My mother is just not interested in us

[halfpastten]

There's absolutely nothing I can do about this. But sometimes I just need to let it out. My mother's mother was wonderful, engaged, proud of and interested in all of her brood. But my own mother, if I did not call her she would never call me. When I do call her, she is pleasant but asks zero questions about me or her grandchildren. She travels a lot, but hasn't visited us in 15 years. I now visit her just once a year. It's 500 miles and frankly she doesn't seem bothered either way. Sends £100 for xmas but ignores all other anniversaries and life events. I'm like my grandmother. My children and any grandchildren I have will always be the most important thing to me. I don't understand her. We were never close, I could never confide in her, but she wasn't awful either. She's 85 now, fit and well. If she becomes ill or frail will I be there for her? I hardly know the woman and I'm sad and sorry about that. Can anyone relate?

I did have an outburst a few years ago, when the children were younger and I was fighting for them to have a relationship with her. When we all needed her, as DH had died. I addressed it and asked why and said I don't think you even like me. But then I said she had been a good mother when we were young, and my dad was difficult, and that I was grateful for that. She replied that no she hadn't been a good mother, she'd neglected me in my teens - which was true. At 14 or 15 I'd sometimes stay at friends' houses for days without telling her and she'd never mention it. I'd push it to see if she''d notice and she didn't. So that was the conversation, which at the time felt like an apology. But thinking about it now, it was more of a confession from DM - this is who I am.

Yes. Agree with everything you say. Feel very blessed re my DC and the hurt now is more about them. I was so close to both my grandmothers and it hurts that my mother does not seem to care about my DCs at all. I drip fed above that their dad/ my DH died which adds to it. But as you say, they are not without deep love and support.

She sounds like she's either autistic or has suffered some sort of trauma and never properly bonded with you. Perhaps if you frame it as can't rather than won't it might help.

I'm sorry you don't have your DH and can see why you would wish your DC had a connection with your mum.
When my DCs dad (exH) went off with OW I thought my mum would connect more with them as they were still primary age, but it didn't happen (she did like them when they were babies & very young children).
My dad lives in the same city and hasn't seen my DCs for about 10 years (his choice & his loss).
Mine are a young adult & teen and tbh they're more interested now in friends and looking ahead at what they enjoy. My partner & I try to invite my mum to things, but she doesn't suggest anything or call.
I have moments of sadness about it.

But thinking about it now, it was more of a confession from DM - this is who I am

It's very much a taboo subject in our society, but some women struggle mightily with motherhood. They aren't equipped - for various reasons - to be nurturing parents and, while they might be able to perform the bare basics of parenting, they are never going to be the loving, involved "maternal" type.

Sixty-five years ago women were expected to marry and have children. Being childfree by choice was far from the norm. You had kids and just got on with it. That was the prevailing attitude when your mother was a young woman.

So while none of this makes her seeming indifference any less painful for you, perhaps it helps to view her in a different light? This is just who she is. Do your best to accept that and make peace with the situation so it doesn't wear you down.

This doesn't sound like it's true in your case, but putting this out here for someone else who might be reading, but this overwhelming lack of interest from my mother turned out to be the early stages of her dementia. I used to find it really upsetting that she never knew the names of my kids' schools or what stage they were at but seemed to know great details of my older nephew and niece. I felt it was a reflection of a new generation of favoritism (my brother was very fawned on).

Then I found various notebooks onto which she'd written my kids' names and their schools and I realise she just couldn't remember. This was in addition to total-can't-be-arsedness - she stopped making any effort to cook if we went there and other things. All in hindsight signs of early dementia.

I wish my father hadn't done so much to hide her failing brain from us as I find it hard to reverse the hurt that I felt.

That said, both my parents were a bit crap as grandparents before then. In their case, definitely a class and generational thing (they grew up with staff). And generally standards of parental involvement have changed. Like you OP, I genuinely loved being engaged with my children and still do. My parents would say things like "Aunt Mary always used to say that children aren't interesting until they're old enough to go to the opera" (I'm still not old enough to be interested in opera!). They didn't want to do the banal games and throwing balls endlessly with them when they were young, they just wanted them when they were more adult. But why would teens want to hang out with grandparents with whom they've no relationship? Especially if by this time, they've got dementia and parkinson's.

If she becomes frail and ill, do you want to help provide care and support? If you don't, that's OK. She has been a completely detatched parent all your life and told you that you needed to be independent. You can say the same to her if she expects you to step up if she becomes less independent and requires more support.

