Very challenging mum

[Middleageddreameresawsss]

My mum has always been challenging in terms of her behaviour. My dad died 23 years ago and she has been alone since. When he was alive she dedicated herself to him, made excuses for his verbal aggression when drunk, didnt mix with the community and when we were teens she would disappear for weeks on end to Ireland. She also eggagerated subjects and experiences and got quite fixated with neighbours and her brother.
She never took an interest in me or my brother. She wouldnt know what jobs we did or how we were, she would never ask. If we tried to garner some interest in us she became verbally abusive.
Instead what she would do is without telling us, put sums of money in our bank accounts then months or years later tell us how much she helped us financially..
She didnt like me, always suggesting I should look better, dress better and do my hair a certain way.
She sought approval from my brother and would tell him the story of what she thought he wanted to hear.
She didnt have her own friends and would only chat to people in the street.
She would always make her own decisions without mentioning it to me or my brother and then expect us to pick the peices when it went wrong. Eg she let her drug dependent nephew stay with her, didnt tell me and then refused help to get rid of him and when he drained her bank accounts, she came to me. I got the money back and she never acknowledged that, no thanks and ignored me when I brought it up.
Thats the background.
She is now 90 and physically well, has no dementia but some short term memory loss and is 100% non compliant. She lives alone and I do her shopping and organise things for her. She has refused to do POA.

She refuses to pay for things saying its too expensive yet she has a lot of money. She refused to pay for a new boiler and a cracked window and some blinds, so I paid. I live 60 miles from her and Im on learn chemo. She refuses to pay for home help so I dont have to drive so much and I cant afford to pay.
She obstructs everything
I took her to the hospital as she had acute cellulitis. She tried to delay the journey by saying she wanted the toilet every 3 mins.
When I went to take her to the doctors I found her hammering the door with a brass cat. She broke the lock so I had to cancel the appointment.
When I went to pick her up for the POA appt she had lost her bank card so couldnt pay. I looked everywhere. I cancelled the appt and then I saw her put the card back in her bag..
She had refused social services input.
She wont acknowledge that due to chemo I cant help so much.
She will ring me and say 'Ive lost the remote control' and I will drive up and find her watching the TV with the remote control.
And she gets verbally aggressive if she is challenged at all, awearing

I feel so helpless. What do I do?

You stop and put yourself first. Speak to adult social care to see how they can support first of all.

Look at how you can put strict boundaries in place but still help her for example you only go once a week to help etc you are less available on the phone etc.

If you don’t put yourself first you’ll run yourself into the ground and she still won’t thank you for it.

I’m not sure why you’re putting up with all of this shit? As you’ve said, she’s fully competent mentally so the decisions she’s making are her mistakes to make. Why on earth you paid for her boiler, window and blinds I have no idea - if she wanted her boiler fixing, then she pays for it.
Just stop responding to her every beck and call!

Just stop. She's competent, so let her get on with it. You need to put yourself first, at least until she acknowledges - if she ever does - how much you are helping her. Chemo is tough, and your mother should be trying to make your life easier not harder.

Aperolwhore thank you. I spoke to SS and they called her and she refused any help.
I think she knows Im terrible with boundaries. She says the TV is her best friend and I rush up. I have one person I can call on but I dont want to put her out.
But I need to do it for myself. Ive side effects from the chemo and Im so tired. My brother lives abroad.
I called her today to check her bin had been taken and mentioned it was my birthday. She told me she doesnt celebrate birthdays. Ive heard this every year for 20 years so why I think she will change is beyond me.

Stop paying. Stop shopping. Show her how to do it online. If she refuses, that’s her problem.
You need to care for yourself.

Drop the rope. I know that's easy to say and in reality it's very hard to ignore situations like broken boilers and windows, but this is only going to get worse. You can't change her, all you can change is your response to her. She's had agency over her own life and has a history of using that to make poor decisions, so even if something bad comes of you stepping back, you need to understand very clearly that it won't be your fault.

Soontobe60.
Youre right. For some reason I feel I must do it even though some days I can barely get out of bed and sometimes she is pleasant so I cling onto this whole thing of 'oh its your mum' and 'your mum is amazing because she is 90' shite I get at work. I guess I feel guilty.

Sharplily
Thank you. Thats exactly it. I needed to read that..

My mum never mentions my cancer either. When I say Im exhausted all she says is 'they do great things these days'. Reality is there is a good chance she will outlive me anyway!

STOP!!

There are so many posts like this on this board. Daughters martyring themselves for obnoxious parents. No-one will reward you, give you praise or any acknowledgement of the work you are doing. No-one, least of all your parent.

The most people will say is that you're a saint. Sainthood only comes after death and you don't want to put yourself in an early grave.

She has the capacity and the means to look after herself. There is no law that says you must look after her because you are her child.

