My mother is just not interested in us

[halfpastten]

There's absolutely nothing I can do about this. But sometimes I just need to let it out. My mother's mother was wonderful, engaged, proud of and interested in all of her brood. But my own mother, if I did not call her she would never call me. When I do call her, she is pleasant but asks zero questions about me or her grandchildren. She travels a lot, but hasn't visited us in 15 years. I now visit her just once a year. It's 500 miles and frankly she doesn't seem bothered either way. Sends £100 for xmas but ignores all other anniversaries and life events. I'm like my grandmother. My children and any grandchildren I have will always be the most important thing to me. I don't understand her. We were never close, I could never confide in her, but she wasn't awful either. She's 85 now, fit and well. If she becomes ill or frail will I be there for her? I hardly know the woman and I'm sad and sorry about that. Can anyone relate?

I have experience of this with my MIL. Looking back I think she was doing the best she could with the natural disposition she had. I could never be bothered to hold long term grudges, so have forgiven her for her lack of interest but not forgotten.

I know how you feel.

If I don’t contact my mum she doesn’t bother. Knows nothing about my children’s lives. I’m pretty sure she’s forgotten my birthday next week.

It hurts. I think it’s because we are far away. Out of sight out of mind.

I can relate. My parents are only 2hrs away but they may as well be in another country. If I didn't call them they wouldn't call me, they send cards for birthdays but never ask about me or the kids. If I call to thank them for the card they will say "ok" and that will be the end of the conversation not did you do anything nice for your birthday or any birthday chat that you might expect even from a relative stranger. They are visiting an attraction within 10 minutes of where we live but are not coming to spend anytime with us while they are here.

I can't understand the indifference. Fair enough if they don't give a shit about me, although I don't think I've done anything to deserve that but you would think they might actually be bothered about the fact they have grandkids.

My mums the same. She is a little better with my older sister and grandchildren which stings sometimes but I've come to care less now. She only 65 but I'm pulling back now as I don't want to be responsible for looking after in her age. She hasn't cared for me so it's not going to be returned. My children are so.joyus to me so I find it hard to get my head around why she's so distant but there's no amount of conversation that will improve the situation now.

Yes. I live 5 minutes away but she will never come to my house, doesn’t call or text but let slip she regularly texts and calls my sibling. I know she visits them too.

I am seen as the independent one but I once got upset at her and said it was because I have always had to be. Nothing changed. I had surgery and she wasn’t interested in popping in but when I messaged her she was at my siblings. After that I backed well away and hurt for months at her complete lack of interest but really it’s been years of small things that chipped away and stung.

She’s 85. Cut some slack. I have parents (and aunts and uncles ) that age, and I noticed that gift giving for birthdays etc have declined. Christmas is an easy date to remember, but other dates not so easy. My dm never calls me either, I have to call her. Also, travelling 500miles when you’re that age isn’t easy either.

Maybe she’s not as fit and healthy, or at least able as you think. All these things become a lot harder when your older.

It does hurt @ReggaetonLente I wonder if much of it is generational? For parents in the 1960s and 70s neglect was built in. We were chucked out of the house all day and then as young adults. Expected to be independent. This is an extension. And I think the out of sight out of mind element is a factor for those of us who've moved away. If I lived closer it may be different. Spending time together would be a habit rather than a bother. My generation - X - is much closer to our children. When I think of it that way, I feel lucky.

My mother is in her 50s so it’s not and age thing in my case.

Have you actually read the OP??

Her mother hasn’t visited her in 15 years ffs but is fit and travels. …

I can completely imagine that would be very hurtful @halfpastten - particularly given it seems she had a warm & loving mother herself.

Detaching and making peace that this is all that she will offer and yes ensuring you don’t become burdened with her care sounds fair though. How lovely that you’re like your grandma yourself and hopefully your kids will reciprocate.

This is very much my experience too. I love being a mum and can't understand it. It's very hurtful.

I think in my case it feels worse because I have moved to an area where people generally only move a few streets away from their parents and have very close family ties. Out of 5 women aged 30 to 50 in my office, 4 of them still take their washing round for their Mum to do. I think my Mum made me do my own washing from around 14 and certainly wouldn't be doing it for me now even if we did live closer.

