Difficult childhood...parents now need a lot of help.

[IsItAllMenopause]

Hi, just after any general advice or experience of this. I had an emotionally and physically abusive childhood due to my dad's explosive temper. I have had therapy for this and still have a relationship with both parents.
Both parents are now needing more help. My siblings are not getting very involved mainly due to distance/work/family commitments.
How do I stay sane whilst providing help for them?

I couldn’t care for my parents because they hadn’t cared for me, it’s something society is only just starting to allow itself to see

Decide on what you can do that helps them and doesn't overburden you. E.g. organising weekly food delivery for them, finding a good taxi service to take them to and from appointments. Also work out what most drains you and don't do it. Ring fence certain hours for work or study or hobbies etc that cannot be shifted. Book holidays and weekends away and do not shift them.

Were your parents abusive?

Thank you everyone. I am very grateful for everyone's responses and for reminding me that I do have choices. I will have a look at the book recommendation up thread.

Remind them that they abused you physically and emotionally when you were just a little child. Do it in a letter and attach the business cards of a few taxi companies.

This is a genuine "real what you sow" moment OP. If they hadn't been abusive you'd be happy to help them now. That doesn't mean you don't do anything for them. It means you protect yourself by only doing what you can cope with.

I've downloaded the book on my kindle. Thank you for the recommendation.

I actually said those words to my husband this morning. We've already been through the looking after aging parents bit with his mum. The big difference being she was a great mum and lovely mother in law so we just got on with it.

Great, sadly it’s one of the first books or the first book to acknowledge and start to speak about what many of us are facing

it was very helpful for me so I hope it will help you. My dad has Alzheimer’s

please be compassionate to yourself

Yes you are right. Its not an uncommon thing is it? But I do feel better knowing other people have experienced this and how they dealt with it.
Sorry to hear about your dad. The Alzheimers must bring on a whole new dimension to your relationship.

Harsher words than I would have chosen, but it’s true. We do it for PILs because DH adores his mum.

I am now nc with my mum (similar situation to you OP) and before this I refused POA because I don’t want that tie to her. It’s easier to say no sooner rather than later. It’s uncomfortable for a short time but then it’s a huge weight off.

It really isn’t uncommon but it’s been taboo to say you can’t care for your parents, even when they have abused you.

I’ve had a lifetime of “but she’s your mother” and even social services trying to bulldoze my sister into care. My reply was “yes she’s my mother and look how she treated us, appalling”

thankfully things are changing - even Asda checks if you want all their “isn’t Mother’s Day great” emails before they send them - I find that since Covid though

yes the Alzheimer’s adds a dimension but my dad made his choices in full capacity and turned down opportunities to listen and repair so there you go 🤷‍♀️ it’s a comfort to know he made these decisions when he had capacity. Obv it’s still not ideal but I put my mental health first

I would not do it. I have experienced both a traumatic childhood and caring for someone. The someone I cared for was someone I loved deeply and that’s was hard enough. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to care for someone who caused me hurt, pain and had me in therapy.

I went NC with parents a long time ago and have no intention of doing a single thing for them. I think there is a layer of complication when you are present and have to step back, whereas I’m already ‘out’, but you have to put yourself first, they never did and you deserved much better

Yes hopefully there is more awareness and understanding of this.
Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Look after yourself.

Fwiw. I supported/cared for my Mum for years and she lived with me for the last few months of her life.
I helped DH look after his Mum.
I told my DF that under no circumstances would I be offering him any care in his old age.
Be clear on your boundaries and what you can and will offer.

I’m going to suggest based on how you are interacting on this thread that actually you are very conditioned to have very high expectations of what you should do for your parents even though they were abusive. There are plenty of people with half decent parents who wouldn’t expect of themselves what you will expect of yourself. That is one of the ways abuse conditions people, you ignore your own needs and look after the abusers. It can all be a bit frog in a pot of water and before you realise because you have been conditioned to neglect yourself you end up doing far more than you have capacity for. Abusers engender that in their victims.

Did your father feel bad when he was emotionally and physically abusing you when you were a child, obviously enabled by your mum? You should not feel guilty at all. Most people would have cut them off completely in your situation. They are wrong to expect help and support from you considering the awful childhood that they gave you.