Need a virtual hug.

[Tolkienista]

I'm honestly not on here for advice, I just want to hear what others are going through because I'm feeling more overwhelmed as each week passes by.
My 95 year old mother is a year into moving into a care home.
She still needs support and help in adjusting to her new way of life.
Luckily she lived independently until 94 years of age and one fall changed her life completely.

I'm one of three, my mother's next of kin .
I don't resent the amount of time I give her, but my siblings leave a lot of it to me, including attending appointments, dealing with visitors, financial affairs etc.

Please share how you feel at the moment.
This post is prompted by a chat I had with my next door neighbour this afternoon.
I offloaded a lot of stuff with her and she told me about three of her friends who are going through very similar experiences with their elderly parents.
Exhausted and overwhelmed at times.
That's how I feel.
Thanks for reading my post, please share your thoughts

@Tolkienista solidarity and virtual hug 💐

I too am the closest and have always done all the things around the edges. I’m only now appreciating how much it has affected me - all those micro decisions.

I also made the hard decision to put DF in a home, after a rapid decline and none of us could meet his needs.

It is still shit. Even though my siblings stepped up during the decline and have been amazing emotional support, the reality is DF prefers everyone else to me and being closest means I feel obligated to visit. Even when I don’t, I find I’m thinking about it. So even now DF is safe I’m still doing admin and feeling overwhelmed.

Please have a look at Cockroach cafe on here. It is full of people dealing with elderly relatives. Their humour and resilience are heart warming.

I am an only child. Both my parents are gone now. I think I had it easier than friends who had siblings. The people who supported me in caring for my DM - at home and when she went into care - were there for me. My DH, DD, cousin and best friend and they were so supportive. Before making decisions I sounded everything out with them and with my DU, mum's only surviving sibling. He has been amazing and was nothing but supportive every step of the way. He lived an hour away, in his 80's, and visited mum every 6 weeks or so even though she didn't know him.

I have friends on the other hand with siblings both local and away who have had much harder times than me because the siblings were keen to tell them what to do but had no intention of actually helping.

@FiniteSagacity I really needed to read your post today as you've literally put my thoughts into words. Thank you.
It's tough, it's ongoing, there's always something to do and as you say it really does affect you.
I really believe that a problem shared is a problem halved.
My problem feels halved after reading your poignant post.

Ooh, that sounds interesting.....will definitely check that out.

Virtual hug to you

Although my parents are younger, mid 80s, I’m carrying the brunt of the care out of their 3 children due to availability and proximity so your post resonates. I’m sure you’re doing the best you can right now. Carry on doing what you’re doing at this difficult time, I’m sorry my post doesn’t offer too much help but know you’re not alone in going through this. The balance of care doesn’t always fall evenly I know. Hope your mum is happy and comfortable in her new home, she’ll be in good hands with the right people to care for her x

@Tolkienista please check in to the cockroach caff thread on the elderlies board- there are legions of folk going through the same, lots of understanding and virtual gin and cake.
I was a regular since it started, over the 18 years I supported dm, who died two years ago at 97, and it was a lifeline. Lots about s@#£ siblings, goldenballs brothers etc, you will be very welcome.

Great post and the very last few lines have really struck a chord with me.
That's exactly what's happening to me, yes I'm her next of kin......but the number of times I've had, you should do this, you need to do this, but never ever would they step up to the plate and do it themselves .

There is a very comfy bad daughters sofa with room for all- and I understand there is a good daughters room somewhere, very dusty and empty I understand… I never found it…

Yes, I agree with The Sandwich - the Cockroach Cafe kept me sane.

A very timely post........I agree, a lot of people are looking for it.

Lovely to see you @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere fellow veteran! I do hope you are the life you deserve.
@Tolkienista one of the caff mantras-“ you can’t pour from an empty jug”

Thank you for your lovely supportive post, that's really hit the mark with me and as you say "it resonates" with you and that's all I wanted from others.
At the moment the burden really is falling on me more and more.
This forum is such a help.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I am also an only child. I occasionally rant I wish I had siblings. But then there is no guarantee that siblings would help. I have DD1 who is immensely capable and drives who gives her grandma support, Even DD2 who has learning disabilities can get to grandma independently on the bus and can do a bit of shopping.

Mum is very deaf now and refuses to wear hearing aids. The last year had been hard for mum as her health has declined .

Mum is in her own home and refusing carers. At 86 she is too old to move now.

