How do I deal with my guilt tripping mother?

[measureofmydreams]

Sorry about the outpouring here. DM has just been discharged from hospital after hip replacement, there are other complications which indicate heart failure. DS works as a LSA in a school (approx 12 weeks a year leave) and lives 3 miles away. I work full time (approx 25 days a year leave) and live 55 miles away. I get on really well with my sister and we do what we can for DM. My DS has been marvellous by far does the bulk of the practical stuff, I help where I can. Along with her DH I'm trying to persuade her to agree to increase carers so that she can pull back. I deal with caring agency, admin, liaising with social services etc. and see my DF one day a week in the care home (65 miles away). DS sees him twice a week. I have three adult children (all away from home) and a husband with MS. DS has one adult child. My DM on occasion will compare what we do for her, and the inference is that I don't do enough. It's happened again - and I find it really upsetting. Over the last week I've taken annual leave to visit her in hospital as well as going on a Saturday (approx 55 mile trip one way - about 2 hrs 75 minutes each way). I am a Catholic of Irish heritage and the guilt thing is so very forceful. I'm 62 years old and DM still has the power to make me feel so awful, how do I deal with this?

For me it was the acceptance if whatever I did wouldn't be good enough. I could see her every day but it would mean leaving work, living in poverty, neglecting my family and other elderly relatives. She wouldn't care and she'd still complain.

I think that once you understand that whatever you do, it will never be good enough you can start to work out what you're actually comfortable with doing.

Counselling might help you too

Brilliant answer lol.

And every time she moans say "It's never enough for you is it mum"

Absolutely what @TinyMouseTheatre said. I had similar with my DM. Once I realised that no matter what I did, it would never be enough, it was actually quite liberating. I’d been feeling overwhelmed with the never ending lists of jobs and expectations, which impacted my physical and mental health.

The realisation was a moment of clarity where I saw that there was simply no point running myself into the ground, so I just…..stopped. Not completely. I still took her to places she needed/wanted to go and helped out where/when I could, but in my own time and on my own terms, without mentally beating myself up about not doing more.

Once I started nicely saying “No” and politely laughing off unreasonable requests - “Ha ha ha, no DM, I’m not going to redecorate your entire house, thank you for the lovely offer but you’ll have to get a professional in!” - it became easier to have healthy boundaries.

I think in these situations you need to give yourself permission to just let go of the guilt and try to accept that you can’t make DM happy or satisfy her - for your own sanity. She could live for many years and it will only get worse, if you feed into it.

I'm sending you a massive hug.
I'm in a similar situation. Irish catholic burdened with the guilt of a generation. Married to an Irish man whose mother thinks the sun rises and sets in his boxers!

My relationship with my mother is similar. Except I am the sibling who does the most. My sister works full time and my mother sees more value in the little my sister does do. "Because she's so busy"

So you see it's a control and manipulation thing. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do. It's never right. Especially now she is retired and has little else to think about.

It doesn't get any easier so buckle up and start working on letting it
Slide over your head.

This is a very difficult period in our lives and I wish you well xxx

I work in a care home and see so many daughters being manipulated by elderly mothers. Truth is she is mourning her previous life and independence and is taking it out on you. Do what you can and want and no more. Stick to regular visits and phone calls. Also maybe dial back visits to see your father as he is safe and has company in the care home. Honestly I have been much much happier since my parents died. So sad to say but 55 years of never being enough was over.

My DM had this with her father whatever she did was never enough and he complained and compared what she was doing with what her brothers had done (they all had a trade so he thought anything they did carried more value). He even complained my father didn’t do enough for him when he treat him
like shit for years and had three sons.

Anyway my DM having experienced never being enough is now following in her DF’s foot steps. She treats me like she was treated and compares what my siblings do for her with what I did or was doing. I also have a sick DH. I was sick of all the game playing (too much to go into here) and point scoring so I have dialled back and only visit once every two or three weeks now and phone once a week. She also chose to completely ignore any useful positive suggestions I made to help her.

God its tiring. Dropped my mam to her apt. Fasting for bloods she had food after. Mad traffic then to get back to work. I agree with others they never happy you never do enough. I firmly tell her we have our own families too... christ its tiring. 80s

I do think it would be better if I know there was a definitive time line. We are dealing with mixed matter dementia and my mother is 75. She's bed bound (because she refuses to get up) has to be fed (otherwise she wont eat but can open a box of chocolates and take one) she plays daft one day and is sharp as tack next day. Is refusing a home nd because she has great carers and family support Social Services say she has capacity to make that decision.

It feels like torture some days.

Thank you eveyone for sharing your experiences and for your support, this really helps. I'm pulling back and doing what I can, on my terms. I feel stronger now and I'm going to have counselling too. I dont feel alone. Thank you again.

If they only but realised if they were just a little bit nicer, kinder, more understanding, more appreciative, listened and accepting of advice, less into comparing and criticising less they would get far more from us as we would find the whole experience and mental load easier and less draining.

Take care OP.

Agree chocolatey I find my mother worse now too much time on her hands.... 80s. Then texts start up