Dealing with my own guilt in relation to bereaved father

[GuiltriddenDaughter]

We lost my mum a few weeks ago, very suddenly. My elderly dad is bereft.

We tried not to leave him alone at first, and he was grateful. But now I don't know how to walk away.

I need my own life back, but I feel so guilty about not wanting to spend every free hour with him.

I know this is ultimately my problem, there is no pressure from my dad. But I can't shake off the guilt. Please help!

Anyone?

I’m so sorry about your mum.

My mum died a couple of years ago & for the first couple of months I spent every weekend at Dad’s - I live a couple of hours away from him, my sister’s nearer & my brother’s at the other end of the country - but that wasn’t sustainable.

It’s far too soon to make any real plans and you’re still in shock. If you’re looking after him, I hope you’ve got people looking after you.

Thank you for your kind response. I have some wonderful friends who are looking out for me. My DH and my adult DD are also fabulous but dd is away at uni and DH has had to travel overseas for an extended period (unavoidable).

I have basically stayed at my dad's house for a couple of months now, with only a few nights at home. I feel terrible leaving him alone. But it isn't sustainable because I feel like I have no life of my own right now, and I'm starting to go crazy.

I feel like I need to start detaching myself a bit, but I can't help but think I'm being selfish in wanting to do that. I promised my lovely mum that I would look after him, but I feel like I can't do that right now without failing to look after myself.

I think in your shoes I would try and imagine what you would say to your DD were this to be her life. Or to a friend in the same position. It’s ok to look after you, and actually really important that you have a life of your own. It will help you to care better, and for longer, in the end, I suspect. I know I would miss my own life and friends, and might become resentful.

It is really early days after the loss of your mum, and I expect all of you are reeling. Be kind to yourself and maybe if you feel you cannot learn to accommodate your mum’s loss, think about bereavement counselling? I also wonder how old your dad is: it might be as well to help him nurture interests and other people-maybe a joint aim? Losing a parent is hard and I know I wish I’d seem them just one more time: could that be a fear of yours too, that you don’t want to feel that way about your dad?

You really need a balance.

When my DF passed away 1.5 years ago I stayed home with my mother the first night. DM is a hoarder so I had to sleep in their bed with her as I can't access my old bedroom now due to all the stuff in there and on the bed. I had also spoken with a friend who lost her DF suddenly the previous year and she invited her DM to stay over for a couple of weeks. This made adjusting to being in her own home again difficult. I didn't want to deal with similar and felt it would be easier on everyone if DM was in her own house adjusting to things.

Mum recently had a go at me about why I'd not had her to stay for a while like my friend did with her DM 🙄 She would also rather spend time with me than do things with her own friends or find interests outside the home. Can't win with her but it's important to have boundaries.

Sorry for your loss and I wish you the best.

It's still really early days but I'd be a bit wary about setting up expectations and patterns of behaviour that then become difficult to disengage from in the future.

Ultimately, you wouldn't be looking after him by staying with him all the time, because that doesn't give him the opportunity to develop his new life as a widower, meet people, develop a social life, maybe learn some skills if there are things your mum always did.

Finding the balance is tricky. I lived very close to mine for about a year (was already there), then moved out of that town. Then moved about five hours away later on. By that time mine had developed independence, got to know some new groups of people. I doubt she wanted me to go (there was some emotional blackmail!) but it was better for both of us that I did.

Of course, it'll depend how old he is and how capable!

I've been going through this exact emotion lately. You have my understanding. I got some therapy through better help to help me untangle my emotions and it did help. Ultimately his emotions aren't your responsibility.

Thank you so much to all of you for your kind and thoughtful responses. There is a lot of wisdom in what you are all saying. Plenty of food for thought.

@FortyElephants, I'm sorry that you've been going through something similar. I'm glad that the therapy helped.

It's ok for you both to have your own lives. In fact, it's important. How about a "weaning" period?
Start reducing the time you're spending at your dads. Help him to find places to go during the week. Let him reconnect with friends and start living his life more independently.

I am so sorry for your loss. We had a similar situation with the sudden loss of my DF some years ago. DM was all over the place so a few of us took turns to stay over with her for a the first few weeks but we did dial it back so it was then just the odd night or a weekend. She did adjust and to be honest she needed us to step back and leave her on her own in order to make that adjustment. Please try not to feel guilty but see it as part of the bereavement process.

My dad is 76 & we’ve tried really hard to get him to try local groups but he’s not having it. It’s coming up to 2 years.

He has friendly & caring neighbours, meets up with friends on occasion if they travel to him, but we’ve had to accept that we can’t force him to make his life bigger.

I’m really sorry for the loss of your DMum. Dealing with your grief whilst trying to support your DF is very challenging.

I lost my DF a few months ago, and had similar worries about trying to support my DM with little other family support on offer.

Do you have commitments at home that you need to return to; work/pets/children/house maintenance/other commitments? If you do, I’d look to use that as a reason to return home and slowly dial back the time you spend staying with your DF. If that isn’t feasible, is there anyone you can call on who would be able to offer to see your DF once a week, and you can then not go to see him/stay on that day each week. You need to step back for your own sake, but knowing what the guilt is like, I also found knowing what my DM’s plans were (which I usually had to start the arrangements for as she wasn’t up to it but did want to see people).

5 months on here, and we’ve got it down to spending a day with DM at the weekend and I go and spend a day with her/visit to do paperwork for her (the probate fun is still ongoing) during the week. I phone every night. It’s still too much for my liking, but so much better than a few months ago and she’s been able to cope ok with the change slowly. Having regular plans has helped her, and me as I can ignore the guilt for a bit with that I find.

Wishing you and your DF well as you try to navigate the changes in life that this brings. You will be grieving for your Mum and both you and your Dad need space to do that alone as well as the time together.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It is not easy losing a parent suddenly and I cannot imagine how it is to lose a life partner.

Have you actually talked to your dad about it? He might equally be feeling that it is time for you to start living your own life again and to give him a bit of space. An honest conversation might be what you both need.

Start leaving him for longer periods of time but be aware certain things will get to him. Could be weekends or mealtimes for example. Work out his triggers and use that information. Will he need a carer now? Could you employ a cleaner that would help keep an eye on him. Age uk used to provide a paid for service for as little as an hour a time. It's going to be hard but he needs to learn to be alone eventually.