Just wanted to post in solidarity. My mum is 20 years younger than yours and still living independently, but has Parkinsons and now cognitive impairment and it is just exhausting. I have a fairly useless sibling, so I end up picking up most of the slack. Her needs are getting greater, but she won't accept any outside help. The mental strain is exhausting - the endless admin, to do lists, the medical appointments, the endless reminding her to do things and the overwhelming guilt that I should be doing more. And the guilt over the fact that I really resent it sometimes. And the guilt that some days i just can't face going round there. But you can't really say some of that in real life though without sounding like an awful person. I want my weekends back, I want some brain space back, I want my spare time to be spent with my kids.

There you go, I feel better for saying that out loud. 😊

Edited for typo

I lost the first 10 years of my Retirement caring for 3 ungrateful people. Those who were appalled that my mum went into a care home but never visited either at home or when she went into care. She was receiving appalling treatment from my stepfather who refused to acknowledge her illness. Nobody had any idea of the stress I was under. In my experience there is always one person who takes on the burden, the others are happy to sit back.

@CobblersCoughSyrup thank you for sharing and it really is okay to feel you want your life back.
In the sandwich I really feel like we were promised we could have it all and the reality is we do it all.
I also recommend the Cockroach Cafe, very comfy bad daughter’s sofa.

@Rictasmorticia that sounds so tough, hugs for you too. It’s also the mental load isn’t it - even if people will help, you have to think of what needs doing and ask plead for help.

It's a whole different stage when the care home thing starts. In theory it should be easier. I do at least know that Mum is warm, fed and has someone keeping an eye on her. Sometimes the stress just shifts so that you worry about different things. I do think my mum is bored rigid but there's a limit to what I could do about that wherever she was. I think she's often TOO warm. I worry about the texture of the clothes they put on her. If they have to ring me about a shampoo refill or something I feel crushingly guilty.

I'm currently overdue to visit Mum and I have excuses - basically am involved less directly in caring for 3 other elderlies, one of whom is dying - but the fact is it is often miserable going to see her (not always to be fair) and it takes a certain amount of strength to go. None if this is easy. If you need permission to skip visiting for a bit just to do a bit of recharging - you have it from me. They're well cared for. That's the point.

I'm particularly fierce about this this week bevause someone I know who is in that mythical 'great family support, living at home' situation that we're all supposed to venerate turns out to be being abused by members of their family. And it must be blooming easy to cross that line even if it is feasible for a hugely frail immobile/impaired person to live other than in 24 hour care - mostly it just isn't feasible, which is why they go into a home!

@PermanentTemporary your post really resonated with me, I see so much of myself in what you are describing and I agree there are certain things that have improved since she went into a care home but so much that remains unfulfilled.
I was down at her house yesterday, a beautiful sunny day....... she'd have been so happy sitting in her chair looking out over the garden, but she wouldn't be safe that's why we had to make the difficult decision to move on to the next level.

I'm having a well earned break over the next few days, in your words "recharging"
Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.

That's it in a message.
You are so right and I couldn't agree more.
So sorry that you went through such a negative experience caring for three ungrateful people.
I'm definitely the one who does the most.
I'm biting my tongue at the moment as one of my siblings is claiming she can't cope if she's asked to do any more, she's doing pretty much nothing.
That's why I posted on here last night, I got my virtual hug by the bucketload.

Thanks you for your honesty in your post , it really resonated with me and anyone who wants to know what caring for an elderly person is really like just read what's on this thread.
As you say it really Is mentally exhausting, day in day out.
And the guilt, I can definitely empathise with that feeling too.
I am good at prioritising, but sometimes this caring role just supersedes everything else.

Thank you 🙏 to everyone who has taken the time to post.
I've read them all and been touched by what others are going through in caring for an elderly parent, the similarities are overwhelming.

I asked for a virtual hug........I got it by the bucketload.
Thanks.

i think the worst thing is when they refuse outside help because they want t keep their independence. They don’t mind demanding dependence on the relative though. People become so selfish and self centred. Always complaining and never willing to part with their money for care.

Solidarity and unMumsnetty hugs to those travelling this road. I know there is always space at the Cockroach Cafe.

MIL is two months into the care home journey, bisected by two weeks in hospital with pneumonia, where they gave her a 50/50 chance of survival.

We are still adjusting to the care home regime, and are lucky that she is fairly close to us now; she used to be 2 hours away in rush hour. Be kind to yourself, and don't always feel the need to rush in to solve everything immediately someone calls about something. That wore us out until we learned to keep filling the empty jug. Some things just work out naturally too; many people at MIL's sheltered housing took items of furniture, meaning we had less to try and regime here/donate to charity/recycle when she moved.

There will be ongoing issues. DH has just come off a call with social services where they have denied that the person who called us about her DOLS exists. So we've now called the care home manager to ask for her help. If needed, I would wholeheartedly recommend Dementia UK, who have been a great source of information and really supportive.

Deep breath. We hear you.