Pressure on husband to do more

[Kay286]

I’ll try not to go on for too long here ….
husband had a horrible childhood , single parent mom , mentally abused from young age , locked in his room , told he was reason dad left , told never wanted a son. The daughter was the golden child could do no wrong so grew up very different relationships with their mother.
he left as soon as he could age 20 and basically minimal relationship since. We moved abroad 5 yrs ago to live and happy settled since. 2 years ago she suffered a stroke age 64 so pretty young and is now living in a care home. She cannot return home is not mobile , cannot feed herself or do personal care. Sister lives closer but still a few hours away and is getting frustrated we are so far and not doing more to help .. he is feeling guilty for his sister but is also not feeling any obligation to his mother in all honesty. However sister is sorting everything poa, loading with the home , clearing house for selling to cover costs and basically everything , visiting every 2 weeks … all admin but he simply doesn’t want to help he is detached from the relationship completely with his mum

Does his sister acknowledge how badly your DH was treated by their mum when he was a child? She had a completely different relationship with their mum and wants to help her.

He shouldn't feel obliged to help with the care (in whatever capacity) of a mother who abused him as a child.

I am the ‘golden child’ in this situation, although different family circumstances.

I absolutely acknowledge that my sibling has a different relationship with our (end of life) parent and they are under no obligation to care. They live one hour away from our parent, I live 4. Our situation is different as our other parent is still very much present. I go every week for 3 days to support them both as I can WFH. I am exhausted. Beyond exhausted. I have constant backache.

As I said, I understand their position & I know it’s my choice to care for our parents (however, I love them) but judge and resent my sibling for the pressure it puts on me - two things can be true at the same time.

Our relationship will never recover.

Surely he should be doing stuff to help his sister

Does he have a good relationship with his sister? Rather than helping his awful mother, could he do the jobs that support his sister and let her do the jobs that involve direct contact with his mother?

@HerLadyshipHasSailed Our relationship will never recover.

Did your relationship actually recover from your childhood? In your siblings eyes?

I am no longer involved in my mother's care because she facilitated my father's abusive behaviour as a child, and behaved unpleasantly to me through my adulthood. My brothers were praised and pandered to. They ring her, visit her and are involved in her care. I have explained to them why I have backed out. I am ready to discuss any changes in her health with them, and make very occasional visits at major family gatherings - maybe a couple of times a year. Perhaps if it is getting too much for the OPs sibling, then thinking about a carer, disability benefits etc is the next step.

@Trumpsgoneloco Not quite sure of your point (blame?) but yes. They’ve never held me responsible for our childhood & recognise I had little choice in our different experiences (there was no abuse in our childhoods - just differences that I’m not going to go into).

However, I expect they feel some resentment towards me too. Not everything is black and white and I’m sure they can also feel two things at the same time.

I was just curious as you said "Our relationship will never recover." I was interested because normally the golden child & the non golden child don't tend to have the best relationship because of the childhood trauma, you see it on here all the time. It was interesting to see a narrative where the relationship wasn't impacted by that. Is that ok?

I’m sorry you are in this position, but you are making your sibling responsible for your choices.

Your parents however will be delighted to have pitted their children against each other, probably to make sure they both feel aggrieved. Your parents however- not your sibling have created this situation, misplaced anger and resentment being a key tool in the dynamic.

I also believe you should think about substituting the word “parent” for “abuser” in relation to your sibling, to help you more clearly understand their position.

Don’t forget you are choosing to run yourself ragged, you could and can step back. Don’t ask your sibling to in effect put themselves in harms way, so that you can act the martyr.

Apologies @Trumpsgoneloco it’s early and tone can be tricky to read / easy to misread. I’m sorry I misread your tone!

@Randomer27 thank you but you are incorrect in your summation. I do not hold them responsible; I’m not a martyr - I’m clear about my boundaries and I want to help to the extent I do. As said, two things can be true at the same time and I own my choice whilst still having an emotional reaction to the situation. Am human 🤷🏼‍♀️

Again, the term ‘abuser’ is also incorrect. My second post explains this but I’m not going to go further into detail. There’s no delight from our parents either. Families can be very complex.

No worries. i wasn't trying to apportion blame.

