Caring for once abusive parents

[Angels1111]

Has anyone been in this position? We've been treading carefully for years, keeping at arms length so they can't perpetuate the abuse. But they need more now.
Abuse is mostly verbal/emotional/emotional blackmail. Eg hitting self on head and threatening to kill self if we disobeyed. Was physical as a child but I don't think it'd go there now.

How do you protect yourself? I'm falling to bits with the increased contact. Feel so triggered

Send them links to outside agencies.. Speak to the local council... No way will I be helping dps I haven't seen for 25 years plus.....
Put yourself first op.. You owe them nothing.

I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds very difficult.

What kind of help do they need? Have they had a needs assessment?

I think you have to revert to professional care. Either drop.in sessions, live in or a care home.

I care for my Dad who was a lovely, patient, and kind man. But dementia has changed him and it is extremely challenging. I'm still OK but I know if had a very different personality and my upbringing more difficult that I'd probably be unable to.

I also think very strong characters (which Dad wasnt) seem to be more difficult as they get older.

I would say that external help will be needed to not break you.

Drop the rope. Step away. Not your problem to solve.

The minute I read your thread title I had one word: don’t.

You have no obligation to them. Put yourself first.

They were not just abusive in the past, they are STILL abusers . People don’t suddenly have personality transplants in old age ( unless it’s dementia as FeelingStrange2 says, or severe mental illness ).

Physical frailty might stop physical abuse but it won’t stop other types . If anything , they will ramp up as their need to control others gets greater.

Do not put yourself in the firing line. Inform social services and step back.

Your parents are reaping what they have sown.

Name changed for this one.

I’m in the same boat, and hesitantly agreed for DM to move in after receiving a 6 month, terminal diagnosis (and being so broke/stubborn she wouldn’t have paid for, or accepted, enough care)

Its now been 5 years, she’s as abusive as she ever was, she keeps getting worse so I’m hanging on ‘til the end’ but mentally I’m absolutely screwed and wished I’d never gotten involved. I cry at least once a day, everything is a trigger, it’s had an impact on my career and relationships. If I could go back, I absolutely would help support putting external help in place, and left her to it. Maybe I’m projecting but I feel a lot of what I saw as her ‘not being able to cope’ and needing help to sort things out, was actually just her way of getting me involved in her life again.

I won't be helping my abusive mum. I helped when my dad was in hospital. She's physically fit but likes people doing things for her. It brought it all back what she's like behind closed doors and wrecked my mental health. I wont be helping in future. I have the advantage that I don't give a flip what her flying monkeys think about it. Just as they probably wouldn't care if they knew what I suffered from her as a child.
Life's too short. Losing my dh in his 40s hammered that home. She'll probably outlive me as I take after my grandmother who died at 60.

Don’t do it - you really do not have to expose yourself to abuse just because they are your parents.

Give them links to their local social services team so they can figure out a care plan themselves which does not involve you.

I absolutely wouldn’t involve myself. The appropriate authorities will make sure they are taken care of. Not your circus.

Why on earth would you even consider supporting people who have been abusive to you?

Please, do not feel compelled to help these people.

Thanks everyone. I think it's a cultural thing that makes me feel compelled to try and get over it. I am Indian and traditionally parents would live in a joint household (we do not). I see all of my friends care for their parents with similar views / control issues and wonder why I can't do it. I think my friends must tune it all out or something. They don't need anything specific just a general decline in health which means they can't get around as easily as they used to for shopping /errands...find technology a bit flumoxxing, hard to run the house etc.

I understand that going against the grain of a strong cultural obligation is difficult. But do you think it's wrong that people should feel obliged to serve their abusers? If you do, the culture has to change, and that means people need to be brave enough to stand up and change it.
Do you want your children's generation to be slaves to this cultural obligation too? If not, your generation will have to stop it. You can do this.
Personally I wouldn't be shy about explaining why to anyone who asked (or hinted) why I wasn't helping.

Not sure if it's funny but I am seeing ads for coffins on this thread.

Such a difficult question because noone cares for anyone like family do.

Are you in the UK? If so then a lot can be organised without you needing to be there.

Weekly grocery delivery
Medication delivered
Cleaners/gardener
Carers
Laundry can be sent out
Taxi

Cultural obligation is just psychological pressure in another guise. Do not compare your situation to anyone else's. Every situation is unique, although may have common elements.

You are under no obligation to do this. Do not sacrifice yourself. There are professionals who can do this, let them.

How do you protect yourself?

Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Whether that’s a low contact or no contact.

eg 1 they threaten self harm or blackmail or whatever. You end the conversation immediately, leave the room/their house etc

eg 2 you feel drained and miserable and triggered talking to them - shorten the conversation, do them less often eg once a week instead of every day, or once a month instead of every week.

The main thing is for you to take control. Not them. If they don’t like your boundaries - well that’s too bad. What are they going to do? Complain? So what. Get angry or insulting - end the conversation immediately. Give you the silent treatment - that’s fine as it will suit you. Btw, any abuse from them, including blackmail and threats is a perfectly good reason to go no contact.

Every parent – adult daughter relationship is different. So it’s hard for others to say definitively on a board like this. Only you can decide how to work this through for yourself, If you need a therapist to help you, it might make things easier. Be strong. Look after you.

Don't do it. If they ask why, tell them.

Your parents lost all right to expect care from you when they treated you abusively, both as a chid and as an adult. Culture does not absolve them of that. Your friends tune it out, you say? Why shpuld they though? And why should you?

Not your problem , and I hope you don't let anyone guilt you into feeling like you should help. As pps have said, you should outsource it all at your parents expense. They should have thought of this while abusing their children.

Just make the right noises but keep them at arms length & dont actually do anything or inconvenience yourself.

Lots of good advice here.

Another tactic would be to take their threats of self-harm absolutely seriously and say that you will need to contact their GP/social services /the police as they are threatening to hurt themselves or worse.

Don't use it as a threat. Mean it and be prepared to follow through.

You might find they stop at that point.

I cleaned my father's disgusting house and ordered him a weekly shop which would rot on the side. Sorted carers who could do nothing as he refused. Finally got him into a home when he fell - he resisted, to the degree that the public guardian became involved. My hands and knees started shaking when I would go to visit. So I stopped. I still feel guilty at time, but overall know I did the right thing.

No I'd hate anyone to be strongarmed/emotionally blackmailed like this. You're right I need to set an example