Care Home contacting me all hours - is this normal?

[Thingamebobwotsit]

DM moved into a nursing home a few weeks ago, and they are contacting me all hours of the day. In the past 2 weeks there have been 8 or 9 calls to tell me she has fallen, or that she hasn't eaten, plus a couple of health things they wanted to check in on.

I know this probably sounds a bit naive but is this normal practice? Are they really expecting me to pick up the phone at midnight and 4am, and again at 10am the following day?

Can I ask them to only contact me in an emergency?

I work full time, long hours, have school age kids at home and doing all the normal parenting juggle of laundry/cleaning/sleepovers/mum taxi etc. We are exhausted by it all and it has only been a few weeks. I can't keep this up. It is also having a really adverse impact on the kids and they are really upset about it, including school calling us as they are worried about them. But despite this all I seem to do is spend time on the phone sorting out care, updating relatives, sorting finance etc.

I can't do this indefinitely and I am not DMs carer - never have been, never will be. But there is no one else officially although I think they are used to having family members who are a little bit older and at a different point in their lives.

Is anyone else in a similar position and if so how have you/did you handle it?

When my stepfather went into a home, they were phoning me all hours if he’d had a fall, just to tell me he’s ok. I requested that they only phone me between 8am and 8pm unless he needed to go to hospital. They followed that request. The staff have to notify the named family when something happens, unless you tell them otherwise. In addition, I was told that if he was taken to hospital I would have to go with him / meet the ambulance there. In reality, because he was under a DOLS he did have to have someone with him but that could be staff from the home or staff at the hospital. He was admitted 3x in 30 months and I did not need to stay with him each time.
It’s important to set boundaries - it’s not a bad thing to do.

Yes they do at MIL's care home and it triggers me. Late on a Saturday night to tell us that they'd misplaced a pill - what the hell are we supposed to do with that information? I understand the falls but I've asked DH to tell them to call us during the day only if not an emergency. It was becoming every day, a couple of times a day when she was going through a bad spell before she was properly medicated.

I used to work in a hospital. We would let the family know about falls, food etc, but we used our common sense re the timing of the call 😁.

If there was a fall, they were helped up, back to bed, checked over etc, there’s no need to involve you in the middle of the night. What are they expecting you to do about it? That’s presumably half the reason she is there, so professionals can use their professional judgement, right?

If there is a fall that involves an ambulance and hospital then fair enough. Although again, are they expecting you to get up at 4am to sit with her in an ambulance while the crew wait for handover?

I completely agree @ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself but unless the family member tells the care home NOT to contact immediately they will go ahead and do so. Otherwise there will be the inevitable scenario when a relative says "so she had a serious fall at 2am and you didn't tell me till breakfast time?!"

Have phone on silent after a certain time. They can leave a voice mail.

That was not my experience OP, and your mum seems to be falling a lot. Care homes can't prevent falls but they shouldn't be constant. Sounds like there might be supervision issues, does she have alarmed mats etc?

I had two calls in six months and they were about viruses in the home. The pressure has throttled back a lot. Assisted living was non-stop calls about teabags and lightbulbs and the biggest lot of nonsense.

It sounds as if your kids are very stressed and they need to be your priority, but of course you know that!

It does sound like a lot of calls. Tbh I wouldn't expect to get a call at night unless DM dies. As a pp said, if someone's going in an ambulance I don't expect to have to get involved because what difference would it even make? The home should have good paperwork with all her care plans written down to travel with her.

exactly.

As a nurse , they are entirely doing their job .

Personally i would want to know if my mum had fallen, not eaten, and to check any health related issues.

i cant help thinking that the attitude of other cultures towards their elderly is more family and compassion focussed .

Its the circle of life.

But as a nurse would you want (or even be able to receive) a call saying your mum hasn't eaten lunch in the middle of your shift, halfway through an operation or in the middle of doing someone's smear test?!

