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Elderly parents

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Original poster

MIL help

18 replies

Scrabsqueak · 04/04/2025 07:43

I would like to start by saying I love and admire my MIL.
My DH(her son) died four years age, closely followed by my FIL. Two months ago, her other son, my BIL, died. He was her ‘carer’ though not in a legal way, ie no power of attorney etc, he just lived with her and dealt with everything. His death was very quick and unexpected.
He named me as his sole beneficiary, but there are issues with the will. In the meantime MIL has become ill and spent 4 weeks in hospital, being released this week back home, to live downstairs with no bathroom, only a commode, no bed only a couch and carers 4 times a day who won’t shop for her. Or can’t.
I live 400 miles away in Scotland, she lives in England.
I am really struggling to ensure she is cared for at least the bare minimum. I cannot arrange food deliveries as she cannot get out of her chair to bring them in. I am trying to coordinate with carers, but work in a job where I cannot just phone during day, and they only work office hours. I am trying to arrange a Whoosh delivery today during a scheduled carers visit, but it is all very time dependent, I am crossing my fingers.
i am at my wits end what to do.

OP posts:

DisplayPurposesOnly · 04/04/2025 07:51

Someone with experience will come along with some proper advice, but in the meantime...

Food supermarkets should bring deliveries in (to the kitchen) if asked. Someone still has to let them in and put it away though. Try ringing customer service to find out how to flag an elderly customer if it's not obvious online.

Does your employer have a policy around caring for dependents that you can invoke?

Are adult social services involved?

Would your MIL consider moving to a care home? One near you?

jambunny · 04/04/2025 07:58

You may have searched for this in the area already, but where I live there are “helping hands” type of services who will do things like food shop/meal prep/cleaning. Maybe ask on a local social media page for recommendations if you can’t find any online. Obviously make sure they’re genuine/cbs checked etc.

jambunny · 04/04/2025 08:00

Also as PP said, care homes do respite care, so maybe look into getting her in somewhere for a few weeks if it’s a temporary thing that she will likely recover from.

Tourist29 · 04/04/2025 08:05

You sound like you were and are part of a caring family. I would call social services adult care in her area for an assessment- you can do an on line referral in my area. I don’t have the exact same situation but have found a surprising amount of support is available in my area. Good luck, you’ve been through a lot.

SleepingisanArt · 04/04/2025 08:07

When an elderly relative, who lives alone, was discharged after a long hospital stay AgeUk went in for a few weeks to help with shopping. Relative gave them a list and cash (doesn't do cards) and they went off to the shop returning with shopping, change and receipts. AgeUK are a charity so its a free service for a limited time but they can also point you in the right direction for help with shopping and even just company (all vetted). If AgeUK don't have a listing at the hospital just contact the nearest branch to your MIL.

P00hsticks · 04/04/2025 09:01

For meals, you could perhaps have a look to see if there is a 'Meals on Wheels' service near you, where a volunteer will delivery a hot daily meal - that significantly reduces the amount of shopping needed, and works if the person is no longer able to manage to cook or heat up meals for themselves.

Original poster

Scrabsqueak · 04/04/2025 19:29

Thank you so much for all suggestions
I cannot look into getting her anywhere I’m afraid, she has absolute capacity mentally, just not physically. That is the reason for no upstairs living or bed downstairs, she does not want it.
Age UK were involved but require her to reconfirm, she will not.
social services are involved, she was released from hospital into their care, this is where we are.
I am aware I sound very negative. I feel it.
thank you all again, I will revisit and check I have not missed something.

OP posts:

Walkacrossthesand · 04/04/2025 21:15

Sounds like she’s got the kind of ‘capacity’ which leads to her refusing workable solutions and causing great stress and worry to those trying to help her. How does she think this will play out, do you know?

