Very challenging mum

[Middleageddreameresawsss]

My mum has always been challenging in terms of her behaviour. My dad died 23 years ago and she has been alone since. When he was alive she dedicated herself to him, made excuses for his verbal aggression when drunk, didnt mix with the community and when we were teens she would disappear for weeks on end to Ireland. She also eggagerated subjects and experiences and got quite fixated with neighbours and her brother.
She never took an interest in me or my brother. She wouldnt know what jobs we did or how we were, she would never ask. If we tried to garner some interest in us she became verbally abusive.
Instead what she would do is without telling us, put sums of money in our bank accounts then months or years later tell us how much she helped us financially..
She didnt like me, always suggesting I should look better, dress better and do my hair a certain way.
She sought approval from my brother and would tell him the story of what she thought he wanted to hear.
She didnt have her own friends and would only chat to people in the street.
She would always make her own decisions without mentioning it to me or my brother and then expect us to pick the peices when it went wrong. Eg she let her drug dependent nephew stay with her, didnt tell me and then refused help to get rid of him and when he drained her bank accounts, she came to me. I got the money back and she never acknowledged that, no thanks and ignored me when I brought it up.
Thats the background.
She is now 90 and physically well, has no dementia but some short term memory loss and is 100% non compliant. She lives alone and I do her shopping and organise things for her. She has refused to do POA.

She refuses to pay for things saying its too expensive yet she has a lot of money. She refused to pay for a new boiler and a cracked window and some blinds, so I paid. I live 60 miles from her and Im on learn chemo. She refuses to pay for home help so I dont have to drive so much and I cant afford to pay.
She obstructs everything
I took her to the hospital as she had acute cellulitis. She tried to delay the journey by saying she wanted the toilet every 3 mins.
When I went to take her to the doctors I found her hammering the door with a brass cat. She broke the lock so I had to cancel the appointment.
When I went to pick her up for the POA appt she had lost her bank card so couldnt pay. I looked everywhere. I cancelled the appt and then I saw her put the card back in her bag..
She had refused social services input.
She wont acknowledge that due to chemo I cant help so much.
She will ring me and say 'Ive lost the remote control' and I will drive up and find her watching the TV with the remote control.
And she gets verbally aggressive if she is challenged at all, awearing

I feel so helpless. What do I do?

You aren’t a mug, you are a people pleaser and a fawner, that’s what you were groomed to be and what kept you safe in childhood. Your brain hasn’t worked out that you don’t need to do that any more as you aren’t reliant on her as you were as a child.

you are therefore kind of addicted to the abuse , first step is stopping the contact as much as possible, you will feel sick with worry and guilt but don’t cave in, it will get easier. You will want to contact her to stop the awful feelings of guilt .

OP I don’t know how old you are/how old your mother is? but this could go on for years.

The use of the word “mug” was probably unintentionally harsh on my part. As pp said you have been trained up for this role. But I also wanted to open your eyes sharply to the exploitation and abuse your mother is visiting on you. Though you also seem quite aware of it. She sounds pretty much like a classic narcissist by the way. It can be v tricky standing up to a narcissist, whether it be through no contact, low contact or boundaries. But I think there is no alternative but to address this to save yourself from the unhappiness that she clearly visits upon you.

As for as therapy is concerned, it can be useful to clarify your feelings and give you support. Googling is one of the most simple ways to find one. If finances are an issue it is somewhat easier these days to access low cost therapy, sometimes with qualifying students, at least in the UK. PS. It’s important to note every therapist will be a good fit, so please take your time if you follow this path; personally I think it can take 1 to 3 sessions to decide whether they are going to be the right one for for you, and if not, move on.

Ok. So - what are YOU going to do to change things. You have had some excellent advice but quite honestly you do seem to be wallowing in all of this.

Pull yourself together, you can arrange online shopping and if Mum doesnt want a new boiler just leave it. I havent yet seen a post on Mumsnet saying Mum refuses to pay for a boiler and it stayed like that for years and years. She will either decide maybe she does need one or find other coping methods.

Why on earth did you buy it?? I am sorry to sound harsh but you are enabling this behaviour. If I am being brutal - set some boundaries or dont. It doesnt really matter to anyone on this forum because they dont know you at all but I promise you it will make YOU feel better and more in control.

Yes, I did have both parents seperately to deal with. I refused to let this job (and it is a job) take over my life. In the event of an emergency you will be found. Your Mum will give out your telephone number to everyone - that way she doesnt need to deal with any of her crap. . I used to joke with people that half of London had my number and I would be called by random people that Mum had given my details to.

Oh op, you're giving this woman far too much of yourself. I can’t believe she made you drive up under the false guise of a remote control, bloody hell. If she's physically well then regardless of being 90, I'd cut her off. At least temporarily. Concentrate on getting yourself better!!! Best of luck with chemo.