Care home clothes recommendations

[GardenGaff]

On the back of the thread about clothes tags for labelling… Can anyone recommend some cheap but nice, long sleeved tops for a care home resident - female - my mum.

I think they need to be quite thick, as for some reason they don’t put a bra on her - not that she needs one, she’s so slight now and she’s virtually flat chested.

She’s been in a care home since November. Dad has sent in only about 6 or 8 tops. I’m sick of seeing her in the same stuff. It’s all been boil washed to oblivion and she looks like a bag of rags.

She has a wardrobe full of clothes at home and I’m sure plenty there that would be suitable but dealing with my dad can be like pulling teeth. It’s easier for me to go out and buy her some new bits. I have to pick my battles, don’t even get me started on trying to get him to book her in for some basic care like a haircut, or have her toenails trimmed regularly. I had to stop myself from crying when I saw her this weekend.

Any clothes recommendations gratefully received!

If your Dad has POA for your mum’s finances and health and welfare he should be acting in her best interests and take into account what her wishes would be if she wasn’t unwell. It doesn’t seem like that is happening. In theory he could be reported to the Court of Protection - perhaps a gentle explanation of this might help him to provide properly for your mum.

It’s the OPG that is the place to report to if Dad has POA (or Deputyship if POA wasn’t sorted before the doner lost capacity) https://www.gov.uk/report-concern-about-attorney-deputy-guardian

I have my Dad in M and S tracksuits. They wash really well and last. Agree with pp saying get things that zip or button up the front, he has lots of nice chunky cardies which are great.

That's so sad, OP, my late DM used to enjoy her weekly or fortnightly hair appointment in her care home.
She used to say to the hairdresser 'make me beautiful, please' and they would both have a giggle (in a nice way.)
Unfortunately as she became lost to dementia she could no longer tolerate haircuts and would wave her hands and arms around her head to stop the poor hairdresser from doing anything! But the home was good at trimming her nails and also her chin hairs too.
Can you not put a couple of hundred quid into her account yourself, OP, and try to shame your dad into repaying you? She is his responsibility, after all.
And please have a word about the POA and remind him what he is obliged to do as her attourney. He could be removed if he is not carrying out his responsibilities and if someone else (eg solicitor, or the office of the Public Guardian) is appointed in his stead, that might cost ££££.

Thanks for all the advice, Tesco at the weekend for me plus I live near an abundance of charity shops so I’ll go for a mooch and see when I can get.

The other issues are a whole other thread. I might start one separately.

I’ve only spoken really openly to two people in real life and they too have said it’s bordering on neglect. He visits her almost every day for an hour or so, and on the face of it, extended family on both sides think he’s wonderful for doing that.

But it seems he won’t spend a penny he doesn’t have to, won’t buy her any new clothes, etc. I’ve tried explaining it’s her money, not his. He won’t budge on anything until he’s ready to, maybe it’s stubbornness, he definitely doesn’t like being told what to do.

If you knew what mum looked like before, you’d think she looks like a tramp at the moment. I can’t imagine her leaving him to go without a haircut for 5 months, it just wouldn’t have happened.

Someone asked if he has any capacity issues - I don’t think so. My parents are actually quite young. If they’d sought medical help and a diagnosis when I first spoke up to say I was worried about mum, she’d have been classed as having early onset Alzheimer’s. There’s a backstory of control, gaslighting, stonewalling. It makes my head spin at times now I’m dealing with it/him, it’s no wonder mum has ended up with Alzheimer’s. He won’t even tell me exactly what type of Alzheimer’s she has, he claims not to know and apparently he’s never asked.

Like I say, it’s a whole other thread. Typing it out on here and having detached from the situation strangers say what they make of it has been quiet cathartic though so thank you!

It potentially is neglect. Social services may well be interested but discuss with the care home first. Your mum deserves better.

The daily visiting thing might almost be part of the issue.

You know yourself, with people you see every day you don’t notice gradual change. See someone every couple
of months and you notice the step change.

(Another option, if you’re in a position to do so, you could probably book and pay for a hair appointment. Hair dressers usually aren’t fussy on who finds it. If it can’t go through the home account then ask who they use and talk to them
direct. That one off step change might help him get head around the idea).

I buy clothes for Mum from Cotton Traders and M&S and John Lewis. These are brands she wore herself and they are hard wearing but also attractive. But I have POA for her so can use her money. I am very careful now what textures I provide after going in one day to find she had an acrylic jumper on with nothing underneath- how itchy would that be. I now only buy very soft natural fabrics.

