Care Home contacting me all hours - is this normal?

[Thingamebobwotsit]

DM moved into a nursing home a few weeks ago, and they are contacting me all hours of the day. In the past 2 weeks there have been 8 or 9 calls to tell me she has fallen, or that she hasn't eaten, plus a couple of health things they wanted to check in on.

I know this probably sounds a bit naive but is this normal practice? Are they really expecting me to pick up the phone at midnight and 4am, and again at 10am the following day?

Can I ask them to only contact me in an emergency?

I work full time, long hours, have school age kids at home and doing all the normal parenting juggle of laundry/cleaning/sleepovers/mum taxi etc. We are exhausted by it all and it has only been a few weeks. I can't keep this up. It is also having a really adverse impact on the kids and they are really upset about it, including school calling us as they are worried about them. But despite this all I seem to do is spend time on the phone sorting out care, updating relatives, sorting finance etc.

I can't do this indefinitely and I am not DMs carer - never have been, never will be. But there is no one else officially although I think they are used to having family members who are a little bit older and at a different point in their lives.

Is anyone else in a similar position and if so how have you/did you handle it?

I work in a care home.

Yes it's normal, especially with new residents to ensure all the correct information is known, and that both parties expectations and concerns are known, discussed etc as part of the settling in process.

It's also completely normal to specify which type of information you want contacted about, and during which hours.

Does your mum have a named worker? Them or a supervisor would be your first point of call just to explain that you’re fine with a general catch up once a week maybe but otherwise the random calls need to be kept to emergencies.

on one hand they sound really good about keeping you in the loop, but calls at the hours you’ve stated are really stressful - you must think something terrible has happened when you get them.

Inform them when you want to be contacted and about what.
It sounds pretty normal if you haven't had that conversation with them.

It can be normal at the beginning whilst
they're getting to know the person.

You can tell them though what your preferences are, eg not being contacted during working hours or during the night unless it's a life or death emergency.

I only had 1 call out of hours due to a minor fall, and none since... the rest during normal day time hours. so going against the grain here.

Maybe depends on how well/badly she's settling in?

Damned if they do, damned if they don't.

Thanks everyone. That is helpful. I will email tomorrow and ask them for a weekly check in and to keep out of hours calls only to urgent emergency calls. I have asked them to not contact me after 7pm already, but that seems to have been ignored.

I can't fault the frequency and reliability of the home. But I need to be able to run my own life too, otherwise I will have to pull back completely which isn't going to do anyone any favours.

It's policy at my DM care home to phone after every fall no matter how minor.

Heart jumps every time but I guess they are covering themselves.

Are you visiting? Generally most things wait until one of us visits. We've had a call when they called the out of hours doctor for chest pains and one when she fell. Once I got a call on a Friday morning asking if I could bring some shampoo in if I was coming (she likes a particular brand)

@helpfulperson yes we are visiting. And they have my email too.

@user3827 she is settling well by all accounts.

I should also say this has been preceded by months worth of calls etc leading up to a hospital admission and now care home. I guess I was hoping that the care home would be easier as she has 24/7 care around her and it would give myself and family a break from being on the edge of our seats every time the phone rings.

The kids aren't sleeping either so it is like a vicious circle where we are all tired, exhausted and on alert. It is also not fair on the kids because we have been going and seeing DM at the expense of their activities and family time.

Just feel very torn.

In that case have a chat with them about what you want told about immediately and what you want to wait until you next visit.

She is in a care home so she can have 24/7 care. I would request no night time calls ever unless it's an absolute emergency where you are required right away, and for day to day things ideally could they email rather than phone.

its normal to cover themselves. if you went in and say saw your mum had a bruise you might complain that you were not told she had had a fall. it puts them at a risk so its just a normal policy.
if you have power of attorney they have to do it too as you are supposed to be responsible for all decisions.
if you do not wish to be contacted so often can you give another contact for them to ring?

I don't think that number of calls in the time is reasonable. Tell them no night time calls unless a matter of life and death.

I found this normal for the first two weeks, my DM has been in a care and a nursing home.

You could ask for a weekly update by email.

Thanks everyone - no other contacts willing to step in. And no PoA.

Will ask for no night time calls.

As a pp said, they're probably obliged to tell you about falls. It's the equivalent of the note home if your child bumps their head at school. But it didn't have to be in real time, and maybe they can email that kind of stuff?

We asked for no calls before 9am so that I knew I could get the children off to school (they had public exams) without having to deal with a parent crisis. I think it depends on how you think it will affect you. Some people would be upset not to be told as soon as something happens but I personally was fine with it. At the moment the nursing home don't know which side you will fall on that matter.

The number of calls is probably due to your mum being new and settling in. Once they know her better, you will probably get less calls. It's good that they're keen to communicate with you. Just speak to them and tell them when you do and do not want to be contacted. For example, if she falls in the night, can they ring you or send an email in the morning. You just need to tell them. It's difficult for homes as there are people who would want to be contacted, regardless of the time. I hope things settle down for you. Sounds like it has been difficult.

Do you actually need your landline, could you ask them to not ring at night and keep your mobile phone on do not disturb?

No, my mum’s care home don’t call with such frequency, even at the beginning. They have to report falls, and they call if she needs eg some sanitary products, but no more than that. Works fine for that and we can assume all is well unless we hear otherwise.

I would advise getting a PoA as soon as you can.

When my mother moved to a care home I specified no calls between 9pm and 7am. They kept to that. They have to call you after every fall, but they don't need to do it in the middle of the night.

There were more calls in the first few months because they were getting to know her, but the calls tailed off once she had settled in.

See if they will email you instead of calling unless she's actually dying, maybe? Then make sure your settings are such that it won't disturb you at night.

I feel for you with the impact it has had on your life. To some extent that's unfortunately just how it goes with elderly parents.

Email and specify what contact you want so that it's on her file. Care staff can't be administrators as well and often have to act on information they've been handed over by another shift. There's also various policies as to who on staff can make these types of calls which can affect when they are being made.
My mum moved into a home in September, I had a conversation with the manager as to what was essential and what could be notified by email. I also work full time and live over 2 hours away, but social services decided I was the first point of contact (no POA and mum diagnosed with advanced dementia)
It's improved since the first few weeks, they're often dealing with vastly different expectations from families so at this stage are trying to ensure that you're kept in the loop. It helped that I used to be an administrator in a care home so have seen what they have to do and what policies they have to adhere to.
It's also important to step back and find your new balance, your children shouldn't be missing out due to visiting so sit down and work out a frequency of visiting which suits them too.