Difficult childhood...parents now need a lot of help.

[IsItAllMenopause]

Hi, just after any general advice or experience of this. I had an emotionally and physically abusive childhood due to my dad's explosive temper. I have had therapy for this and still have a relationship with both parents.
Both parents are now needing more help. My siblings are not getting very involved mainly due to distance/work/family commitments.
How do I stay sane whilst providing help for them?

Just because they need help, doesn't mean you have to provide it.

What sort of help are you providing now?

Even if you were single, unemployed and lived next door doing everything for parents you have at best an ambivalent relationship with is going to be difficult.

What sort of help to they need?

Can you get some carers in? Speak to social services if necessary.

They may need help but it doesn’t have to be from you. You stay sane by not trying to do it all and feeling resentful. Are they asking or are you feeling you should? If the latter then don’t, wait to be asked and then decide. If the former you still don’t have to. They reap what they sow. Don’t feel guilty. Well you will feel guilty but don’t help them just so the guilty feeling goes away. A guilty feeling is unpleasant but won’t kill you.

My dps weren't great.. Been nc a long time.. No health issues will have me back in their lives..
Don't sacrifice any of your precious time... Or mh... You owe them nothing...

Thanks all.
So far it's been long waits in A and E with one of them, dropping samples off to GPs, picking up from hospital appointments. That kind of thing.
So not really anything social services would get involved with.
I do live near them and my children are grown up so I have time to do it. I just don't want to do it all!

Hospital appointments- taxis exist!

A&E - you don't have to stay with them.

I think you need to give yourself permission not to do these things and always think 'is there another solution than me doing it?'

Find out about community transport and volunteers in their area. My mother is taken to hospital/doctors appointments and back by volunteers - she has to pay mileage. Someone also drops off her prescriptions

Thank you for the suggestions. Yes they could definitely have prescriptions delivered. And yes I will look into taxis/transport etc. I just feel bad leaving someone in A and E for hours on end.

You don't have to do any of it, just as your siblings don't.

My DM also uses community transport for hospital appointments. She loves chatting to the volunteers.

Prescriptions- switch to an online service that delivers and reorders automatically.

Have you got LPOA for Finance? This may be more than you want to do which is fair enough.
However it can also make life easier, I just do all my DM's random requests now on Amazon and it's much quicker.

We haven't had a conversation yet about POA. I'd like to avoid it for as long as possible if I can. I don't really want to take it on unless I absolutely have to. It feels difficult knowing where to draw the line with them.

I think i'd try to do the medical stuff to be honest. stay in a and e with them etc etc, go pick up and drop off urgent stuff.

Everything else, i'd outsource.

Well, that's tough, isn't it?
I had something similar.
You stay sane by not providing any bloody help.

Didnt feel bad about neglecting and abusing YOU tho, did they?

Tell your siblings you are stepping back so as a family they will have to agree who WILL help these people who are so undeserving.

LET them spend hours in A&E. They are safe, you can't do anything for them that the hospital isn't supposed to be doing.

Drop the Rope, Drop the F.O.G - Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

You have all the power you need in your life to manage this situation by NOT getting dragged in.

And yes, I am NC with my family. I know what it takes and why I've decided i am NOT a resource for any of them.

DON'T DO THIS! if they set this up and name you, you CAN refuse/object, and I strongly advise you to do so.. I've just done my health one for my OH and my son a joint attorneys, i do that with their permission.
Honestly, this is not your problem to fix.

Oh my, its YOUR choice to be a carer for your abusive parents and be a martyr. Enjoy.

By the way, there are adult social care services who will support elderly people with no family support.

Do it or don't do it.
But own it. Make the decision that works for you. Giving care isn't dependent on how they treated you. Your make your own decisions depending on your own priorities - don't give away your power.

I am the carer for DH with dementia. It is a huge life engulfing responsibility and in effect my life is now on hold so I can support his. In your situation I would certainly not become the main carer. Depending on what happened I would do the odd hospital visit, Doctor visit etc, but I would be clear that separate arrangements need to be made for anything else and that it is a whole family responsibility to do this. Fat too often the default answer is that care falls to the women in the family to do and it simply should not. Particularly when there is abuse involved.

Thank you everyone...lots to think about.
But yes ultimately its my decision how much I do or don't do.

I once dealt with a family where the adult children were survivors of serious childhood abuse.

They deeply impressed health care professionals as they wanted their parents to be safe and have quality health care.

But they had a rigid boundary and stuck to it like rock:
No personal care
No sitting in A&E
No short notice errands or transport to hospital appointments

They would phone up and check what treatment plan was, that a social care plan was in place but that was it.

And they definitely didn't engage in listening to the parents guilt tripping them or being an emotional sounding board for them.

They chose to inflict an emotionally and physically abuse childhood on you.

You can now choose what kind of relationship you have with them.

You owe them nothing.

Also, check out the Stately Homes thread - lots of people don't provide care for abusive parents, you are not alone.

You say you had therapy, but have you ever had it out with them? Have they acknowledged it/apologised for it etc?

My parents weren't exactly the best growing up - but I did work my way closer to my Dad over the years and I cared for him in his last years. My Mum however treats my sister as the golden child so frankly I won't be getting involved at all when she needs help. She's given my sister half of her business, I got nothing and whenever I need to toughen my heart up again I remind myself of that. It's perfectly OK to say I'll do what I can but I won't give my life up for you.

It’s a choice - you don’t have to care for them

this book could be very helpful for you - it acknowledges and helps you work through the position you are in