82 year old grandmother with health issues has booked a holiday with her friend who has suspected dementia to spain

[LovingLurker]

My lovely grandmother who I am very close to has booked a holiday to Spain with her friend who lives next door and has been her best friend for many years. Her friend is seeing people in her home at night that are not there and forgetting things. Her son her told the doctors and she is has an appointment she thinks is for. A check up but is try and start the process of seeing if she has dementia or what’s wrong with her,My grandmother has several health issues mobility issues and a really bad leg ulcer that won’t heal, we have taken her abroad with us and take her on holiday where we are there to support, something always goes wrong , and every time she forgets some medication, such as forgetting insulin while and only realising on a cruise ship. She is on heavy medication such as a high dose of morphine too. We really don’t feel this trip is a good idea , but they paid deposit and are admiment in going despite all this. I am sure they won’t get any form of mobile to work either as they both struggle.
she said she will ask doctor if she is okay to go ? Do I call doctor with my concerns, do I just let them go ? I will also be 39 weeks pregnant and my mother her daughter is here supporting us with my toddler if I go into labour , I’m so concerned if something goes wrong we won’t be in the right set up to help her.

This is a lovely compromise, you are a great DGD.

She wouldn’t be able to organise insurance after the event though?

I think she meant organising the insurance paperwork and talking to companies ect as that’s still usually a lot of work :)

She's 82 with health problems her friend doesn't sound too good either , let them go and have an adventure

That sounds like a lovely thought
Except for when OP is expected to sort things out when/if they go wrong while managing a toddler and being PG or having a newborn.
Its obviously causing OP a lot of stress and I imagine she will be even more stressed if they are there and she gets a phone call or even waiting for a phoen call.
OP knows better than us how much help her Grandma needs and throw another old lady (possibly with dementia) into the mix as well and I can't see how it would be anything other than a disaster.

You mean the kind of adventure that potentially ends in serious illness or even - heaven forbid - death abroad, inadequate insurance, panic and distress and OP unable to help because she's in the middle of giving birth?
Top plan, seriously. 🙄

So is your Gm fully insured for this holiday?

Insurance for a cruise is WAY more expensive than for a traditional hotel holiday, due to the costs of potentially having to get you off by helicopter in an emergency. Have just been through this with parents in law.

OP, if she does decide she wants to go, but is going to ask the GP first, then I would absolutely call or email the GP to explain your concerns. They would almost certainly agree with you and the message might be better received coming from a doctor.

Make sure she has a GHIC card ... do it online. Hopefully she will see sense and not go.

Dementia is likely to be more pronounced in a strange environment.

She's 82 and old enough to make her own decisions.The op should make it perfectly clear that shes not in any position to help should anything go wrong and that GM will have to rely on her insurance company to assist.
I personally think it's bloody marvellous that an 82 year old still wants to travel abroad and enjoy herself -let's face it she's probably not going to be jumping of a balcony in ibiza after a few to many cocktails,drinking de icer thinking it's local vodka or driving a moped wearing shorts and no helmet!

Absolutely this.

@Thunderingfanjoyou never know 😂I do like thinking of them this way . I did ask her what she wanted to go for Spain for anyway and she said “well just because I’m elderly doesn’t mean I don’t want to see the world” I did have a chuckle. I do think it’s great she has so much life in her I just worry is all

They need good insurance, which might be prohibitive, but I can't believe the number of people who think they should stop living because they're old and potentially ill.

No she was very capable and nothing ever did arise. Holidays were a great pleasure for her (in later life - grew up during the war and never had any then!) and she did them up till her final cancer diagnosis.
I would want her to have sorted out watertight insurance but how she lives her life is up to her.

Eggtoastie · Today 04:23

I can't imagine having the nerve to tell my dm at 82 what she could or couldn't do.

I certainly could, in the sure knowledge that if the proverbial hits the fan then it would undoubtedly fall to the OP and her mother to sort out the ensuing mess and get granny safely home.

It’s all very well OP saying she can’t help if anything goes wrong, but if it did then she is hardly going to step away and do nothing to help her. Sadly the reality is it could cost thousands if DGran or her friend end up in hospital and the insurance isn’t valid. I say that as someone who loves travelling myself, I might feel differently if OP wasn’t so due to give birth.

I do think going somewhere in the UK is a much more sensible idea, because even if something does happen the NHs exists everywhere here so they would be fine for any immediate medical needs.

Well this is it , I’m not exactly going to leave her stranded with no support ,

@Saveafuni don’t think she should stop traveling , like I said we have taken her in last few years to Greece, Spain , a cruise , Chichester , the Lake District and we are taking her to Northumberland in June . I just understand her needs and the amount of support she needs so take her to do all those things given her multiple health conditions. In the 2 past week she has fallen asleep twice with food on the stove , and her friend is hallucinating people and not showing for appointments . I just want them to have fun safely .

@Terrribletwosif she decides to go I will sort out the insurance for her to make sure she is

Her friend sounds like more a cause for concern unfortunately. As others have said with the dementia she will be much worse out of her usual place and routine and your DGM doesn’t sound able to look after herself never mind someone else.

I would look into who she is travelling with, and where she is staying. Contact them to flag up disabilities and they will provide whatever they can in assistance. For example airport special assistance will meet them, get them on the plane and off the other end to their transfer...hotel assistance may ensure they have a single point of contact should they need any signposting during their stay. Think about the touch points and cover what you can. I'm afraid that's all you can do.

She is an adult and has capacity, therefore the right to make a decision no matter how unwise. However difficult that may be for you I'm afraid you have no right to intervene. Her friend with likely dementia also still has capacity, as the law says it's decision and person specific. They can both have a holiday if they want a holiday.

I say that with kindness and empathy, with real experience of how upsetting it is to have to watch someone you love take horrible risks.

Good luck, and I will pray for their safe return!

It’s pretty normal for people with dementia to fail to understand that there’s anything wrong with them - and it’s not usually ‘denial’ - the fact is that at any given moment they can’t remember that they can’t remember anything.
Can you tell I’ve had (far too much) experience?
I certainly wouldn’t take anyone with dementia symptoms away - as a pp said, a change of routine/environment can really throw them.
We took my DM away on a really nice holiday shortly before the first signs - no way would I have taken her afterwards.

You sound like a lovely family - oriented person and a really responsible, thoughtful person
Ideas for other holidays - she might look at Saga holidays, whose main market is elderly people. Or coach tours in the UK. We sent my elderly father-in-law and his girlfriend on a deluxe coach tour of the Scottish Highlands and Islands. It included hotels along the way, ferries, tours of whisky distilleries, sightseeing... Most of the other people were adventurous seniors too, and they had a great time.