves.

So I’m thinking I might be able to quickly pluck her moustache (about 4 or 5 really dark long hairs at each corner of her mouth) while I’ve got a warm flannel nearby to sooth her skin straight away.

If not the eyebrow trimmer might work but I don’t know if she’d be frightened with it buzzing near her face, it’s quite loud. It would definitely work on the ‘tache and her eyebrows could do with a trim too.

I just snip my hairs with a pair of nail scissors. You will probably have to redo more frequently than plucking but maybe easier and less lukely to damage the skin.

I'd be threatening your dad with safeguarding reports to the LA if was keeping your mums money and she is suffering.

OP, if it were me, I’d be telling you dad that I’m reporting him to social services, for his refusal (despite ample funds) to allow her essential foot care and normal hairdressing appointments.

We had a devil of a job while she was still at home, to ensure that DM wore clean clothes and had her hair washed - she was unbelievably stubborn in her refusal, despite having been so fastidious pre dementia. But in the care home, she was always nicely dressed, with nice clean tidy hair. I never did find out how they managed it, but all the residents were the same.

And BTW it was by no means the most expensive CH we’d looked at for her.