Pressure on husband to do more

[Kay286]

I’ll try not to go on for too long here ….
husband had a horrible childhood , single parent mom , mentally abused from young age , locked in his room , told he was reason dad left , told never wanted a son. The daughter was the golden child could do no wrong so grew up very different relationships with their mother.
he left as soon as he could age 20 and basically minimal relationship since. We moved abroad 5 yrs ago to live and happy settled since. 2 years ago she suffered a stroke age 64 so pretty young and is now living in a care home. She cannot return home is not mobile , cannot feed herself or do personal care. Sister lives closer but still a few hours away and is getting frustrated we are so far and not doing more to help .. he is feeling guilty for his sister but is also not feeling any obligation to his mother in all honesty. However sister is sorting everything poa, loading with the home , clearing house for selling to cover costs and basically everything , visiting every 2 weeks … all admin but he simply doesn’t want to help he is detached from the relationship completely with his mum

I think you should tell him that it's not his responsibility and that he owes his parents nothing. If his sister relished being the 'chosen' one, even as an adult, she doesn't deserve his help.

She’s choosing this and making excuses. House clearance will only sort through what you ask them to, they will keep anything valuable, paperwork, photos etc back for you and just deal with everything else.

And at 14 hours away it’s ridiculous to expect practical assistance, even from someone who had a lovIng relationship with their parent!

So he’s offered to pay for house clearing, that’s good. It’s up to her whether she accepts this help or not.

Has he sat with his DSus and explained why he moved away and why he’s not helping more?

My “D”M created a golden child and a scapegoat dynamic for a long time and wound often tell lies to keep me and my DSis apart. It was only by spending time together talking about what had being going on for years that made us realise how abusive she had been. We know she was awful, just not how awful.

I woukd see if he can talk to his DSis again about how awful his childhood was but acknowledge that hers might have been different. Reiterate that he can pay for house clearing, gardening ir a big clean before the house goes on the market. See if DH will do something like negotiate the sale to take pressure off his DSis but ultimately it is up to DH and hos DSis how much each of them gets involved.

It's a big ask especially with the back story. To be fair him offering to pay for the house clearance would be a big help. His sister might not want to do it that way but sometimes compromises need to be made. She might want to martyr herself and have a very different relationship with their mum but he doesn't need to be dragged into it. I think a firm and boundaried approach is needed, especially if the sister has any bright ideas about you standing in for him

Sending sympathy as l have been approached by a family member to clear another family members home when they pass away, they are terminally ill and the prognosis is poor. Problem is l am no contact with the terminal family member, live 6-7 hours away and they are / were a hoarder. Realistically it would take numerous weekend and / or a years annual leave to deal with. I also work full time, have 2 pre-school children and a dehabilitating chronic health condition. I suggested house clearance (not me paying for it or organising it) and that has been shot down. I'm very selfish apparently 🙄

I’m so sorry that you’ve been put in that position too. A DF lost her DM last year, also a hoarder but never acknowledged.

After spending some time trying to clear the mess, she eventually agreed to house clearance. It was a recommended company and although not cheap it saved money in the long run as the house was fit for resale within a couple of weeks. Realistically I don’t see how my DF would have ever managed to clear all of the junk. We did help a little but it was a drip in the ocean.

Try and ignore the comments about being selfish, hard I know but I imagine the decision to go no contact was not taken lightly.

@BunnyRuddington l think house clearance is the only way in these scenarios. Who has the resources to deal with literal decades of random stuff?! It's a job in itself. It can take so long to make any progress with it all

Thanks for your concern but lm used to being told lm selfish. It's more a short hand for "lm angry you aren't doing EXACTLY what l say". It's safe to say me burning myself out, my husband having no annual leave for over a year (as he would have to cover all our childcare's annual leave and take unpaid leave to do this) and my children get little quality time with me (weekends consumed with travel and clearing plus no holidsys or annual leave). Is not something I'm willing to do

I think it’s shorthand for them being angry that you’re dating to not meekly do their bidding too. My “D”M can be very much like this.

If his Dsis chooses not to use a company for house clearance, that’s on her.

Spending a lot of time and energy for something that probably isn’t there is a personal choice, she can’t expect her DB to make the same decision.

I would have a lot more sympathy for her if she was doing ongoing care but as the DM is in the home
, it’s a one off issue and could be more easily resolved by throwing money at it.

I think given the circumstances and the relationship, your husband has no reason to feel guilty and shouldn't offer up more support as it would cause him stress and cost him financially.