Elderly mother :-(

[KellylikesCoffee]

Where to start, having a lot of problems with my elderly mum, my dad died a couple of years ago and she just can’t accept it at all, all she did when he was alive was complain about having to care for him and that she had ‘no life’ anymore, she’s in her late 80’s and despite having explained to her many times that it’s part of life, been there for her, listened and sympathised and tried to be positive, she is still indignant that he passed, like she doesn’t accept he was ill at all, she has always had a bit of a superiority complex and does not accept that her life isn’t like it was in her younger years.

I ring daily, she just complains about everything and a lot of emotional blackmail. It gets to the point where the conversation is pointless. She is just unrealistic about everything.

she can’t drive anymore due to her poor sight and sits around complaining about everything all the time, she makes no effort or shows any interest in socialising, I work abroad and am only in the country 6-7 times a year because of work, She is putting a lot of pressure on me to be there most of the time, I have a brother and sister lots of kids, one disabled so they have commitments understandably, though there good to mum but find the same problems with her. Just feeling very alone and emotional with it all.

sorry for for the long rant, just wondered if there are others out there like me?

I haven't experienced quite this, but I fully sympathise with the fixed thinking that you can't change. So stop trying. Let her be the way she is and think the way she thinks. Detach a little for your own sake. That might be phoning less often, and/or when she does complain just say"oh yes that's a shame" and change the subject.

@thedevilinablackdress

saw a counsellor last week, well a friend who does very generous rates as I couldn’t take advantage and they said that pretty much word for word! I felt very positive, then I go in all positive on the call and want to jump out of the window afterwards! 🙄 it’s great advice tho, I need to try harder, just a tough situation xx

One step at a time @KellylikesCoffee

Where does she live OP? Would she consider moving to a retirement complex for her twilight years? It has definitely been a positive move for several elderly widows in my family. It's not the same as a care home with all of those implications at all, but possibly a good idea to find a complex which has care facilities available if they become needed.

I sympathise. It's very hard to speak to your mother when everything is negative and you are expected to be their primary source of emotional support. I had decades of it and now my mother is no longer with us, I can't deny that I feel quite a lot of relief about it.

Mum is in the UK near Kent, unfortunately there isn’t the money to move to sheltered housing, she on a council list but haven’t heard from them in weeks, not to sound Meg but I gave up trying

You can approach housing associations such as Johnny Johnson to see what vacancies there are in supported living complexes, you don't need to be on a council waiting list. Two people I know have done this, first was given 3 vacant properties to look at and chose which they preferred, for obvious reasons there are frequent vacancies. Although I'm afraid it won't cure the negativity, I have a similar mother, never anything positive to say and very manipulative, it is totally draining. You have to put boundaries in place for your own mental health otherwise they will drag you down and make you ill.💐

I'll be honest, of course sheltered housing could be a great choice but I really wouldn't expect it to change her. There are only tiny shreds of things in this situation you can take forward positively - the main one being, it's not personal! Your siblings experience the same thing and perhaps can sympathise a bit with each other? This is just how she is, poor old thing.

This might be a situation for Mum Bingo where you make yourself a card of nine things she might say, and award yourself a special coffee or large glass of something if you 'win' a row or column.

Also you are allowed to be positive - if you can. Think of one positive thing you're going to tell her - even if it's the weather. She can give you an unrelenting barrage of negativity, you do her the favour of being a listening ear, you don't have to take on her worldview.

I would add that there's no need to ring daily! That's crazy. Your brother and sister and you between you can do a rota of checking in to make sure she's ok, and that only needs to be a two minute call too.

I would keep your longer chats to once a week. When she complains about it say "I'm not ringing to have you moaning at me every day mother!".

In a similar situation a tiny change I’ve made, is the keep scrolling on my IPad whilst I listen to her. Rude I know, but it just zones me out slightly and I can more or less just agree with her.

Often I don’t know the people she is talking about and the conversation isn’t a conversation, she just wants to talk. She rarely asks questions or shows any interest in me or my family.

My DM call with loads of negativity and problems which I try and make suggestions to solve. Most of them are not taken on, I don’t think she really wants them solving!

I deal with the calls by doing something else at the same time. She doesn't want my opinion or to know things about me/my children, she just wants to tell me, at length, who she's seen and what she's been doing. I mostly have never met the people she talks about and couldn't care less about them!

Getting my online shop done at the same time means I feel less resentful about my time being wasted and seems to fulfil her need to talk endlessly.

Not easy op. Theres 3 us she still moans. 80s. They have alot time on their hands too.. my friend does a rota they all phone. I think you can only do so much. I told her have my own house run too. No easy answers. My sisters call her

She needs someone to moan to so maybe you are that person. Annoying but you are probably helping without knowing it.

Massive sympathy from me op.
My dm never asks anything about me, my family, work, health...she just downloads all her complaints. She never rings me because it costs her money to call my mobile, but when I get a text - 'not urgent but can you phone me' my heart sinks a little bit.
I couldn't call every day - if I were you I'd definitely back off from that. Once or twice a week with a text daily to check in.
I know it must be tough getting older but I do wish my own dm would try to find a little joy in the remaining life she has - she's actually quite remarkable (92, still mobile and living in her own home) but she just whinges about what she can't do any more rather than appreciating what she still has.

I have to phone my mum daily as she doesn’t get free calls on her landline and doesnt want a mobile.

We talk about the same things. A lot. It’s sooo boring. But she likes it so I just do it further as she has no life. Her choice. No interest in socialising with anyone new, no church groups, nada. I’m her everything. No pressure then. I’m on tablets from the GP now it’s so stressful.

I sympathise @RentalWoesNotFun
I have a similarly isolated DM and I have to keep reminding myself it's not my responsibility, she chose to live that way. You can't be everything, you can't be entirely responsible for her happiness. I know it feels like that, because I do too. But it's not fair, realistic or sustainable.

It is hard op. Loads time on their hands too.. my sister does wed I call Sat. They have help themselves too. She begrudges our holidays too. Nightmare. Sometimes I worn out from it all. 83.