Needy mum

[Mumstruggles]

My mum is a very needy parent. Just to clarify she is not at all lonely. In fact she’s hardly ever in and is a very social butterfly but she strongly believes that she should see me a minimum of twice a week (if not more!) The thing is I find her company hard….she is extremely judgemental about EVERYONE and tends to sit and bitch about all her friends and even other family members. I have tried to avoid the ‘cups of tea endless bitchfest chats’ by suggesting a visit to the local garden centre or some shops but even then she still wants to grab a cuppa for a chat! Plus if I do ‘pop in’ she huffs if after an hour I want to shoot off! And if we do go out somewhere, she wants to be out all day! When I do eventually escape, she tries to book in her next session to see me and to be honest, as awful as it sounds, I’m exhausted!!! I just don’t get it…..I’m not like this with my own adult children. I see them as and when I see them!!! And if I don’t see them all week, I don’t fret about it as I know they have busy lives! She also loves to endlessly tell me how much her friends get to see their children, how good her friends children are looking after their parents….massive guilt trip every time! It just makes me want to see less of her :(.

Often the words “first post nails it” are very accurate. Sadly not in this case. In this case “first post shows a lack of emotional intelligence”.

Some are just needy like mine. My friend mam late 70s keeps her days busy lunch swims etc whereas mine needs hand held. It is hard going though if they needy

That Bethany Webster link/website is pretty good, thank you.

Here are a few quotes that struck me:-

📖

There is a misconception about self-sacrifice based on the residues of older generational beliefs that says:

• Martyrdom is admirable.
• Women are naturally happy to serve and care-take others.
• Women are not supposed to be vocal, willful, or assertive.
• Women who refuse compliments and are prone to self-deprecation are commendable and praiseworthy.

Each mother/daughter relationship is different. Each adult daughter in this situation must reflect and come to clarity on what she is and is not willing to do and accept in relation to her mother and to respectfully communicate that to her. It is an individual choice and it can take time to come to clarity. Ultimately, the daughter has to be loyal and true to herself first and foremost. Ironically, this is what every mother in her healthy state would want for her daughter: to be good to herself and do what is best for her.

One thing I have learned with certainty is not to stand in connection with those who diminish me. This is particularly difficult when family is involved, because we have a vested interest in perpetuating the family system for all kinds of different reasons.

But if you stay consistent with your boundaries over time, it’s possible that your mother may reluctantly learn to adapt to them. The most important thing is not how your mother reacts but the fact that you are taking this action for yourself, and for the sake of your greater health and well-being. When you communicate honestly, respectfully and with integrity, you can feel good about yourself no matter how your mother responds. You begin to embody your best self around your mother and this is very powerful.

….

Congratulate yourself on your courage and affirm that you are willing to do whatever it takes to honor yourself in all your relationships

ps. I am also a believer in therapy, if necessary, to help give us any support we need 🫂 🥰

@Pamspeople Thank you for replying. You’re absolutely right. I mustn’t worry about how my M is impacting my sister. I mean, she is impacting her a lot. But that is my sister’s relationship with her own mother and she must find her way as I have found mine. She does have a voice and she may have to use it rather than reluctantly going along with things. We have been so trained from being tiny to “be kind” to our mother. Things I said and did as a small child are still wheeled out multiple times a year to demonstrate how unkind I was to her. Yep you’re a victim of a foetus, a baby and a preschooler, yes you are mother. It’s so ridiculous when you write it in those terms. The emotional care taking she expects is to atone for these misdemeanours no doubt. And to demonstrate what a close family we are and she has no favourite child (uh huh) and we’re sooo straightforward, unlike those of her friends and extended family. Yeah right, definitely no skeletons in any closets at all. It’s exhausting. It’s the smugness that I couldn’t stand.

Sounds like my DM who I see/help once a week along with another extremely old relative but more and more keeps being asked of me. Once a week isn't enough either she says (I have no kids but my own home/pets/life and work full time. Now it's various little jobs creeping in plus buying shit she wants (not needs) all this tat did I mention she's a hoarder. 2 friends who she usually avoids seeing, no hobbies outside the home. Talks at me, can't keep voice at a calm level everything is a drama, visits drag out so don't get home until 7pm and too tired and drained to do anything else apart from eat dinner and fall asleep on the sofa by 9pm.

Why does she get to decide OP? She wants to see you twice a week but that doesn't mean you have to do it, or feel bad if you don't do it. You need better boundaries!

It's a completely different situation trying to space visits out from twice a week, compared with completely cutting contact!

I had a more distanced relationship with my dad for the last 12 years or so of his life. I spoke to him weekly and saw him evety few months. I wish the reasons for that hadn't existed, I wish that both of us had been different people, but I've never wished that I'd seen him more often.

Yes its hard. 80s. I manage once a week. Everyone works now. She hasnt much on in her week so it adds pressure..

Totally agree.
in real life if I was to act like that , people would actively avoid me.

Agree. My aunt is lovely late 80s. She said negative people are draining. They are. My mother is picky and negative.

I tried a couple of things with my mother.

I tried being really bland with nothing happening in my life and no views on anything - so really really boring. I

That didn’t work, so I tried the opposite - non stop complaining about EVERYTHING. Made out my life to be just one miserable moan fest so I could dominate every conversation. Made myself really boring in the opposite way - she wasn’t so keen after that.

sixtyandfabulousofcourse · 18/03/2025 13:07

She may have a lot to do, but your visits and times are different. You are her daughter, and one day, you will wish you had spent more time with her.
she may seem moany but being her daughter she can be herself

Oh stop it. She sounds like a complete pita. I wouldn’t want to spend time with her, either. People aren’t any more obligated to spend time with irritating, needy relatives than they are anyone else.

Yes you want to limit your time if they moany! Well I do anyway.. its draining

Ha ha
very funny.
so basically turned the tables and made it all about you.
Brilliant