Anyone else low contact with a parent?

[Ooopz]

Don’t know why I’m posting really, other than sometimes it just feels shit.

I accepted some years back that DM and I will never have the relationship it should be. She’s self-absorbed with many narcissistic tendencies. In my 30s I finally set boundaries and called her out on things that were upsetting me, and she’s been the wounded victim ever since.

We live far away and see her once or twice a year and text sporadically (and usually for a reason) in between. We’ve had one text exchange this year, quite chatty from her, quite chatty from me - then nothing. I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt thinking she may have typed out a message but forgot to press send.

10 years in to being low contact and it still hurts. I’ve explained how and why she upset me on numerous occasions but she can’t and won’t apologize. So to protect my own emotional wellbeing I distance myself from her. She perceives this as punishment.

Honestly if I saw her making an effort, to even attempt to rekindle the relationship, I would reciprocate. In fact it would mean the world. But she doesn’t, so I remain chatty, casual, warm, polite when we are in touch but it stays quite surface level.

She’s late 70s now. She won’t change. Mostly I push it to the back of my mind but sometimes it still stings. I actually think she’d rather die with the narrative that she’s the victim than repair the relationship. Her health isn’t wonderful but then she’s no spring chicken.

Anyway as I say, not sure why I’m posting. Guess I just needed to vent and maybe hear from others who are in a similar boat and feels how futile it all is.

I had a similar mother (self-interested and just couldn't give the maternal love that we needed)

It really does sting! Our mothers are/were meant to care for us and put our needs before theirs.

It's sadly very common. I take some cold comfort in that. I think it gets easier in time.

You have my sympathy, OP. Xxx

Thank you. And I note you say “had”… how was it managing her death if you don’t mind me asking?

I don’t doubt my DM loves us, but it’s definitely not unconditional. Everything is on her terms and that’s not actually a relationship is it.

A timely post for me OP so thank you

you are not alone.

i am 62 i am currently getting over yet another emotional infringement from my mother.

it helps to realise she is who she is, and will never be what you need or want.

I have lived with that for a long time.

it still hurts a bit when i go through all the phases of life my mother has been through with such a different way, close to my daughter and son and three grandchildren.

when i feel they take me for granted a bit i remind myself i am not my mother and i have made a happy life.

so look to what you can make of your life and what you have.

dont Let your mum be a dead weight on your soul.

Yes, mum died in 2021. Even though she caused much emotional pain, I know she loved me in her own way. And I loved her.

But in my experience, the hurt of having an emotionally unavailable (narcissistic) mother was much easier to bear after she died.

And EMDR has been very effective too.

It's partly helpful to know that mum had no parental affection growing up. She just followed suit.

Xxx

Ahh I’m sorry to hear that but glad you felt more peace afterwards. I often wonder if I’d feel the same - like there no more point wondering or hoping if things would ever change.

Same for my DM too. She was the scape goat whilst her sibling was the golden child. So I get why she was stunted in her own emotional growth.

I imagine it’s common in their generation. So sad.

Good for you for breaking through cycle with your own children @Bannedontherun.

Ive got out of the habit of thinking about her but there’s a few times when I’d like to feel like “the child” again even in my 40s. My DF died a few years ago - we had a great relationship and I miss him dearly (my parents divorced) so sometimes I really crave that parental support and it all feels so lacking.

If I was willing to act as if everything was normal, I think she would too. Water under the bridge for her. But I just can’t forgive her. I cannot imagine doing the same to my children. You don’t give up as a parent ever right? It’s not a fully equal relationship, you love unconditionally right?

I’ve been nc with mine since August last year. Tried lc and grey rock and all the clever things but I just needed to break it. I felt worse for a little while but now I feel fine. The weight, tension, constant feeling of impending doom, all gone. I don’t know how I’ll feel when she dies. I expect much the same as when my dad died- I grieved for the relationship we’d never had and now never could have- not that it ever would have happened if he’d been immortal.

Thank you. I am by no means perfect.

Parents are just adults responsible for children, some adults never grow up and remain some kind of child all their lives, for whatever reason.

They see themselves as the central character who needs nurture and attention, who have no responsibility for their own behaviour and its consequences.

These type of child parents, can crush their off springs for life. Or sometimes create a strength and resilience that is formidable.

I once saw a quote something like behind every strong woman is a child whose needs were not met. It spoke to me.

Like you say the key is to break the cycle.

But you will always function with a little bit missing no mother to turn to.

I am glad you had a good father, i had two awful parents, my dad is dead my mother alive.

When my dad died it felt over for me, and i think i will feel the same way about my mother too.

Thanks for this post i hope i help you as much as it is helping me. 💜

Hi all, I have just gone no contact with my DM this week. It has been a very difficult few months for us all but this week a horrible event happened to me and Dsis. We suspect it was caused by DM. I didn't mention the event to DM when all of a sudden out of nowhere I got messages berating me and making her out to be the victim. She then proceeded to involve Dbro who then also had a massive go and me and Dsis. So I blocked them all and really think there's no going back from where we are. Oddly I just feel calm and peaceful since I blocked her.