The problem is how this information is being conveyed. A lot of it could be rounded up into a daily or weekly email or passed on during a visit. The school
head bump notification comes by email - much easier, can read when I'm available, all the information is written down in case I did need to take child to hospital so no ambiguity.

So they phone up at 7pm on a Saturday to say one of MIL's pills is missing - what do they want us to do - go and help them look for it? We visit the morning after.

@Lifeissodifficult "i cant help thinking that the attitude of other cultures towards their elderly is more family and compassion focussed . "

Amazing how the women from these nebulous other cultures look after their DCs and work on no sleep. How dare selfish British people expect not to be woken multiple times at night over minor matters. How selfish and lacking in compassion can they be.

Yes I agree @EmotionalBlackmail I don't get this level of update for my kids. I want to know, if there is something materially impacting my DM. But so far it hasn't been anything like that. I can't keep taking emergency calls in the middle of meetings, being expected to head to the care home at school pick up time for example only to find Mum is fine. I get that the care home is doing this job, but we don't live in a culture or an economy where women don't work and can be on standby 24/7. And many years ago by the time you got to caring for your elderly relatives, the chances are your own kids had left home. It is the pulling in 12 different directions that is unsustainable at the moment. If it was just DM I might be coping a bit better, but we really do all need sleep!

My FIL was in care home until recently.

We set times for calls - only between 8am-8pm. We were informed of his falls the next morning.

We were to be contacted at night only if seriously unwell/ambulance or GP has visited and they were concerned as he was approaching end of life. In that instance we went immediately and he sadly passed two days after.

Depending on your mums diagnosis you could set up with the home that you will visit every other Saturday afternoon for example so they know and your relative can be made aware (as much as possible). It would also help them to give you an emailed list or you contact key worker just prior to visit to take any essentials eg new clothes.

Its really important to get some boundaries in place. Been here with both parents over the last 2 years.

As others say tell them what you expect with regard to being kept informed preferably by email so that they can put this against parents notes.

There are some people who would complain if they werent told immediately and they might think you are one of those people.

You can be overwhelmed by all of this. Some relatives said to me at least Mum is in a safe place and you can step back. Those are the relatives who somehow never had any time to do anything to help but had plenty to say about what I should be doing if there was an issue. Only the very unwell and frail are in care homes. There is always something going on with parent.

I was run ragged by one parent and I knew the parmedics in the end. Parent was over 90. She should never have been carted off to hospital when she was on various ocassions. She stayed for 2-3 weeks and given every test going. Looking back she was just very old and frail. One very sensible nurse when called out said that she would rather Mum stayed at the care home as very old people dont do well in hospital and looking back that was one of the best pieces of advice I was given. Knowing Mum she just wanted a pill to roll back the years, and when the young Doctors asked her level of pain she would say 8-9 and then start crying. That meant no Dr was going to release her. This went on for 2 years.

Keep your sanity.

I would say an elderly person in a care home falling, not eating and other health related things are an emergency and I would want to know. What if you went to visit and they hadn't told you she had fallen or not been eating - I would be really pissed off.

It isn't that I don't want to know. But it is that I don't need to know at midnight. Not unless it is an emergency. The chances of me visiting then, are pretty non existent. I am also very aware that DM falls as it is part of her condition, as is the not eating, so none of this is new. They have crash mats out and she isn't left alone. It is why she is in a home, and not at home.

Thanks to everyone re: advice to get some boundaries in and on DMs records.

Just wanted to come back and say thank you - all settled and good. Have slept properly as a family for the first time in a long time.

Reminded us we all actually like each other rather than constantly sniping and quarrelling 😁

No the care home only phone if it is necessary. When Mum had carers when she lived at home it was a different matter they were always calling me about one thing and another but I was her carer as well.

Glad to hear things have settled @Thingamebobwotsit. The impact and benefits of being able to direct your energy to other areas of your life and own wellbeing is vastly underestimated.