Needy mum

[Mumstruggles]

My mum is a very needy parent. Just to clarify she is not at all lonely. In fact she’s hardly ever in and is a very social butterfly but she strongly believes that she should see me a minimum of twice a week (if not more!) The thing is I find her company hard….she is extremely judgemental about EVERYONE and tends to sit and bitch about all her friends and even other family members. I have tried to avoid the ‘cups of tea endless bitchfest chats’ by suggesting a visit to the local garden centre or some shops but even then she still wants to grab a cuppa for a chat! Plus if I do ‘pop in’ she huffs if after an hour I want to shoot off! And if we do go out somewhere, she wants to be out all day! When I do eventually escape, she tries to book in her next session to see me and to be honest, as awful as it sounds, I’m exhausted!!! I just don’t get it…..I’m not like this with my own adult children. I see them as and when I see them!!! And if I don’t see them all week, I don’t fret about it as I know they have busy lives! She also loves to endlessly tell me how much her friends get to see their children, how good her friends children are looking after their parents….massive guilt trip every time! It just makes me want to see less of her :(.

She may have a lot to do, but your visits and times are different. You are her daughter, and one day, you will wish you had spent more time with her.
she may seem moany but being her daughter she can be herself

Needy mum? Actuallly sounds like a domineering mother, imposing her demands on you without any thought for your wishes.

Your last sentence says “you want to see less of her”.

How can you make that happen?

It’s by saying no and enforcing boundaries, whatever her objections might be and however unpleasantly she raises them.

It is that simple. But you have to have clarity and determination to do this.

PS. To my mind it is her sulky reactions and demands that are creating “guilt”. I’m not clear why you should feel guilty otherwise. I have also wondered in the past if in some casesguilt is actually another word for fear, fear of offending someone. As you haven’t done anything wrong, I don’t see why you should feel guilty.

I really hate it when replies just seek to make the OP feel worse, when there is no reason to do that. It sounds like the OP won't ever wish she'd spent more time with her DM, because her DM is actually not very pleasant company!!

It's hard having a needy relative, it can make you feel very drained. She shouldn't be guilty tripping you or pressuring you to do things you don't want to do, it's manipulative.

On the other hand, lots of people have a moan or a "gossip" inside intimate relationships. It doesn't necessarily make them a bad person. We're kind of obsessed with that nowadays. That anyone who expresses anything outside of "accepted" ways of thinking or talking is "wrong" and should be "put right" . I couldn't get too hung up about my own mother having a little bitch fest about her friends. I might roll my eyes internally, but it wouldn't make me feel I needed to exit and avoid her.

You're an adult and a busy one presumably. I think once per week Is more than acceptable. I'd just ignore her little digs and carry on doing what you're happy with. If she makes a more outright comment, then you can put her straight!

My SIL mother did this to her. It's horrible and reeks of self absorption. I can't get around the fact that she thinks it is OK to force people into spending time with her. Does she have no idea that her constant moaning and bitching make people not want to be there ? You would think they would be nice and pleasant and gracious. If you try to guilt trip people what do you achieve - a reluctant and unhappy visitor .

No, I wish I'd spent less time with my folks. Dad's gone and mum might outlive me.

how old is she? Does she actually need anything or is she just moaning and wanting company?

My mother is 86. Unbelievably, after a couple of strokes, a number of falls etc she's reaching the point where she is physically better - so bored she's starting to... not bitch about people, she wouldn't do that...but she has nothing to talk about except other people. And she focuses on really stupid things.

So having had a nervous breakdown trying to care for her, she now wants my time and company just to sit there and talk about nothing!

I'm managing because I finally put down boundaries. But you really need to get these down as soon as possible.

I am trying very hard just to pop in and make sure that she's okay, but she gets upset when I leave after three painful hours and says "are you leaving already?"

I'm pretending to have plans that I don't have, to justify the shorter visits. She has domestic help now so really I'd rather see her less often. Feels like a terrible waste of time.

I'd like to cut back to once a week but I tried it and she seems even more moany and miserable if I do that.

really think about the risk of this going on for years. It's not a good way to live. Set boundaries and be ready to constantly re-state them.

She's not helping herself by behaving the way she is and the first reply was unhelpful too. You sound as though you're trying you're best and quite within your rights to scale it back if you need to. My mil is like your dm, it doesn't matter how much time I spend it's 'never enough' so it has actually made me scale back as she'll never be happy. She too is a perpetual whinger and bitcher about everyone she knows and hates that I won't join in with her. Just do what you can and scale back as much as you need to.

What nonsense. The wants of someone at the end of their life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs. Do what you want, and if that involves seeing her less then so be it.
My mum was killed suddenly and prematurely in an accident and never once have I wished I’d spent more time with her. And we got on fine but saw each other rarely. Ridiculous way to think.