I think you need to try to acknowledge the cognitive dissonance you are obviously feeling, but are struggling with. You are rationalising all this as families are complex, and two things can be true at once.

At one level things look pretty simple to me. You are the acknowledged golden child and your sibling therefore is the scapegoat.
My guess is, you are the golden child for being biddable and compliant, willing to do whatever it takes to keep your parents happy.
Scapegoat made good his/her escape and has cast iron boundaries. You are still hopelessly enmeshed, but have been trained that boundaries are now patrolled.
You see their freedom and it is this you actually resent. Why won’t they help you out, now that it’s payment time for golden child status?

Why are you going there 3 days a week? Why are your parents happy for you to be run ragged presumably to the extent you are too tired to drive safely?
Why does it have to be this way?
If this isn’t martyring yourself, what would martyring look like (to you?).
What do you actually want to happen here?

I cannot begin to explain how wrongly you are interpreting my situation.

And I don’t drive….

It does really come down to his relationship with his sister. Forget his mum. He absolutely does not need to visit her. She is in a home and cared for.

But clearing the house, selling it etc, is to help his sister not his mum. Can you talk to him from this point of view?

And once it’s done he can ignore his mum for the rest of her life if that’s his choice.

husband had a horrible childhood , single parent mom , mentally abused from young age , locked in his room , told he was reason dad left , told never wanted a son.

Your husband owes her nothing. Glad he managed to get away. Carry on enjoying your new start abroad. It’s lovely that he has found you, someone who does actually care about him.

The golden child sister is choosing to do this administration work for your DH’s abusive mother (which would be done by the state in her absence). That is her choice.

Your DH could explain his view honestly and plainly to her. If the sister still chooses to blame him for her predicament (note: a pattern here surely?) that’s on her.

Your parents created this dynamic. Not your sibling. Look to your parents with your resentment.

The current thinking is that the golden child / scapegoat dynamic is always abusive. To both children. So “abuser” is the correct term.

Could your DH throw money at the problem, OP? So pay for someone to, say, clear the house? Just to help his sister but without involving himself physically or actually?

OP, your thread has got hijacked with replies to another poster. You could ask MN to remove those posts.

@footle agree - I’m not going to respond further. Hope the thread helps the OP

Totally agree. The sister chooses to help the parent she has a good relationship with and your DH chooses not to help who he sees as a toxic parent. Its a shame that his sister cannot see or understand that.

My siblings are burning with resentment at being on call for last 20 years. I feel zero need to get involved in any capacity. My parents were vile. My siblings benefitted enormously over the years financially and have paid a heavy price in return. I moved abroad to get away from them all.
Your mil chose to abuse your husband and he owes her nothing. Good for him for sticking to his guns. Guilt fades but resentment eats you from the inside out. The old saying 'be kind to your children because they will be choosing your nursing home' is true.

Nobody is under an obligation to care for someone else (unless they’re a parent, then caring for their child! Which the parents failed to do in this case).

It’s the sister’s choice whether she is involved or not. She doesn’t have to clear the house herself. That’s what house clearance companies are for. She could put the house on a management contract with the Estate Agent until it sells. She could get a solicitor to handle the financial side of organising care, billed to the estate. Obviously all of that costs money and would reduce the value of the estate, so maybe she is concerned about an inheritance?

Sorry for the lack of update we are on a different time zone then working !
relationship we sister is not great either unfortunately , she is younger so maybe not aware of everything going on when they were kids but as older almost relished in it . He does care about her though and feels guilt she is taking the brunt of it all … we offered to pay for a company to help with clearing the house but she thought there might be money hidden everywhere and wanted to sort through sentimental things too.
he COULD go to help physically but we are about 14 hours away door to door and significant cost , and already flew back recently for a funeral so to again isn’t really practical, even if he did he could help clear the house but then cleaning getting it ready to sell condition , engaging with solicited estates agents it’s not possible to be done in a week.
mum still having emergency episodes requiring sister to drop all and go to the hospital too- obv not practical for husband to fly back .
I do almost want to say to him it’s not his responsibility he owes nothing and his sister does it as a choice.

There is often greed involved with golden children. Your husband has nothing to feel guilty about, sil is carrying the load for having preferential treatment all those years.