Just stop now.

When I get the oh your mums marvellous I now think yes she’s marvellous perhaps at the thing you are talking about but she’s. It a marvellous mum. What I have stopped doing is agreeing. I just give a bit of a forced smile and dint say anything.

agree with all the other fab advice, stop just stop. If she’s anything like my mum she il find others to do the stuff.

she won’t change, I do get the living in hope aspect but it’s the snake analogy, get bitten by a snake what do you do a) go back and try and reason with it and find out why it bit you or b) get away from the snake (it’s b in case you are wondering as I know us children with these kind of mums would probably think it’s something we’d done that had caused us to bite it and we could somehow fit it!).

the other thing when she whinges us to not jump to fix but to be curious and say oh what are you going to do about that. Train yourself to stop rescuing her. Undo the train ing she’s given you.

Step back. I had this with my dad; i did everything for him after my mum died, yet my whole life he treated me like dirt, put me down, made sneering remarks, treated me with disdain. I put up with it for years. A few years ago I gained clarity ( thank you, Mumsnet, and the menopause!!) and I just stopped. Contacted social services and they've offered him help, but he doesn't want strangers or to pay anyone when he can bully me into doing it for free. He only ever phoned me when he wanted something doing. So I stopped. Had the most peaceful Christmas ever, and it's going to stay that way. I hope you can do the same.

just stop doing it. I gave up on my mother when she made it clear she was manipulating me. They need to fend for themselves if they are going to behave like that

Thank you so much for the help. I need to stop what Im doing as its killing me. I hadnt thought she is bullying me but she is and she has me well trained. The messages Ive had are so helpful.

Agree with other posters. Decide what you can / are prepared to do (weekly online shop, x number of phone calls per week) and just say no to the rest. It's really hard ! But if you're disciplined with yourself you'll get there

Useful phrases are -
'Noted'
"Let me know how that goes"
"I need to check my diary"
"I have to go in 5 minutes, X needs me'
'That's a pity, what are you going to do about it'
"Have you contacted GP/Social services "

I would not have anything to do with her at all. She has been abusive to you since you were a child and is making your life a misery now.

She doesn't want your help, she doesn't accept it graciously and she just insults you.

Step back completely.

Here is a boundary. You have our permission and support to use it.

I suggest changing your Mum's name in your phone to 'I can say no', as a reminder for every time she calls. Redirect her to.your brother, or social services. Or just don't answer.

It sounds as if she has been an abusive bully all your life. She won't change, but you can.

She refused to pay for a new boiler and a cracked window and some blinds, so I paid. I live 60 miles from her and Im on learn chemo

Painful to read.

To be brutal OP, are you a saint or are you simply a patsy/mug?

Can I suggest therapy to your clarify (for yourself) if that helps?

Midnightoasis..
Im a mug. Plus im not overbearing but Im over helpful. I jump to everything she says. Also I think Im forcing a relationship where there isnt one, waiting for that 'lovely' mum daughter relationship and all she does is throw me some crumbs from time to time when it suits. And she always has a lie to tell. She badly fell out with her neice and years later I mentioned the neice but not in a bad way. This lead to her taunting me, telling me I have no backbone, telling me I should go and live with the neice etc. She goes beserk if I challenge her, swearing, threatening suicide, kicking things.
Then she is sweetness and light, telling me Im great so I think 'maybe its me, maybe its not bad' and the cycle starts again.
Where would I get therapy?

Start by asking your GP.

Being overhelpful doesnt get us anywhere op. I took a step back she 80s. Will make myself ill otherwise. Up your boundaries. I realise I enable her so am try be stronger!

This website will help you OP. Sorry to hear, I have a similar mum and have gone NC

https://outofthefog.website

Omg OP why on earth are you putting up with this . She showed no interest in you as a child so afford her the same courtesy now the tables are turned .
I just wouldn't do it . Not when you're such a distance and dealing with your own health issues .

Just wanted to hug you. I have a colleague starting chemo at the moment and she has just had to stop work, she looked so so ill.

I'd stop talking about your mum at work. If the buggers think she's so amazing, they can help her. But they won't, will they? And she wouldn't let them if they would.

Do you live with anyone? I'm worried that you will find the emotions she causes in you very hard to live with the first time you try to say 'oh that's a pity what are you going to do about that'. instead of 'I'll be there soon.' Write it out on a card, stick it to your phone along with the number for social services. That's what you can give her now, and that's good information. But it would be really good if you had a hard cow like me there to take the phone from you to say 'Sorry to hear your TV's off, Jane. Wonderful things on the radio these days. Of course middle-aged can't come up, she's having CHEMOTHERAPY. The doctor would have my guts for garters if I let her leave the house today. I'm sure there's somebody locally who could take a look at the TV for you. Something on the hob, bye for now'.