Powderblue1 · 04/04/2025 23:25

If you get Morrisons deliveries through Amazon prime they leave them at the front door bagged up and they can be brought in when someone arrives and is there to help. They do same day deliveries too

Original poster

Scrabsqueak · 05/04/2025 05:57

@Walkacrossthesand such a good question, she only says she doesn’t know, she just wants things to go back to how they were. This obviously does not move us forward.
This may be a drip feed, one of the main shopping items she needs is cigarettes. Regardless of my own feelings about smoking, she is an adult living in her own home and can smoke if she chooses to, but this also makes deliveries hard if unattended as age restricted. Carers won’t buy them.
The delivery I got yesterday, should have included them, they didn’t come, not available. She didn’t care about the food that came, or the trouble it had caused me to arrange it, just went off on one about the fags and eventually got a friend of her sons to come round and buy her some. He said he had 3 missed calls from her in an hour so was v worried! Obviously he can’t do that every time she runs out.
I really do feel for her, her life has been altered completely in a very short space of time and she’s bereaved and angry.
Shes 87, this is not how she saw her end of life. But I’m also incredibly frustrated with her, she is just blaming everyone else and will not allow us to help her (except to buy messages…and fags)

OP posts:

Ilovethewild · 05/04/2025 07:06

You need to get on to SS as shopping is something that should be on the care plan, have you see it?
if it is then the carers shop for what she wants, regardless of whether they want to or not. It’s a paid job.

if not then alert SS as someone needs to be buying what she needs.

obviously you can order meals to be delivered but fags needs a person to buy.

also

if her mobility is so bad she can’t do stairs, SS will need to sort a bed downstairs for her. Is it long term or short term needs for downstairs?

care packages from hospital usually reviewed after 6 weeks.

ensure you are in on any reviews

sometimes people need to be shown that something won’t work b4 they will consider other options, she may have been offered other help and refused (as is her right)

definitely get on to age uk too for further advice

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/04/2025 08:42

I would inform her council's adult social care department that you can do no more due to distance but wish to be kept informed. I was not altogether surprised to read about her reaction to the shopping without the delivery of cigarettes; I know of several other elderly smokers who thought the self same. Cigarettes was all they really cared about.

BunnyRuddington · 12/04/2025 09:13

If she has capacity but refuses to think through the logical steps of things like refusing the bed or not engaging with Age UK them sometimes you have to accept they having capacity means that she’s free to make decisions, even ones that are very obviously poor and sometimes detrimental.

If a DF is willing to sort out cigarettes I would personally bow out of buying them. A DF did this with her much loved DM only it was booze. She did everything else for her just refused to get any alcohol. I’d be tempted to say the same here, just made it plain. It’s hard but you are not responsible for her addictions, it sounds like you gave enough to deal with like the obvious grief and doing other things for her.

Mosaic123 · 12/04/2025 10:03

Live in carer? They could sleep upstairs.

They get time off and they might not get on but sell it to her as a trial for a month?

This could solve many of the problems.

If she has enough money for this of course.

TammyJones · 12/04/2025 11:55

Walkacrossthesand · 04/04/2025 21:15

This.
Drop the rope.
You can not move in and replace bil - which is the only way things ‘can go back to normal’
sometimes you just have to let reality hit, before the older person sees sense.

BunnyRuddington · 12/04/2025 20:06

TammyJones · 12/04/2025 11:55

This.
Drop the rope.
You can not move in and replace bil - which is the only way things ‘can go back to normal’
sometimes you just have to let reality hit, before the older person sees sense.

Show quote history

I agree. It’s a very popular MN saying, especially in this section, but you really do need to drop the rope.

Once things are not going her way she may start to accept more help.

Original poster

Scrabsqueak · 15/04/2025 19:59

Well, am off to visit tomorrow, meeting with solicitors and social workers, none of which impressed MIL at all, but I had to warn her. Is now saying a nursing/ care home might be best, so hopefully we can move all this forward a bit.
Thank you all for your advice, it has been very helpful, it seems ‘dropping the rope’ is not something I’m good at, but will try harder.

OP posts:

BunnyRuddington · 16/04/2025 07:23

Scrabsqueak · 15/04/2025 19:59

It really is difficult. As Women we are conditioned from a young age to care for others. Sometimes though, it’s the kindest thing to do.

I hope today goes well. My experience with my DMIL was that once she’d moved to a home we were able to spend quality time with her instead of fire fighting all of the things that being home alone and not coping throws up.

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