Can you as a family shame your dad into action by putting a payment into her account and telling him what you've done? He should be mortified. Tbh the nursing home should talk about things like this, I am always surprised how much they avoid ever talking to the families. Regular small chats ought to avoid having to go into big rows.

I don't understand why you cannot put money in your Mum's resident account. Obviously you shouldn't have to but if it means your Mum gets the care she needs it is worth doing. Surely with money available the care staff can then help your Mum decide she needs a hairdo, podiatrist treatment etc, bypassing your DF?

I’m sorry to say this, but your father is being financially abusive here. Their finances should have been separated once she moved into the home, and she should have had her own bank account / savings account. It’s too late to do that now - but he needs to be told that he needs to pay up for your DMs care beyond a bed and 3 meals a day.

When her father is refusing to put money into his wife’s account, then he should be told in no uncertain terms that it’s not on.
It’s certainly not up to the OP to pay. You dont know whether the OP has the funds to do so!

Mum had some lovely clothes but when she went into the home I bought plain coloured elasticated trousers and skirts and t shirts (long and short sleeved) from Amazon and a picked up lightweight coloured scarves from home and from charity shops. The clothes were all mix and match and a bright scarf would bring it together.

In her last year or so mum's arthritis and the effect of the dementia meant that she was in severe pain when she was dressed. I bought extra large clothes that would stretch across her back so she didn't need to move her arms and also ponchos and capes instead of jumpers. She couldn't use her hands so having her hands under the poncho wasn't a problem.

My Nana was in a care home with Alzheimer's. We had her pension paid straight into her pocket money account with the home. Then arranged recurring appointments for hair etc. Another issue we had was she was wearing the same clothes all the time when they were dirty. They said they weren't allowed to tell her what to wear. Finally convinced them to put whatever she took off at night straight in the laundry so she had to pick something clean.
Heartbreaking as my Nana was so fastidious and stylish before the Alzheimer's.

Thank you. Finally someone else can see it. It’s appalling how he’s treating her. I’d be putting a call into adults safeguarding and in to the OPG if he has POA/Deputyship.

Tell your Dad you've put money in mum's pot abd ask him to reimburse you.

Things that are ok to boil wash. Not jeans - waist digs in too much. My Mum gets gran pull up trousers that are size bigger because of pads and longer as she is wheelchair bound and her usual length leaves her ankles uncovered. Mum has arranged hairdo monthly and haircut 2 monthly. Also chiropodist when they are in. Home sends bill to Mum and she pays it. If your Dad totally won’t allow it is there any way you could pay or sister|brother?

We had the same problem with our dad and money. So, we told him that he would be creating a standing order each month to my sister to cover my mums needs. Sister then transfers that into her 'home account' The home can't withhold services on the basis that your dad hasn't given permission. Talk to the manager and if that doesn't work then contact the company who own the home. They won't want to be doing this if a CQC inspector walks through the door! Your mum presumably has her state pension, is this paid directly to the home? If so they will also have her personal allowance which is something like £25 a week which they can use for haircuts, nail cutting, toiletries, magazines
Your dad needs to understand that the cost of self funding is for the basic stuff, not anything extra. Any extras still have to be paid for in the same way as if she was still at home.
Definitely speak to the manager as a matter of urgency as you should be able to give the permission they need and sometimes communication between staff isn't what it should be.

Then apply for power of attorney as clearly your father isn’t up for the task (the chiropodist appointment being a good example)

I am a Nurse and worked in a home many years ago, my Gran was also in a home. Sure they vary, I believe chiropodists cut toenails (many older people have diabetes and require this service) so that can be arranged via the nursing team on a 6 weekly basis.

Hair and Nails, can be arranged within the home, my Gran lived in a home with an in-build Salon, the ladies and men were well cared for. Is a visiting beautician and hairdresser possible to arrange with the home? Raise it.

If not take her out once a month to have her hair and nails done. My mum was the only sibling out of 5 to ever take my gran out for lunch, shopping etc… sure she was in a wheelchair, it’s manageable for an hour or two. Especially if wearing a pad.

Clothing buy stretchy everything as will be easier for the care staff to dress her, especially sleeves and cardigans. She may get through a lot of clothes so bring/buy double. Make sure it can be tumble dried. Buy bright coloured tops, cardigans and dark trousers. Skirts and long socks/stockings are also a great option. A nice warm, fluffy M&S Gown for the evenings and slippers (enclosed, safe with a back for the heel)

Screw wearing a bra, a vest top will do the job.

I remember being so busy in the morning, I would get up 2 residents at once, running between rooms. Try to make it easier for the care staff to succeed. Politely inform them your mother likes to have her hair brushed and set in the morning, maybe she could have a bit of powder and blush applied (easy for care staff to apply) and that her favourite necklace and perfume is applied too.