My FIL (my MIL passed away before I met my husband, and FIL remarried) is only interested in his children and grandchildren on a superficial level. Yes, he'll ask how everyone is, but that's it, he's not really interested in any more detail. Birthday cards are non-existent, but he'll put money in his grandchildren's bank accounts. My husband said my FIL's parents were exactly the same, weren't interested in their grandchildren. I think after his grandfather passed away, suddenly his grandmother was more interested in her children! We bend over backwards for FIL, but all he's really interested in is his wife. It's sad for my husband, as my parents are the complete opposite.

'I call to thank them for the card they will say "ok" and that will be the end of the conversation not did you do anything nice for your birthday or any birthday chat that you might expect even from a relative stranger.'

Yes! Hard relate. Absolutely zero interest in my life. I've had warmer, more empathetic, more enjoyable conversations in the queue in Sainsburys with total strangers than I've had with my parents, and they're getting worse with age.

My sister isn't much better. I told her about my perimenopause symptoms and treatment recently and she was all ears and full of questions, because it will be her turn soon and she wanted the info. Not a single word since then about how I'm doing and how my health is. If I do volunteer info, I either get talked over or ignored, or minimised in some way.

I'm low contact with all of them and I think it needs to get even lower

I love being a mum too. I think this is what’s made it hurt more because I would never act like mine does.

The behaviour is not new. She's never been interested and has not visited in 15 years. She travels overseas 2 to 3 times a year and is extremely sporty and active still. The age is relevant because of course she will start to decline in the next few years and I'm wondering what that will mean.

Other than your mother being fit and well I could have written your post OP. My DM has no interest in me or my children and unsurprisingly my sister has gone NC with her.

I suspect autism but my DM has never been diagnosed. She ticks a lot of the boxes.,

My family are the centre of mine and DH's world, I can't imagine being as detached as her.

You have my sympathy OP!

Have you ever pulled them up on their behaviour or asked them why they are being like that? What do they say?

They made it clear to us at a very young age that we needed to be independent. That we were on our own. Clear foreshadowing I guess! But it's still parental neglect and emotional abandonment and all these years later it's just more of the same pattern and scars.

Sounds a bit neurodivergent to me.
I have a DC who is autistic but generally copes in the mainstream world by copying others and masking. If anyone were to dig a little deeper it is apparent that DC is only interested in themself and their interests (science or sport). Only interested in other people if they've got something to do with a special interest. I imagine if DC was the age of your mother, it would have gone undiagnosed and probably been exposed in this sort of way.

Sorry - it sounds really hard for you. Focus on your loved ones who are close and enjoy your time together.

This is ridiculous, why would grown adult women want their mothers to wash their clothes and intimates unless their washing machine had packed up?
I've been doing my own washing from secondary school age, nothing wrong with that at all it's what your parents should be doing, teaching you how to look after yourself.

God knows it was just an example of how much involved they are in each other's lives. I agree with you that children need to be taught how to look after themselves but there is a difference between that and emotional abandonment.

I've often thought this. It makes sense. DS recently had a really big life event which DM ignored/forgot about. I know she would have done the right thing if I'd told her what she needed to do. I think I just thought it was big enough that she would realise. Thanks for your message. I think it will help to think of her as undiagnosed ND. I can be sympathetic.

This is my FIL exactly. Until MIL died he was interested but then he remarried and was only interested in his new wife's family. He was most interested in our son (we think because he's the only boy with the same surname as him and he found that very important) but he had little interest in our other child and he seemed to positively dislike SIL's children. He didn't speak to them normally, just snapped at them. I used to say just wait till he's old and ill, he'll regret it and he did. He complained none of his grandchildren visited him when he no longer went out.

Whilst I sympathise with your justifiably hurt feelings, I take exception to yet more generalisations about parenting across the generations. I'm 67, my late mum was my best friend, I'm extremely close to my grown up kids and my grandchildren. Some of my contemporaries are similar, some much less so. My daughter is equally close to her DC but she has friends who are more detached and spend as little time as possible with their kids. None of these situations have anything to do with which generation they belong to.

I'm truly sorry you find yourself in this hurtful situation, but you're right about not owing her anything when she reaches a stage when she needs a carer. That's the only benefit I think.

OP do you feel that you are the parent to your DC that you wished you'd had?
I read this recently and it resonated with me.
I tell my DC I love them and how much they mean to me, I ask questions about who they are, I encourage them to be curious and not insular.
I will never have that from my parents.

I know wider thinking doesn't make the situation better, but at least you have the experience of being a parent who has a better connection with their DC.