I find this chat very relevant. I loved spending time with my grandmother, even as a teenager, we would play board games, chat, hug, cook together.
My own mother is just difficult. She felt probably a bit neglected in her own childhood, felt her mum liked her sibling more. She stayed with my abusive father for 30odd years until he pretty much died. She smokes, never puts down a cigarette, so already spending time with her means you have to be inhaling the smoke. She neglected me and my siblings, although she wouldn’t see it that way. She now is obsessed with her pets and has zero friends. I don’t call her as inevitably she will say something toxic ( about my sister or me or someone else) that then will affect my mood. So we now tend to call each other for occasions only- bdays, kids bdays, Mother’s Day etc.
We see each other maybe once a year for a few days due to distance. I think she thinks we have a good, close relationship though? It’s really baffling to me. I just don’t like her character. It’s a very negative, avoidant personality, but also very judgy and passive aggressive. If there is an activity planned, it might not be that bad, but it’s not a joyful experience to be around her. comparing her grandkids ( like so and so is achieving in this, when I’ve just talked about my daughter) and brings people down. I just want to say either you are on purpose trying to irritate me or you are immature and emotionally delayed. I live very far, so also wonder what it will be like if she needs help…
it’s sad, as humans we are supposed to live in supportive groups not in isolation. I feel like she has isolated herself and that’s all she has capacity to give. She probably sees herself as a victim, misunderstood, unappreciated. Very little self awareness.
however from where I sit, I’m bringing two kids mostly on my own and she could work on herself and engage in our lives, people go on holidays with family, she could get interested in my kids lives. It’s sad really

She's 85, there may be a gradual decline in health, or there may be a fairly rapid terminal decline of a few weeks or less - she may even just go without warning. It doesn't hurt to think through possibilities a bit but beyond that, not really any point in worrying about something that may never happen!

Anyway at 500 miles away most of this is moot... There won't be much you can do.

Mine is very similar to this and has never been interested in grandchildren, even when the first arrived in her 50s, so she was pretty young to be a grandparent. She always said she was too old by then to be involved which is absolute rubbish, many people are working and being hands on grandparents in their mid-60s!

I've got used to her having no idea what I do at work, or spend my time doing.

She's begun to realise that her friends have close relationships with their DC and gc but can't seem to grasp that they were hands on and involved and there for their children? She's embarrassed about it and tries to make up for it by pretending to the friends that she's a lot more involved.

The whole thing is beginning to unravel.

I had similar, OP, but with my father. He was always a bastard and the fact that he really didn't care was hammered home after my DM died. He never made an effort, so I stopped trying: it was just too emotionally destructive to carry on.

DM would have been the most wonderful grandparent and I really missed her. My ILs and my aunt really stepped into the breach.

I did wonder what I'd do if he ever fell out with his new partner. In the end, he died very suddenly, with her in attendance, and all I felt was relief.

It's a shitty situation to be in. It's painful to come to understand just how little you seem to matter to someone to whom you should be really important, and who should be important to you. It's very hard to get your head around the fact that you dislike this person to whom you are so genetically close.

It’s not always age. My father in law is 88, would never forget a birthday (he gives money so I get my husband something and vice versa) when we go on holiday he gets my daughter money in the currency of the country and when we spend time with him he seems to genuinely enjoy our company and be pleased to see us. Cards will say to my son and daughter in law or to my lovely granddaughter. My mums cards make no reference to the fact we are related and she’s really not interested. It’s mind boggling how different they are.

Similar situation here with MIL. She doesn’t understand why DNs who live near don’t go round much, when her friends are close to their DGC. She seems unable - unwilling? - to make the obvious connection.

This is exactly how it is with my FIL. Other than that he never actually asks how his children or grandchildren are either. He is only interested in his latest woman (currently engaged aged 80 to one he met a few months ago). It is very sad for my husband who can see the contrast with my parents who are doting and involved grandparents, despite living 3 hours away. He says it is how he has always been and doesn't expect any different. I did get angry at the fact we were expected to throw him an extravagant 80th; husband and his brothers are still constantly seeking approval that they are never going to get. I would go no contact but it is not my dad.
To add, FIL is fit and well and constantly on holiday with whichever woman he is currently seeing.

I think one thing that's underestimated is a great many ( not all of course) parents in the 50s, 60s and 70s were in not very happy relationships, they stuck it out through financial necessity and the women in particular spent an awful lot of brain power and effort pandering to some complete arses at the expense of relationships with their children and grandchildren and when the time comes they are on their own they simply don't have that closeness- which is why a lot of older men in particular suddenly are very keen on having another woman around to focus on -

that is a very good point and applies to my mother. she didn't mind to stay with my abusive father, who was also inappropriate with me, even though it meant I would not visit her with my children in her house for years and years. This wasn't financial necessity though, but more of a cultural/ societal/lifestyle choice. It was just easier and this is in more recent years. Some people just simply lack the awareness and capacity to have close relationships. she has lots of space for us to stay now, but there still isn't the enthusiasm or the closeness for me to want to do that. it is still hard work and even when we are there, there is distance, she is always busy with something and puts barriers to become closer by being 'busy', engaging in her addictions, toxic comments, complaining, lack of boundaries with other people etc.