Adult Social Services and GP intervention

[BlueLegume]

Hi lovely people. I have a couple of other threads and have contributed to several on the Elderly Parents section. I am going to be very cautious what I post so as not to reveal too much if that is ok.

My elderly mother has refused to have a care assessment by Adult Social Services. Her GP thinks she needs one but as Adult Social Services deem her to have full capacity then they cannot force her.

Things with her are absolutely dire. I have taken a step back again this week as when Adult Social Services contacted me they told me they had spoken to my brother who had reassured them he ‘has eyes on Mum’, and proceeded to tell them an absolute pack of lies as to what he is doing for her. I have no expectation of him at all but he has fabricated a story which makes it sound like everything is ok. It is not. I understand we cannot make her do anything she does not want but her situation is without revealing too much, completely unsustainable.

Any advice? What I can’t understand is why Adult Social Services have not corroborated what our brother has said with our mother. She was shocked when I showed her the email detailing what notes they hold on her taken from brother.

Sorry to hear things aren't any better. Unfortunately services do seem very geared up to only step in when there's a crisis, quite often a hospital admission or admissions. It must cost an absolute fortune.

This thing about her throwing food away sounds like, from what you've said, like one of her plots to try and force you to be more involved. And even if you personally cooked and took food she'd chuck it anyway, or tell you she has.

Your choice not to help her because you don't want to and are exhausted is just as valid - even more valid, in fact - as her choice to refuse an assessment or throw food away because she doesn't like it. Actions have consequences.

Are things likely to get any better or worse when your DF passes?

@HoraceGoesBonkers you are correct about the control element of the food being thrown away. She actually said she could see my point when I told her I could see her ploy - ‘yes I can see it looks like that’. i.e. we have to be more involved as she will only eat if it is exactly the food she demands. Other wise she refuses to eat. Sort of a protest. I have cooked fresh in the past but she declared it inedible.

As you know from my previous threads and posts she is incredibly manipulative and sadly she is so used to getting things her way as DF did so for an ‘easy’ life that she knows nothing else. She has no ability to empathise at how awful things are. I have no idea what will happen when Dad dies - she seems to not care about him either. She certainly doesn’t care about the impact her behaviour is having on us.

It's horrible. I met up with an in law over the weekend who was having a rant about one of her in laws being very manipulative. I said I hadn't spoken to my mum for a while because of similar behaviour but she refused to believe my mum could be like that because "she's been through so much". It's like the bereavements we've had give her a free pass with bad behaviour and it's very difficult to explain to some people how draining it all is to deal with.

It's really tricky because if you point out their behaviour is awful they justify it because of x, y and z and won't listen and take it on board, because no empathy...

@HoraceGoesBonkers yeah it is so tricky navigating conversations about poor behaviour. You might recall a thread I started a while ago about bad behaviour being dressed up as old age. I was blown away on that thread - I really thought MNetters might come at me for being unkind but for the main I got an overwhelming amount of support. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5179774-appalling-behaviour-dressed-up-as-old-age-it-has-to-be-addressed

Bit of an update. I chased up a ‘concern’ with Adult Social Services. They recently told us that as our mother is deemed to ‘have capacity’ and our sibling had reassured them he is in touch several times a week to check on her - he isn’t - which is fine but why lie - that they cannot force an intervention.

After some thought I decided to ask why they simply took our siblings word for the amount of contact with Mum. I didn’t make a complaint but I did question why they didn’t check with Mum that what had been said is true.

Email pinged straight back to me saying they plan to do another visit early next week. I cannot bear the lies our sibling has told to make himself look like a compassionate, caring and involved person. I have no expectation of him but why tell lies? He works in an area where safeguarding is a huge part of the job so he must know that you can’t just take the word of one person without corroboration with others.