Dh and I are both low contact with our narcissistic parents. My pregnancy was the trigger point as we don't want our son to be exposed to the poison (dh in trauma therapy currently recommended by his neurologist; his mum really only likes girls). I eloped at 22 (parents had confiscated my savings at that time but dh paid for my flight ticket with student loan money) and my parents live overseas so much easier for me to be LC. Took me 10 years to realize they were narcissists though so I am going ultra low LC. His mum lives 2 miles from us so boundaries are a bit more difficult but dh is handling it quite well, he should probably get through more trauma therapy before they meet. We will invite her for baby related events but not sure about holidays.

Big hugs to you OP. Yes it's incredibly painful. I'm low contact with my parents for similar reasons to you. They're massively self absorbed with narcissistic traits. I get absolutely no emotional support from them and they have no interest in my life. I have done some pretty intense grieving for them even though they're both alive and in good health. Years of therapy has helped massively.

It's so hard to let go of the hope that they will change and you'll eventually get even a fraction of what you need from them. It's hard to believe that your own parents can be so harmful to be around. I really feel for you. Hope this thread has helped

Hate it too op. 80s. All about me. I did do counselling but she said these people dont change. Fed up of oh she your mum! I did call out the behaviour this week but she just sent a nasty reply. Got nothing for my 50th either. They live to ripe old age too lol. I visit but its minimal as grinds u down

I read an advice column in the Guardian today about a very unpleasant mother in law. The psychotherapist who replied gave some very thoughtful advice, including a reflection about whether the writer was giving her MIL too much power over her and her life. Something about that has struck me hard. I think I need to get more assertive about getting on with my own life and keeping my family no closer than arms length

Yes very hard. Friends havent clue. Ah you wont have her forever.. I let moods go on before I lasted 7 wks. But I had great peace.

I'm not sure if I quite match your level of disconnect but I was low contact with my mother (a phone call every other week and a visit 3 or 4 times a year) and my father - they were divorced - (a phone call maybe monthly and a visit twice a year). They weren't great parents so I didn't want to spend time with them or miss their company.

My Dad left and had a second wife and family so I never really was very involved after I was about 10 years old. He died at 81 and I didn't see him often tbh.

In the few years after Covid and as Mum moved into her 90s and before she died, I did step up my efforts and see her monthly.

I was low contact with my mum. Moved 150 miles away years ago. I stopped her coming for visit as she nearly fell down the stairs after a toilet visit. Wouldn't use a commode. She got very poorly, rang me and asked if I could go and "break her out" of hospital. I gently refused. Just couldn't face letting her home to my my dad who was worn out caring for her. I wish we had been closer but years and years of difficult times made it very very difficult

@Ooopz there are quite a few of us on here in similar situations and you will not go unseen. Sometimes it is just a moment in time, for some of us it is longer term. Some people manage to remain in contact, others (inc myself) it varies between NC / LC or VLC.

My experience (so far) has been that most people are hugely kind and the women on here have provided me with a huge amount of support and food for thought. I will always be grateful to them.

Dealing with ageing parents is hard enough at the best of time, without the added complications of mental ill health, personality "challenges/disorders" - diagnosed or not, and the life challenges we all have to navigate anyway. And as women, daughters, sisters, mothers etc we are all expected to carry it with good grace and not rock the boat, which gets increasingly hard as it the dynamics with our parents get even harder when dementia or other health challenges get thrown into the mix.

Virtual hugs. You won't get judgement from me.

My dad was the same.

Recently I tried to open my life to him once again with a lot of persuasion from my husband. But he just could not take responsibility for what he had done. Or apologise to me.

That was the nail in the coffin for me. as sad as it is (although he's never been a great dad) I had to close the door and accept I will never have a dad in my life.

For context I was 16 when i last saw him I'm now 34.

Firstly, I am probably a lot older than you. I am LC with my mother who is in her 90s. I was NC with my father who was abusive. My mother just ignored it. My father died just before Covid. I did not feel a thing.
I think as I am older and have a loving family ( husband, kids and grandchildren), it is much easier. I used to feel very angry but it has mellowed with age but I don’t feel sorry for my mother even though I know she is lonely. I visit about twice a year for a few hours. My sister is also LC contact too. My brother, the golden child ( but not his fault), visits once a week for a couple of hours. He lives nearby. During Covid I decided to phone my mother once a week as she was on her own. I don’t let her get away with saying things that are not true. She started a conversation about how I was naughty for running away when I was 2 ( nearly 3) and I told her she was a rubbish mother for leaving me on my own outside. My sister also phones once a week. We just feel warmth for her. My sister and I always have a good moan to each other.

My two step brothers were the golden children, I was the outsider scapegoat.

We went no contact years ago initiated by me but then via some weird logic she turned it around and said that because my mental health issues miraculously disappeared when she fucked off (what does that say) I must have been attention seeking so then decided to go NC with me. My whole life, I was told I was attention seeking, which I probably bloody was as a child as I didn't get much! Now I see, though, it was just a massive projection!

It's scary the stories they create. I think the oldest stepbrother hangs around them now (the other one also went NC some years ago), mostly for money, and probably still trying to get what he didn't really get as a child. At least I got away and out of this horrific bond. We were just there for them, and they played us all off against each other, and we all hated each other. It will be interesting to see if he's still there when any problems arise relating to their old age.