I hate guilt tripping 'oh you'll be sorry when they've gone' posts like yours. Posters come out with this sentimental claptrap even on threads where the OP is describing a completely disfunctional and often abusive relationship with a parent. OP says she is exhausted and she shouldn't feel obliged to be at her mum's beck and call when she gets no enjoyment out of these visits.

Hate this crap too ah she wont be there forever😑. We on week 3 of me being blanked because she didnt get her own way. 80s. Op they have too much time to be plotting. Im tired it. Took a step back. For now anyway

This could go years.. so yes good boundaries needed.

You may live and conduct your relationships with others through “guilt” as a motive, but don’t impose and project your negative attitudes and feelings onto others. It’s snarky and disrespectful.

my post was not through guilt but experience. I stopped contact for 3 years with my mum due to a misunderstanding, I did not know my mum would die within 3 years once I did speak to her. It was said not through my guilt or harshness but through experience

Oh I'm feeling for you here OP. There has to be something positive for both sides in any healthy relationship. Just come back from yet another thankless visit to my own elderly mum and I'm so concerned that this could continue for many years to come. Start by having a couple of weeks off. Keep it vague, exhaustion etc. Then set your ground rules. Brief breezy visits with afternoons out once a month max. Prioritise your own peace OP. Don't allow a selfish, needy parent to take over your life.

Just start going once a week and if she doesn’t like it, tell her you’re very busy. Don’t let her bully you, older people can be very selfish.
On a practical level, could you take her to the cinema so she won’t be able to moan?

Mine does this, but to everyone. I think she thinks it's making conversation? So she circulates, bitching to person B and person A, then onto talking to person C about person B. I used to cope by having some kind of craft project on the go so I'd put all my energy into that and mostly zone her out. Then I caught her out bitching about my amazing DH to one of her friends and saw the light about who is important in my life.

Put some boundaries in. Only you know how much spare time you have to waste on listening to this stuff. I've now got mine down to 3-4 visits a year and a weekly phone call. The phone call has the advantage that I can do something else at the same time. But I've got a demanding full time job and children at primary school so very little spare time to waste on listening to negative opinions about others.

Still get lots of moaning about it (see username!) but I'm a lot happier! She doesn't seem any less happy than she was before.

That’s your experience of regret or guilt or whatever it was about what you did. Don’t project it onto the OP, whom you showed zero empathy or understanding towards.

Yep. Mine was a champion moaner, liked to have a “chat” but that meant her monologuing at me, and it was always dreadful negative stuff, spiteful things about other people that they didn’t deserve and endless self pity. Everything had a negative spin put on it. It wears you down. I went very low contact with her in the end, and now she’s gone I absolutely don’t wish I’d spent more time subjecting myself to that misery.

Thank you to everyone for your replies….its helpful to hear everyone’s opinions as I tend to fixate and spiral on my conversations with my mum and not being able to please her! I hate to think of her in a negative light too which doesn’t help with my guilt :(. But she is so demanding. And I’m at my wits end as to how to keep up with her demands/pleas for my time. I text my eldest daughter earlier about meeting up and haven’t heard anything back but wouldn’t dream of giving her earache about not getting back to me as I know she is super busy with her own job/life. I give my mum plenty of attention in my personal opinion but it never seems to be enough for her. I honestly have spent all day worrying and analysing my text conversations with my mum about our next catch up as whatever I suggest doesn’t suit her needs and she is just humpy with me. I can only imagine what she is saying to others!!!!

You want to see less of her op. So see less of her! Be less available, see her less, take calls less. You’ll be happier. Just ask yourself So what. So what if she moans to others. This could go on for years op, and likely will and will get worse if you don’t put in boundaries now. So do so.

You're not responsible for meeting all your mother's emotional needs

www.bethanywebster.com/blog/mothers-pain/

Stop trying to meet her expectations! Just stop, OP. You will have to build your capacity to tolerate her sulks, guilt trips or whatever she does to keep you in line. Your time and your preferences for how you spend it are important!

@Pamspeople Thank you so much for posting that link to the Bethany Webster website. It’s covers just the things I’m wrestling with at the moment. Namely guilt at being much happier and healthier since I went low contact with my difficult mother. It has made my M much less happy though. She has transferred her expectations on to my sister who could do without it so I am feeling guilty about that too! My M and S would be much much happier with the status quo which I just can’t go back to. I am, now I’m more at a distance from it, wondering if it was that bad and I was overreacting but my change in health speaks for itself. It is so difficult. I have put up with it all for decades though. Do I get to put myself first ever?

I'm glad if it was helpful, I love the way she writes about the relationship many of us adult women have with our mothers. It's hard work but it gets easier with time to create some healthy emotional distance and cherish our own lives and needs. Your sister must learn her own way in her own time. Make sure you don't transfer your sense of responsibility from your mum's feelings to your sister's!