I'm in my mid 30s and getting divorced. Provided a level of support to my mum, who was a single mother, my whole life, initially due to mental issues then physical. This intensified during the pandemic and due to my marriage falling apart and therapy to understand how codependent and unhealthy my relationship with my mother has been, I've backed off. I still help where I can but don't enjoy spending time with her currently. She keeps trying to tell me what to do and controlling me and I find it exhausting. I want to be able to make my own decisions.
She is my only family member and really the only person that loves me. This has cracked me open somewhat, realising that she is all I have. I have a reasonable bunch of friends but they have their own lives.
There is a course I would like to do in a neighbouring country that could lead to me going away for up to two months at a time over the course of eight months. I would be back for six weeks in between each session. I have never done anything like this in my life and I would really like to do it. I am scared but good scared.
My mum said that she didn't want me to go but admitted that it was selfish of her. She said I should wait until she has died, but her condition is volatile enough that she could die tomorrow or in ten years, by which point I'll be approaching 50. She has enough money to get the help she needs but I feel incredibly guilty. If she died while I was away I know I would feel incredibly guilty. But what about my life? What about what I want? I've always put others first and never had freedom. I felt like I would have nothing left when she was gone, especially now my husband has gone, and I need to have my own existence. Our relationship is not good just now but we were very close.
Can anyone offer any words of comfort here. I have no idea what to do but I feel resentful and sad.