Caring for once abusive parents

[Angels1111]

Has anyone been in this position? We've been treading carefully for years, keeping at arms length so they can't perpetuate the abuse. But they need more now.
Abuse is mostly verbal/emotional/emotional blackmail. Eg hitting self on head and threatening to kill self if we disobeyed. Was physical as a child but I don't think it'd go there now.

How do you protect yourself? I'm falling to bits with the increased contact. Feel so triggered

Yes I think I'll tap into all of this for them ...the less contact the better

It's really helpful to have it listed out like this thanks

They don't see it as abuse. They see it as ...they put food on the table, put us through school, took us to activities, paid for stuff... The emotional stuff is generational and cultural and they don't realise people can actually behave differently and not e.g. threaten suicide every time they feel distressed or expect their children to make big life decisions based on their preferences etc

Life the "make the right noises"

Oh I love this. I wish I had access to forums like this as a teen to know this was an option (and that there was help out there for me too!) I had noone to talk to.
Now, I don't think they would threaten self harm, although I am definitely keeping this at the forefront of my mind just in case....but would say stuff like "your behaviour has made us ill" or "it's knocked 10 years off our lives" etc
(Said "behaviour" being marrying someone of a different skin colour....)

No problem. Age UK have a good helpline should you need further help. Your local Age UK might have good resources.

OP, I don’t have experience of abusive parents, but have recently been a carer for my dad who died. It made me think how hard that was to do when you have a good relationship- my dad was difficult, and offensive due to dementia, but I had a good previous relationship with him to draw on. I used to think that I couldn’t imagine having to do this if you had been badly treated by your parents - I’ve got friends in this position, I’m sure many people have. I strongly agree with the advice on this thread. I don’t feel anyone should be bullied/ obliged into caring.

I was fortunate that when my abusive mum needed care, it was a sudden and severe incident (a massive disabling stroke) that meant that there's no way that we could provide care. She was furious that neither of us siblings would take her in, but it was literally impossible given the scale of her disability, and all the professionals involved told her that it wasn't an option.

So she had to stay in a care facility, and our involvement was minor (brief weekly visits and bits of shopping).

I wouldn't wish her kind of stroke on anyone, but I have to say that it saved us a world of pain.

So my advice is to step right back. Get all the care services involved that you can, and be honest with Adult Social Care. I actually broke down talking to the social worker. I felt that I had to explain why my brother and I weren't going to be facilitating her care, and everything just spilled out. Stuff I'd never told anyone. The social worker was wonderful

It would be a big fat nope from me if my step dad died and my dm needed care. Although he’s a lot older than her and a few years ago he nearly died and it sent me into a panic to think she would want me at her beck and call 24/7. She was abusive to me all my life and last year I finally decided enough was enough and I walked away from all that side of my family who became her flying monkeys. She’s only 17 years older than me so probably will be around for a long time but im not doing it. It makes me feel sick just to think about it. She’s never learned to drive and is still working part time but my step dad is her lackey and she has other family members roped in now when she puts on the hard luck stories.

I hear you...
As said above, lots of practical things you can sort out at arm's length without contact or much stress involved once set up - either online, or engaging local service providers. Just make sure that parents don't use reimbursing you (or not) as leverage.

For times when you have to be in contact, grey rock techniqe (or yellow rock may suit your situation better) can be very helpful.

I am in the same position and it's awful, exhausting, guilt inducing, triggering and full of if onlys and " but they're my parents, this isn't how it should bes"

I am doing what I need to do and also falling apart in the process. I don't have an answer I'm afraid but I do want to say that I completely understand.

It's very easy and well meaning for people who haven't had abusive parents to say don't get involved etc but, at least for me, it's not that simple. I'm programmed to say yes and put them before me. I'm working on not doing that but it is so so difficult when I've been wired by them to jump when they say jump.

Please take care of yourself and if you can reduce contact then please do it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I identify completely. Please look after yourself

I know this thread is a few weeks old now, but just wanted to come on and say:

(a) @Angels1111 you are not alone and the cultural pressure/expectations on women specifically (Indian or otherwise) is immense. I have been going through the same over the past 9 months and it has been brutal. Not just from the parent in question, but the wider family network. Do what you need to, to protect yourself. What you describe as self harm is not normal behaviour in any culture, nor is it acceptable. Your parents issues are not your issues. Get as much formal support in as you can. And speak to the Social care team early. My relatives social work team and nursing support have been brilliant. It didn't/ hasn't stopped the wider family issues though.

(b) @hindsightcarer am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I can't imagine the level of distress this leaves you in. Please look after yourself and if you need to move your parent into another care setting then do this.

I started being more honest with others about my parents not being nice. Stopped the perfect, we're normal pretence.
There's lots of slightly off the hook phrases
I guess you only get one set of parents
I'm not the daughter they wanted but I have done my best.
I started gradually, but it really helped.

I wouldn’t be caring for them.