I would also recommend a Radio for her bedroom and a Newspaper delivery set up, so you know she has something special to do daily. That will ease the guilt about not visiting daily (quite rare in my experience)

You may have to pick up jobs you don’t want to do, I.E plucking your mothers chin hairs, arranging eye tests, glasses, foot care etc as the Nursing team are probably too under resourced to do a 110% job.

If your mum has been deemed not to have capacity and Power of Attorney hasn't already been set up, then it's deputyship that needs to be applied for (which unfortunately costs more) There's various forms that the social worker or assessing person have to complete to be able to apply for this.

I used to work in care homes. We had one resident whos daughter would hang up full outfits in her wardrobe. Each hanger had a little bag that contained socks underwear etc, everything for that outfit that matched the colours. When removed they would go in individual mesh wash bags and once or twice a week she picked them up and returned them the next time she visited. Her clothes were always “her” and what she would wear before coming to the home. I always thought it was lovely, and thought id do similar for my mum if the time came. Her daughter could only visit a couple of times a week but it ensured her mum always looked nice. Her clothes were mostly supermarket branded, but it was the way they were put together made them look smart and like herself. She had a small box of mostly costume/cheap jewellery we would help her pick from each day too. Her personal care didnt take any longer than anyone elses, but as everything was laid out and cared for she just always looked nice. If you can afford the time to do her laundry a couple of times a week and hang her clothes, it can make a big difference

Thank you for all of the advice.

I’ve ordered some clothes online, bought a few bits from Vinted and am going shopping at the weekend.

I phoned the care home yesterday and went in for a meeting after work. They agreed that mum is desperate for a haircut and also agreed that the podiatry appointment should be a regular thing. I told them I won’t be accepting that dad has to book/agree these appointments any more and I’m doing it. I mentioned the word “neglect” once or twice. They didn’t push back after that.

So I’ve paid £100 into mums account and booked the hairdresser for next Tuesday and the podiatrist for whenever they are next in. As a PP suggested, this is money that DH and don’t really have spare at the moment and I’m furious that I have to pay for this while mum and dad have hundreds of thousands in the bank, but I can’t let this carry on.

I don’t know what my dads endgame is here, like does he think it’s ok that mum never has a haircut or her toenails trimmed ever again for the rest of her life?

I’m going to have a discussion with him at some point soon about this. I agree this is starting to look like financial abuse. I think I’m getting the silent treatment at the moment, stonewalling is his specialty. I messaged him on Monday morning telling him (yet again) mum needs a haircut and if he put money into her account on Monday she’d be booked in for Tuesday. He read the message but didn’t reply or even acknowledge it, then I phoned the care home yesterday (Tuesday) morning to be told that nope - he hasn’t put a penny in her account or booked anything. Hence me then demanding a meeting with them.

Ironic that people funded by the local authority get £30 a week into their personal spending account and are having regular weekly blow dries, and my dad thinks it’s ok that in the last 4-5 months he has given my mum a grand total of £16.50. I’m furious and disgusted about this.

Does your Dad know that those being paid for have £30 paid in? It might help if it is clearly put to him that the expectation is that all residents have this £30 paid in weekly and as POA it is his responsibility to provide it. Rather than just it being something he might want to choose to provide.

Well done for stepping in in the short term.

I'd suggest doing what we did. Take dad down to the bank. Set up a standing order into your mums care home account.

Her personal allowance is the same as anyone being funded by the local authority, ask the bursar/administrator at the home how this gets set up. If you can't get an answer then ring the financial services department at their local authority and ask how it gets set up.

The problem with your dad's mindset is that he doesn't see an issue with it. Presumably the care home bill is coming out of their joint account and he's decided that he's doing his bit. If you put money in and pay for things then he'll carry on. Show him the receipts and tell him you want a refund! (And I do understand how hard it is because my dad is also sitting on a fair amount of money and always refused to actually give my mum any with the reasoning that her state pension was 'hers' because he paid all the bills!!!!)

Her personal allowance is the same as anyone being funded by the local authority, ask the bursar/administrator at the home how this gets set up. If you can't get an answer then ring the financial services department at their local authority and ask how it gets set up.

Do you mean I could £30 of her pension diverted into her resident account? I’ll definitely look into this.

Yes, though it depends on where her pension is being paid at the moment, if it's into their joint account then it will need to be paid from that account into the account the home will have set up. Does your dad hold Power of attorney or is he simply carrying on controlling the finances?