Widowed mum moved to the same town

[OneSillyBirdie]

My Dad died two years ago and my mum moved to the town I live in and I am struggling.

I have never been close with my Mum she is very selfish, emotional detached and not a nice person. She was very unpredictable when I was a child not knowing when she would explode, she was banned from the school playground and very self absorbed, my dad mostly brought us up and was a very good dad.

I moved away for university and never wanted to go back as it was horrible living with her with the bad environment. I made my own life down south, met my partner and had a family. My sister did the same in a different city.

I always kept in contact with my parents as my dad was a great emotional support for me and I loved being around him and speaking to him. I would go see them and they would come visit.

My dad died two years ago and I have tried to be there for my mum to help her, as it was what I thought my dad would want, even though it is hard being around her. I would get stressed everytime she visits or I visit her, she still flies off the handle and you can't disagree with her. When my dad died she gave me no emotional support it was all about her and when I try and talk about my childhood I am misremembering or lying. She also talks about how my dad was controlling her and says a lot of nasty things about him. My sister has cut off all contact with her and so it's just me, as she has pushed everyone else away.

She has now moved to the town I live, I initially thought it would be better instead of having to spend multiple days with her, it would be easier to spend an afternoon. However she rings me all the time asking when she will see me and to do things she can do herself even if she has seen me the day before. When I do see her I hate every moment, but I want to make her happy. I feel like I escaped and now she has invaded my life that I made for myself and I don't know what to do. I just want to run away. I'm stressed all the time.

Why do you want to make her happy? why do you feel obligated to see her?
You say you hate every minute with her so why put yourself through that?
How old are you, and how old is your mum? There are too many questions and I think you need to try and understand why you feel the need to be there for her when the relationship is bringing nothing but unhappiness to your life. Don’t get sucked in to a point where you are neglecting YOUR life (husband/children/friends/work ect) for someone who wouldn’t do the same for you. You are also setting yourself up to be her carer in later life and becoming resentful.

I am 35 and my mum is 69, my dad looked after his parents, making sure they had everything they needed and were taken care of (they were both lovely people) and was always visiting his older relatives. I would tag along a lot and so it's what was instilled in me to do and it's what he would want me to do. My mum has no one else and even though I don't like her I still love her and wouldn't want her to be alone. For some reason I worry about her and feel responsible for her. I feel bad that I hate being around her.

What age is she. I think have good boundaries. My mother is so bored so she keeps ringing us! We expected to just drop everything. Nightmare

She's barely above working age, why doesn't she get out there and find some hobbies or do some volunteering? Or does she have health problems?

You could limit the amount of time you spend with her and suggest she tries out an activity or get together? Once she knows some more people she'll have other people to spend time with.

Your mum has no-one because she is a horrible, selfish person. It must take some pretty awful behaviour for a parent to be banned from the school playground.

She was a terrible mother to you when you were a child. You owe her absolutely nothing. Take a leaf out of your sister's book and stop seeing her. She is just reaping what she has sown.

Whatever you do you won't make her happy so there is no point trying. She is a horrible person and you need to look after yourself.

Well, does making you stressed and unhappy ACTUALLY VISIBLY make her happy, or does she just have a disfunctional habit of spreading her own unsettled feelings with you and any other mug she can find?

Serious question.

Time to focus on being a mum and not a daughter. She has no right to makes demands and hasn't bought herself any credit for care now sir to her actions as a mother, a wife and now. How dare she slander your dad, and I suspect it's lies.

Boundaries. Don't answer the phone. Say no more than yes. Life is too long to spend it so unhappy.

In a similar situation ( although with a less unpleasant person) a friend laid down some rules:

Wouldn't take or respond to calls before 9 am or after 19.00. If a message was left, responded in those hours next day.

Offered one day a week for contact ( visit, long chat, outing …) . That was their day.

It seemed to work okay.I tried a similar thing with DM after my DF died, it was a rocky start but it at least established the principle that I could not replace my father in her life.

You are kind to be bothered💐

Have a firm talk with her. Say you had a miserable childhood and got away to make your own life, and you do not want to see her much or be involved. Set really firm boundaries - for example you will only see her once a month, and she can only phone you at a few certain times, and then only if it is necessary. Be really firm, state the boundaries really clearly and keep to them. You are in charge. She has no right to expect anything. If she won't keep to this, just shut down contact. Tough but otherwise you are in for a nightmare.

You could be dancing to your mother's tune for another 20 years, longer than your own childhood. Do you want her to have the benefit of your life as well as her own?

I agree with the other posters, see and talk to her for as much time as YOU want. You have your own life to lead. So what if she "has no-one else" that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself for her.

If you don't put in boundaries you will become completely enmeshed.

This. Start as you mean to go on. The ‘you only get one mum’,‘your poor widowed mum’ brigade might pop up but ignore them. I’m nc with my miserable witch of a mother and life is so much nicer. Block her number, choose to not spend your free time with her/listening to her, whatever you want. She’s made her choices and you get to make yours. Just because she has no one else does not mean you need to stick around.

My widowed DM is similar but not as bad. Just difficult to be around, apparently me seeing her one day a week isn't enough. I work full time so that's all I can do (she doesn't need to know I'm on a 9 day fortnight now, she'd guilt me into doing stuff on my day off so I'm keeping quiet). Previously I told her way too much and regretted it later. So she's on an information diet. Trying to deal with her constant barage of daily texts too, usually about random things or people I don't know. She wanted me to take her to see an Andre Reiu concert at the cinema but I refused so she's going with a friend now. It'll do her good, she can't expect me to be her only social outlet.

Gosh this is hard. I see DF every day but he’s lovely and I enjoy the time we spend together. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel lonely then again I understand the pressure of juggling work, kids, DP and parent.
Since she’s now moved and it seems like you initially encouraged it maybe suggest trying out a new hobby with her, something she might meet others and you can gradually be busy on those sessions. Or do something you’ve always wanted to do and let her tag along. Or invite her to things you know she won’t like and will decline.
In terms of the texts, I rarely answer mine so that don’t seem any issue if you’re busy with work, making dinner for the kids etc

I was you 13 years ago. Mum "imposed" herself on me and my family, moving 200+ miles to effectively live round the corner.

She is and was a deeply unpleasant person, and in the end I had to go NC for 12 months and managed very low contact ever since. It has been very hard maintaining boundaries and I have had to do a lot of soul searching. It was worth it for a comparatively quiet life focusing on my family though. And eventually that underlying niggly stress disappated. That first 12 months though was epic and the fall out with Mum significant. Her pride was very bruised. It was worth it though as we grew as a familywand wanted to spend time with the kids (mine isn't a good grandmother and can'tbe left on her own with them).

But. I am now at the other end. M very ill, elderly and frail and everyone (and I mean everyone from the local Chaplin, her neighbours to my wider extended family) expects me to be there at the drop of a hat for her very complex health and mental health issues. It has been a very bruising and brutal few months. The lack of distance geographically has meant everyone feels like they can trample over my own personal and emotional boundaries and I am really struggling if I am honest with myself. I don't have any easy answers, but I can promise you that if I hadn't distanced myself for the past 13 years I wouldn't have half the energy I have to deal with M and the ensuing chaos and nonsense I have now. Do not ever feel guilty for focusing on your own family. Remember this was her choice
Not yours.