Is this selfish? Funeral?

[CalicoPusscat]

I'm starting to think me + sib should bury parent ourselves then have a large meal with other people at a later date.

Selfish? Both of us have battled for years with parent health and it couldn't come at a worse time financially. Would that be really wrong of us though?

Sorry for your loss OP. When my Dad died 2 years ago my Mum was adamant that she did not want a wake after. Just us siblings and our kids went back to their house no other relatives - you do what you need to.

Can you not ask the church community to provide an afternoon tea of sandwiches and cakes? Cups of tea?
You don't have to have a large meal at all.

Does your parent not have any history or past relationships with any old friends, cousins etc? Would no one want to say good bye?
The death has come at a bad time but if you can afford to give funeral goers a cup oftea and a biscuit you will also hear some positve stories of your parent and have some support for your loss.

If you think there is no one who would attend a funeral, then have a quiet private burial and forget about the large meal.
Maybe you and your sibling go out to the pub on their birthday.

Honestly, and I say this gently as you're in a sad situation, I do think that would be selfish yes. You don't have to have an open wake after, you can tell people it's a ceremony and burial only and then do something privately with your sister.

The expensive bit is the funeral, i.e. cremation or burial, isn't it? It doesn't cost anything to have people attending unless the alternative is a direct cremation, I suppose. Refreshments afterwards - you could just tell people you're meeting at a pub and they're welcome to join you. I could be wrong but I have the impression pubs often let you use a room free of charge because they expect to make money from the influx of customers. Getting the pub to lay on tea, coffee and biscuits would be pretty cheap. There's certainly no need to provide people with a substantial meal.

But if you want to have a memorial service with a buffet afterwards when finances are easier, I think you should do it. Some people prefer to get the whole thing over and done with asap, some people feel it's easier in stages. Your choice.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss. It's becoming more common not to. I lost my grandad and he had a direct cremation with spreading of the ashes in 2 of his favourite places by his kids, grandkids and close friends. Less than 10 people. I think he would have wanted pomp and ceremony but his kids didn't. Same for DHs grandparents but it was their wishes.

Honour them in your own way. Especially if you've done everything you can when they were here.

After my remaining parent died, there was just sandwiches, tea and coffee at the local pub. Anyone who wanted any alcohol, paid for it themselves. Only a small finger buffet was provided by us. Just to sustain those who had travelled a fair bit to attend.
There is no need to give a whole bunch of people a proper meal at all, I don’t think.

Sorry for your loss. Did your parent leave any instructions or discuss their wishes with you,? Are funerals not
normally paid for from the deceased"s estate?

If money is an issue a small funeral is fine, with a celebration of life at a later date.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Are you suggesting a funeral without a wake, or a direct cremation? Neither is selfish, it's what's best for the immediate family that matters. If you go for the former, you could inform people who attend that there will be no wake after the funeral as you and your brother can't face it emotionally so soon after your mum's passing, but will have a memorial dinner/tea for her at a later date.

My DM didn't want a funeral and there weren't really many people left to come to one anyway, so we had a direct cremation and then did a celebration of life a couple of months later in a pub. In some ways this was more work, as I put together a whole stuff around the story of her life and I had to sort out invitations and acceptances, but it just gave me a bit of time to get things together.

We have had multiple family deaths in the last couple of years and covered all scenarios really.

Mother in law - had a pre paid funeral plan with enough left to "reimburse" us for the wake. This was held at a pub virtually next door to the crematorium who were clearly very experienced in such things due to proximity and had various packages available.

Aunt (I was NoK).- no other family but had social circles far and wide - think things like chairperson of a sports club, scouting leader, trustee of another charity, big local character - a big funeral and wake was really the only option given her position in the community. Over 300 people attended the funeral, and I'd say about 100-120 the wake. This was just a case of sucking up the cost, putting it on a credit card and dealing with it later.

Mum - had no idea what to expect. Lots of people drifted away due to her addictions, including me and my siblings having needed to cut contact, and it could have just been us kids there for all we knew. As it happened about 50 people turned up to the funeral. We worded it that the family were "gathering" at a nearby pub afterwards and anyone was welcome to join us. Some did, and everyone paid for their own meals/drinks and it was all fine.

I'm.sorry for your loss - I hope you work out a solution that feels right for you

When each of my grandparents died we had a very small service for immediate family (there was a tiny chapel at the undertakers), then a service of thanksgiving at their church/wake at the church hall a few weeks later, for anyone who wanted to come. It was very helpful to be able to grieve privately and then gather the energy for a good "send off" later. Obviously it helped to spread the cost too and gave those who needed to travel a bit more notice.

Just an idea that might help.

Are there funds in the estate which could be used? Sometimes funeral directors will defer payment of invoice until you've sorted that with the bank. (Bank will allow payment specifically for funeral costs before probate due to exactly these circumstances, at least that used to be the case. You'll need death certificate, invoice etc. I think that only applies to the actual funeral costs, not the wake.)

That's what we did. Private burial - just close relatives and the undertakers, no service. Which meant she could be buried within the week. (I am old enough to remember when this was the norm and would like to see infrastructure in GB improved so that it can be again, like in Ireland and NI).

And then we had a totally separate memorial/wake at a local venue.

It was winter and I didn't fancy worrying about one of Mum's older friends slipping in mud in a freezing graveyard.

I would add though, be honest with yourself as to whether you will have a wake or memorial at all. You may not have the time, money, or emotional robustness to arrange one.
My Dad died during COVID and so his funeral was just a few words graveside with immediate family. He was very involved in local organisations and I would have loved to have gone to a memorial and talked to his friends. But it wasn't up to me and TBH, by the time that sort of thing would have been practical (rather than a super spreader event sending his pals to their graves!) the time had passed.

We had two close family deaths last summer. The first one was a traditional funeral at the crem. There was no wake but I provided lunch for the immediate family. Then a few weeks later DM died. She had always said she hated funerals and didn't want one of her own so in accordance with her wishes we had a direct cremation organised through a local undertaker. He chose the cheaper crematorium and we have no idea what day it was or anything. Then a few weeks later we had a "gathering" to celebrate her life. We had extended family, her god children and lots of others for cake and tea - her favourite thing. It was exactly what she would have loved. It was cheaper than a funeral and a real celebration.

It never occurred to me that it could have been construed as selfish - her brother, her inlaws, and the immediate family all agreed it was what she would want but a couple of friends in particular felt we were wrong for not having a service. In the end the celebration was a bit of a compromise as I felt pressure from people but by then it was far enough removed from her dying to not bother me.

For all sorts of reasons these replies are interesting. I have a very close relative who has a life limiting illness so over the next 2-3 years I will be arranging funeral and wake for goodness knows how many people. Relative is very imporant in the village and learning from my late parents funeral - some people enjoy a funeral. One of the neighbours (unvited) turned up at my Mum's funeral which was held locally.

He had never met her!

Do you offer a wake and see who turns up? How does it not get totally out of hand with peole ordering double whiskies and such like.

I've expressed that I don't want any type of funeral or whatever else people do these days. Waste of time and money.

Box me up and burn me. Job done and nobody has had to go out of their way.

@HelpMeGetThrough I do agree, unfortunately my mother is a different generation and believes in things like inscriptions on headstones and a 'proper' service.

I'd just like my ashes bunged somewhere! It really is so expensive as well, we're up to £3k so far and not finished